To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

Well I live in it too. What on earth is a TERF??

I think gender studies is what used to be called "women's studies" thirty years ago, when women were recognised as a historically oppressed group. It's long since been renamed "gender studies" and no long centers women but rather gender (not biological sex obviously otherwise it wouldn't have been renamed), so by it's very nature the discipline would pop out of existence or limit itself to a few doctoral students blending study of genetics with sociology if it limited itself to XX and 45Xo = women and a discussion of the intersection with the one in a hundred thousand live births where there is gonadal diagenesis...

That's my fave

I'm not familiar with the term either. Does that make me ignorant or overly sheltered too? People have different levels of knowledge etc too. It doesn't make it bad if they aren't familiar with everything 🤔😳

Love it!

I said I agreed?

I'm astounded by the number of comments about how hard it must be for your DD. Exchanges of views in free democracies has been a sign of a healthy society. However, in recent years trans and extreme left activists and have tried to shut down healthy debate, falsly and manipulatively claiming it makes them feel unsafe. Universities have facilitated this authoritarianism, until very recently. If your daughter is lesbian, then she should know that some of strongest defenders of womens rights are lesbian, who do not want to be coerced into relationships with biological men. The number of people claiming to be trans or non binary has plummeted. Like most fads this is burning itself out.

I am you OP. Disengage. Your second daughter is shit stirring.

I do agree with what you’ve said about sex above

Well you agreed with something the previous poster said about sex so let's clarify it. Do you believe that biological sex exists?

Unfortunately, OP, both sides of the gender debate need to accept that the other side exists and is just as entitled to its perspective. That's not meant to sound unsympathetic, just factual. What your DD said was bound to be hurtful to hear and probably landed as disloyal.

Sorry, I haven’t rtft but do you know what her response was. Because it may have been “it’s challenging but we work our way through it thanks”

The previous poster said “You know that biological sex exists, you know you cannot change sex, you know that there are times when sex matters.”
and I said “I do agree with what you’ve said about sex above, but I wouldn’t consider myself a TERF”, so what is it that you’re asking me to clarify?

I get uncomfortable when students start sharing personal details of their lives and families with me. I’m not their friend and nor am I an agony aunt! Maybe he felt similarly and was trying to shut down that line of communication as quickly and politely as possible. Your DD probably needs to work on recognising professional boundaries.

The thing is. When your only lens is through the individual youre talking to its natural to be on their side.

He didnt make this comment publically. Your DD expressed her opinion he offered support, acknowledging the struggle she must feel to bring it up.

But Id also say:

1. Suggesting he should have said "difficult for you both" is semanitcs. He knows her. He was offering her support. Not bartering a peace, he likely hasnt considered you enough to have thought about whether its difficult for you

1. Theres also the possibility he did say "difficult for you both" you werent there your DD told her sister who told you...

1. Why do you even what he thinks or semantics he uses to offer your daughter support?

Do you agree with all three statements?

Yes, I don’t understand what you’re not comprehending?

I'm not comprehending how you can agree that biological sex exists, that it can't be changed and that there are times when it matters...but you don't think trans women (i.e. men) should be excluded at those times when it matters.

I mean, that must be really difficult for her. What would you expect him to say?

Literally every word of this.

It’s the academic that needs to learn boundaries. He brought up the subject apparently and used the slur.

If I were the OP I'd be more annoyed with her other daughter for shit stirring. The OP is operating entirely on heresy. I would guess the relationship between the sisters is not great but the OP doesn't seem at all bothered by that.

Why are you taking your other daughter's account as gospel truth? You obviously haven't discussed this directly with Uni daughter. Your other daughter is clearly stirring things up, but you are determined to place all the blame on the academic without bothering to ask your Uni daughter her account of what happened

If DD is at uni and doesn't understand the need for sex segregated spaces or that gender affirming care is irreversible medicalization I am not sure how she got a 1st in anything. Her professor should not have made any comment on her mother being a sex realist - it's not his job, and most unprofessional. Also, if he is gay how come he is unaware of the basic homophobia of the trans agenda?

It probably is difficult for her though so the lecturer did nothing wrong. She is LGBTQ and has lots of friends from the community and her mum rejects the T part. You’re entitled to but don’t expect her to find it easy.

As PP said, there are times when sex matters - I agree with. There are times when it doesn’t. I don’t care which toilet trans people go into.