To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

That's a low bar - accepting your child's sexuality (which isn't something that should even be considered in terms of acceptability). That's nothing to do with being open minded, that's just being a human. Imagine thinking that it's open minded to accept someone else's sexuality.

I’m a university academic and can’t voice my gender critical thoughts at work.

Racism isn't illegal. Particular ways of acting on racist views are illegal. But the presence of flag wavers outside hotels clearly demonstrates that holding racist viewpoints doesn't contravene the law. Maybe be a bit more sure of what you are saying before you tell others their words are "bullshit".

Or the bubble you live in that it’s a common term to you? (I say that as someone who is very familiar with the term, but aware that a large swathe of the population may not be)

^^ This!

I teach students that age and for all the eye-popping and gasps and horrified discourse about “TERFS!”, in my experience they all know perfectly well that it’s a bit of virtue signalling, and they all know perfectly well what biological sex is. It’s like they are all colluding in a great pretence that they know perfectly well is nonsense, but the dominant discourse is that they have to be very “correct” about such things (whilst not necessarily believing in it at all).

The idea that someone of student age is suffering terrible mental trauma because her mum doesn’t believe in all the gender stuff is just silly. Most of them don’t even believe in it themselves.

Loving the way the op says she’s a feminist but her own daughter isn’t allowed to have her own beliefs or talk to those she chooses without anger.

And as the mother of a child who actually has been groomed I take offence to the description of reasonable and normal behaviour between two intelligent adults as grooming. It belittles what grooming actually is.

Yeah, this thread lost me too at all the eye rolling of not knowing what TERF means!
I think it just confirms to me that there are more important things going on in my life than learning all these new bloody acronyms.... 🙄🙄

Why are you expecting some bro you’ve never met to stick up for you? Of course he won’t as he has the same views as your DD and these will be sincerely held, just as yours are. The whole thing is ridiculous. I work in HE but resolutely avoid the issue and I actually rarely hear about it anymore - it’s not really a “thing” where I am (large RG uni). I used to get wound up about it, now I aggressively don’t care and feel all the better for it.

Not sure what the point is of shoe horning Russell Group in either. She’s at uni.

Sorry to hear OP. Your daughter is young and will be facing a lot of pressure from peers, and had an opportunity for easy male approval by conforming to a certain orthodoxy. She'll grow out of it, hopefully soon.

I can attest to the fact that gender ideology tends to be stronger in RG or at least universities where
most students are from middle class backgrounds. Less so at post 92s in less affluent areas.

What do they need to be kept 'safe'from?

Settle down. OP only said: "It feels a bit like grooming."

I would say, as a gay man, he is just as likely to feel upset and uneasy as gay history is rewritten, eroded, and taken over.

I'm interested in the idea that being a TERF is mainstream. Leaving aside the trans-exclusionary aspect of the term, in what way do people feel their radical feminism has informed their lives? Political lesbianism for example, or some form of apartheid, in its most literal sense? I'm intrigued because I'm not even sure to what extent feminism is a mainstream viewpoint, let alone its more radical sister. I can certainly see some value in radical feminism but the facts that I'm married to a man, accept living and working alongside men and that I'm not trans-exclusionary preclude me from adopting it as my overarching ethos.

Another day, another bunch of people upset by trans people. I don't think it was grooming, what her prof said .

You're literally saying you don't think transpeople exist and definitely don't care about their safety with all the crap you're saying there

I am a brown woman. No need to explain what flag waving means.
It's really offensive to me that believing in biological sex is now equated to racism.

It’s not grooming.

If you acknowledge you and your daughter have different views on the topic then why would this bother you? Especially as it sounds like you navigate the difference and still have a good relationship?

How does you other DD know about the words exchanged?

Terms like "delusional" are being used all over this thread.. stop naively pretending that the hatred isn't clear

Yes and that’s a really stupid thing to say. 2 adults talking and one empathising that something must be hard is NOT in any way shape or form like grooming. It really does belittle the term.

Alternatively, you could laugh - “yes very difficult to have the validation of intellect by having a first, and still wonder why boring old Mum makes more sense than the titled professor. Let me introduce you to the concept of cognitive dissonance.”

And yet you also still misgender her and can't see the drug overdose maybe was because of bigotry and hatred as shown here?

No, I’m not. Just because it doesn’t fit in with your make believe narrative.

Trans people exist. As I’ve said, I view it the same as anorexic people. I acknowledge they exist. I don’t agree or affirm with them that they are fat. Because they aren’t. Humans can’t change sex.

What do they need to be safe from? Facts?

Where is the bigotry and hatred?

It is difficult to have a very different view about something so fundamental with someone you’re very close to. I’m sure you’ve found it difficult at times as well. There are members of my family who I’m close to with some opposing political views to mine, and I find that difficult. He didn’t say ‘your mum sounds like an awful human being’. Agree with many others than your other daughter shit-stirring is the problem here.