To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

I'm just not really sure why you're telling us all about these activists, fighting for transpeople's rights when you seem unwilling/unable to specify what they are actually fighting for.

I see flaws in the loving, harmonious family relationship you depicted in your preamble. If the neutral third hand comment from someone you don’t know has sent you spiralling to this degree, you might want to check yourself. Your reaction probably goes a long way to explain why your daughter chose to confide in her Professor.

Grooming is very serious business and I do hate how people throw words like it around so casually, shame on you. Teenage petulance isn’t a good look for someone who identifies themselves as an adult.

YANBU.

Your daughter is wrong to be bitching about you to her professor. It's disrespectful and nasty. She sounds like she's trying to elicit sympathy, as if you having a different opinion to her means that you are a bad person who makes her suffer.

Using the TERF slur is wrong, especially against her own mother.

It's difficult to come to a full conclusion about her professor without seeing the whole context of their conversation, but he should have acknowledged that such a big difference of opinion is challenging for both of you. However, he may have been put on the spot, or your daughter may have been behaving theatrically and he felt compelled to offer condolences. It's difficult to get it right.

If your other daughter's relaying of the conversation is accurate, then it sounds like he isn't being neutral, and is indulging in her pity-seeking and anti-feminist bigotry.

TERF is an insult used to shut down women.

No we are not!

This is a good post.

Toe the professor's comment read as almost asinine - just an equivalent to patting nodding along and making the right noises rather than adding anything to the discussion.

It's hard to know why your daughter wanted to tell him that you're a "Terf" but perhaps she felt it was "full disclosure" or something, if there's a lot of thought policing in her friendship and wider acquaintanceship group.

My dear let me assure you that I don't 'live in a bubble' but I did chicken out and google it earlier. The fact that one is not au fait with the current fashionable terminology or invented words/acronyms does not need inane comments about bubbles etc., I got the same dopey comments when I said a year ago that I'd just discovered that the song writer Taylor Swift is a woman, Oh you must have seen the posters, where have you been??? Er, never seen one in the wilds of East Anglia. and radio 4 doesn't play such stuff.
Funny thing I heard in church this morning, an elderly lady said it was awful that black people are referred to a 'off colour' nowadays. When we stopped laughing we put her right.

I'm male (sorry) and if a young person told me their Mum was a terf, I'd have replied "Yes the best ones are."

Why are you hurt? If you are so sure your views are the right ones there shouldn't be hurt over someone pitying your DD for having a mother with them views.
I do also sympathise with your DD. I'm the daughter of a TERF and it's hard rationalising that the person I love who treats me well can be so ignorant and hateful about others.

But you are so I'm not sure how you can be upset about it. As for her prof, he was acknowledging that it was difficult for her and he's right, it must be.

It’s adults like you that make me wary of this situation.
”grooming” was my - undoubtedly clumsy - way of expressing concern about young people being fed the idea that if they disagree with someone, they should cut them out of their lives.

not something I’m remotely concerned about in my case. I am nevertheless uncomfortable with the dynamic between the (un)professional and the student.

your response was vicious and uncalled for.

And what do you think is so ignorant and hateful about acknowledging that humans can't change sex?

Love this thanks.

It means that trans people are excluded from feminism - which is rarely the case as feminism is about biological women specifically and not about gender identity (therefore includes trans men, who are born female and face the same issues as biological women).

It’s because he’s a gender studies academic and they were discussing TERFery. It is depressing.

He was talking to your daughter about her experience!
if she said my mum has cancer and he said “that must be difficult for you” that would’ve been fine. He’s talking to her about her! Clearly you having cancer would be a horror show for you too but it’s irrelevant. He’s talking to HER he’s supporting HER. He’s discussing and empathising with HER experience.
im not saying being a terf is like having cancer! I share your view on men/women. I just think you’ve totally misjudged a comment (which also may have been misheard or misreported)
I think it would actually be offended if he had said “oh well just ignore the old bag, you clearly don’t value her opinion at all”.

So basically, Trans Excusive Radical Feminism. Agree with your last paragraph. I'm a trans INCLUSIVE feminist.

As I understand it, they were having a post-tutorial chat about the scourge of TERFery. It’s so depressing.

Fair 😆

Someone made an incorrect assertion: that trans rights activism is something one outgrows after university.

I corrected this with my own experience. I think it's important to have a realistic view of people with differing opinions rather than writing it off as something people grow out of.

It's like TRAs saying "well all the TERFs will be dead soon" - it doesn't help the conversation progress and gives an inaccurate picture of who "the other side" are.

Sorry if that isn't convenient for your argument, but for a forum that talks so much about biological reality and facts over feelings, there's an awful lot of conjecture on this thread.

Having cancer isn't remotely the same as having perfect reasonable GC views.

So it’s ignorant and hateful to believe actual fact - that sex is immutable ?

Oh well that makes it even more of a storm in a teacup - he's following the script if he's a gender studies academic. Is your DD's masters degree in gender studies? If so then you've rather reported the conversation out of context - she's doubtless having this kind of conversation all day long. It's no different to her doing a theology degree and "admitting" that her mother is a convinced atheist.

Well I must be in a bubble too as I had to google Terf.