To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

Also (and this point has already been made, but glossed over it seems) his statement was very non-judgemental and neutral. As she was raising it, one assumes it is difficult for her - that her tone of voice portrayed that. So he simply showed good open listening skills and reflected her emotions back to her.

If she had bounded up to him saying "It's great, mom is gender critical and I fucking love the debates we have about it at breakfast" he may well have said "that sounds lovely for you."

He sympathised with her, as almost anyone kind would in that situation, whatever their own views. He may be GC for all you know and still have said that.

What do you want him to say - "not willing to talk about that, now go away?"

Fcs, it's nothing like racism!
You could make an anology between black person identifying as white and the OP saying that "No, the person is black" without making any judgment about one being superior to the other. Just facts.
I'm not a man nor am I an elephant even though I might "identify" as an elephant. OP would rightly call me out on this referring to scientifical classification of animals. Just as she knows that biological sex defines whether you are a man or a woman.

It's totally offensive to suggest that the view that humans can't change sex is in any way analogous to racism.

For anyone who thinks this, it simply shows how basic science, logic and reason have been devalued in our society. It's a shocking place that we have found ourselves in.

This ^^.

OP seems like an overreaction.

But when transwomen try to pretend they are actually women, they're doing exactly that: hiding who they really are. They are men who wish to live as if they were women, and I think you'd find that the vast majority of people, including most so-called TERFs, have no problem with that. The problem comes when they start claiming that they are actually ARE women, ontologically, biologically, legally. I don't want to erase them or pretend they don't exist; they enrich the rich tapestry of human existence and I'm all for that. But I do want them to stay in their lane, and keep out of the lane that's reserved for women.

Nah he’s probably just a bit misogynist - some gay men are unfortunately.

Actually the correct analogy is if DD’s white friends were blacking up and claiming to actually be black and taking scholarships and other measures meant only for black people and you didn’t agree with your DD’s belief that they are actually black .

I can't help but notice that you don't seem all that interested in engaging with the posts responding to the actual situation outlined in your OP, @Dahliadaily.

It's almost like you were looking to fire up gender stuff on AIBU since many of us seem to have FWR blocked...

But he didn’t say that YOU are difficult, just that the situation is. Which it is, when people you love disagree strongly. You are taking this way too personally.

You completely misunderstood me. I do not liken teams activism with racism. I do liken feminism to anti racism.
all kids have a wobble in freshers week if they are close to their parents.

My DD who says they are now my DS would say the same shit and I would say either:

A) yes I am and Im proud because women are worth sticking up for or
B) not sure if you are aware but that term is a slur now, and people have used it in the same sentences where they are threatening to rape and burn women who believe that biological sex is important and irrefutable. Not sure if that's a word you would want to use to describe your Mum?

Sympathies, OP I have found this to be a minefield where I try to bite my tongue but sometimes I have to stick up for myself.

Or to look at it another way - it’s as offensive to suggest that humans can change gender as to change race.

There's nothing that wrong with what he said really. I mean it's a difference of opinion/belief and potentially in lifestyle if he knows she's got lots of trans/nb friends and peers. So he was trying to be sympathetic. All be it maybe clumsily.

If she said it in a way that phrased it as she agreed and was also one, then he wouldn't have responded that way presumably.

It’s definitely the case that my gay male (academic) colleagues just go along with the gender stuff because it marks them out as “progressive and cool” to the students, and it’s zero skin off their noses. They don’t actually believe that men become women but it doesn’t affect them, so they have no incentive not to go along with it.

https://terfisaslur.com/

I've seen so many trans related threads popping up on AIBU in the last few days. So boring.

Quite.

I’ll admit they’ve triggered me.

Terf is not a non-judgemental, neutral term. We don’t know if she said GC or Terf. But if a student used ‘terf’ to me I’d suggest not using derogatory misogynist terms, particularly about their mother.

Not saying this to be unkind, but if you use that tone when your daughter tries to argue with you (which hopefully you don't) it's no wonder she gets upset.

You quite probably don't mean to, but it does sound a little patronising and a little arrogant, even? (Not trying to be unkind, but I thought it was a helpful thing to point out, if you are trying to work out why your dd might be upset with you).

I still think that you just need to accept that, even though she loves you, as your daughter she is perfectly entitled to get pissed off with you sometimes - it's a normal part of healthily growing apart! (While still loving each other, of course).

I'm sure you’re right.

Someone who doesn’t believe trans people should have rights.

Wrong, as usual.

I'd say it must be more difficult for all the mentally ill people that think they can change sex and that non binary is actually a thing.

I'm happy for them to use safe spaces too - their own safe spaces.

Lots of people are living in all kinds of fantasies. Lots of people spend their whole lives lying to themselves. It is possible to acknowledge that someone is doing this, without feeling hatred for them or wishing them harm.