To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

Completely untrue and you know it.

Trans people should have exactly the same rights as everyone else. Who is saying otherwise on here?

I'm fascinated by the bubble someone lives in to have never encountered this term
I had never heard of it. I'm not surprised. I don't give a shit about it one way or the other and no-one about me does. There much more important matters in life to dwell about. I'm very relieved that my young adult kids have no interest in discussing this stuff with me, and we talk about a lot of things!

People in families have differing views. Presumably the Professor was sympathising with DD that it must be difficult having differing views with her mother. I wouldn't be upset about this and I am gender critical. We're all allowed to have opinions and often it's easier just to agree to disagree.

I agree, but I think it goes further than that. There are plenty of gay male trans and gay men tend to support their rights to be female if they want. They don’t care enough about women to care how it affects them.

Not true

I think this is (unfortunately) very true

😘Agree.

guarantee she’ll be no contact with you 5 years from now (max)

Ah yes, the ultimate threat to beat mums into submission. Shut up and be kind or your kids will go NC.
I am so terrified.
Not.

It's so eye opening to see how much manipulation is being used to get people to nod along to this nonsense.

Universities are amongst the very most dogmatic institutions, I find people working at them are extremely nervous about speaking out about the biological reality of women and men, prioritising gender identity ideology.

Add to that the fact that university lecturers can express their opinions in a way that school teachers aren’t supposed to.

I would take a attitude of gentle teasing about this, if it comes up with your daughter “oh yes, of course I’m a terf, my opinions are based in reality, I’m sure universities will catch up one day.”

This seems to work with my adult son who is surrounded by true believers, we differ in a friendly manner.

Are they actually a Professor or are you using that as the Americans do to describe all lecturers?

My experience of academia as a lecturer myself is that it's a hot mess of inappropriate behaviour and egos on sticks. Ok, so he isn't obviously sexually inappropriate but I see far too many academics in it for ego strokes and wanting to be mates with students.

Frankly, humanities academics are why we go in this gender wang mess in the first place.

Might be worth thinking that he may well be the same age as your DD if not an actual Prof. He could even be doing his PhD himself with some teaching hours.

So yes, agree it's annoying but you're better off trying not to think about it. She's going to talk to plenty of idiots who say things you don't agree with. She's an adult and if you have done a decent job, she can think for herself.

Your dd is at uni and old enough not to be carrying on with this nonsense.

My question is what is your other dd looking to get out of it by telling you?

Why don't you just explain rather than making snarky comments then..

She’ll probably be a terf once she leaves uni and into the real world.

It gets really boring reading the same things over and over. All posts that mention a trans person descends into a debate on pronouns, chromosomes and toilets, and the original post is ignored. OP is unreasonable to be upset looking for an insult in a fairly innocuous comment.

Bit much telling the OP her daughter is weak and needs male approval. She raised her.

The term IS an issue. It's a misogynist slur based on a misnterpretation (or in some cases a dis-interpretation) of radical feminism, and fills the dual function of (1) replacing the odious but clearly outdated "feminazi" and (2) marking individual women and women-centered groups as targets for abuse. It's now been partially reclaimed, so if you were calling YOURSELF a TERF it might be different, but I'm guessing you're not as you've countered that you don't label your daughter. But it's not clear here WHO said TERF initially: you, your daughter who disagrees with you (DD1), your daughter who told you the story (DD2), or the professor.

Aside from that, though, any fundamental difference of opinion that impacts how people live is "difficult": let's say you were a socialist and your daughter a capitalist, or you a conservative and she a liberal, or you a unionist and she a separatist/nationalist. You're right, it could be equally difficult for both of you - but the professor knows and has a relationship with your daughter and is hearing about you as a character in HER life - "hard for both" might have been a more mature and professional response, but what he said was also a fairly natural one. It may also signify that he is biased in this matter and automatically assumes your daughter's position is correct and yours is wrong, but I'm not sure what you can do about that except continue to encourage your daughters to think critically, which it sounds like they have the tools to do.

All told, though, I'd talk to DD1 about it, not DD2. There's so much open to interpretation here that it makes little sense to react based on DD2's sayso alone.

lots of humanities academics don’t believe in any of this, but have to stay quiet because the student environment is in such a fervent hot mess about it all and we don’t want to lose our jobs.

In my institution it’s the humanities faculties that are (secretly!) a hotbed of gender critical academics. It’s the social scientists and scientists who are the ones who go in for it all here!

Supporting trans people isn't exclusive to uni students and younger. I know lots of teens who express anti trans sentiments and lots of people in their 50s and 60s who would be considered trans rights activist on here.

This idea that it's something you grow out of / restricted to those not in "the real world" is an ignorant fallacy I only ever see perpetuated on here as a way of trying to feel superior.

Interesting enough to click on and read through though?

The term is also inaccurate. No one accused of being a TERF objects to women in women's spaces, no matter how they identify. It should be MERF.

bingo !
this post nails it !!

Haha... interesting. And agreed, people are not outspoken if they believe anything other than what they perceive is the accepted opinion of fee paying gen zs or managers!

I am not, and never will be, a TERF.