To feel annoyed by their behaviour

[TLDC]

I have a very passive DH, it's an ongoing frustration. He doesn't organise anything nice for me or the kids, he also doesn't do confrontation in any way.

We moved to a new area 6 years ago. I made a huge effort to get to know people, resulting in a lovely group of families who hang out regularly and he benefits from this with his kids having close friendships with the children and us receiving regular invitations to parties or outings with these people. He has never organised anything, and it's always me who arranges the outings with them or invites their kids over. He says often how lovely it is that we have met these people.

Previously we weren't in the position to host, but this year we moved to a new house and we both said it would be lovely to now be able to have friends over as we'd have space for guests.

Each year a family always hosts a party in the surrounding neighborhood to celebrate a local holiday. We've never been the hosts, so this year I suggested we take our turn and DH agreed. His family member asked if they could visit on same day and I said yes of course! Kids were very excited for their child staying over and I made sure bedding was ready, spare bedroom clean and towels etc.

Party was lovely, kids had a blast. It was only a few games and food. I did all of it - decorating the house with the kids, buying and prepping food and drinks, arranging games, I also took day off work and cleaned the whole house in preparation. The only thing he did was pour a few drinks for people and take the pizzas out of the oven.

I took the kids including family members child out to a neighbour's after the party, asking if he'd mind tidying up. He said he was happy with this.

Got home after an hour or so, house was tidy and he was on couch with wine. I said wow it's so tidy that's brilliant. But then I went upstairs and discovered he hadn't made up bed for his family member and child to sleep. So I said oh I thought you might have made up the bed?

To which both him and family member rolled their eyes and said oh FFS typical you point out the one thing not done! Made big deal saying he'd tidied up and this is all I could mention. I said well hang on, I organised everything and cleaned house? Plus took kids out to give them a chance to catch up. Family member said that the party was my idea and not DH choice. DH also said the party was my idea. I went upstairs and made up the bed, then went to bed as I didn't want to speak to either of them anymore.

I felt so sad that I'd gone to all this effort, but there was no thanks for that or that I'd prepped everything and made family member welcome. The next day I again took their child out, paid for their lunch and entertainment, because I love the child and my kids love hanging out with them. The family member and I had a short chat, during which they called me moody and controlling.

Today I feel very lonely in my relationship and unappreciated. I've felt very lonely for a long time and that my DH doesn't appreciate me. This family member always makes these sorts of comments to me and I've previously brushed it off but I'm annoyed. I'm also annoyed at the family member for being so blunt.

Aibu to be upset or am I being oversensitive and actually should have not expected him to tidy up and make up the bed.

Yabu - yes oversensitive
Yanbu - they were unkind

Im glad you are going to have a talk with your husband OP.. He needs it.
He is not pulling his weight and leaving everything else up to you.

After all the work for the party, and then taking the kids out to tire them out (which can be just as tiring for you) he point blank refused to help. And so did sneaky relative when it was something for THEIR child.

As for the relative. They are NOT your friend. You say they've been like that from day one. Don't confide in them, particularly when they backed up and encouraged DH to mock you and make you blooming well feel that you weren't doing enough and hadnt sorted the bedroom, whilst they sat there relaxing and drinking.

What an outstanding cheek. I'd be telling relative to shut their trap..

Just because people make allegations like "moody and controlling" when you've asked them to do something.. doesn't make it true! Its a controlling mechanism they themselves employ to put you in your place and make you shut up.. You are suppose to go away thinking "Oh dear, I shouldn't have complained, perhaps I am moody and controlling. I'm an awful person. Relative is clear sighted to see it."
Which is exactly what you did.
Comments like that are designed to make you less likely to raise your point of view. Do NOT fall from it, especially from freeloading relative. And think about turning their hurtful observations right back on them next time... see how they like it.
They are enjoying you being lower in the family pecking order. In the sense that they are routinely undermining you and getting your DH to join in... which is bad because it can have a lasting effect on your relationship. when you are trying to do something and he feels bolstered by the relative's opinion. Who put the bloody relative in charge to be judge and jury on you?
I have a feeling that somewhere along the line you've been made to feel bad for not doing enough (maybe unfairly) and told to try harder, so you are determined to make sure you are always stepping up..

It was a neighbourhood party. You were organising it and doing all the work.. why was he adding to your work with a house guest without asking first? I would resist having them to stay in future and certainly do a lot lot less for them when they do..

Leave it all up to DH....."Oh DH.. Relative wants your help with the bed." And start decanting DH family stuff back to him. Difficult birthday presents for inlaws?- now its DHs job. Sending Xmas cards to all his relatives?... DH does that now.

Consciously don't do everything, not to be obstructive but you need to stop being the volunteer for everything as its not being appreciated. Have some handy non adversarial phrases up your sleeve to brush off complaints and if you are put down with comments like moody, when you are simply asking for help, don't just accept it...answer back.

😂😂😂

U ok hun?

The child probably is lovely but the child's parent certainly isn't and you just seem like a doormat taking her child out again after the relative has been so rude to you. Why would they change if there are no consequences for their shitty actions?

So theres history with dh doing nothing much BUT
in this situation I think yabu.

You came down and had a deliberate dig that he hadn't made the bed infront of his family members - of course they are going to jump to his defence.

Then you flounced off to bed in a huff setting a deliberate bad atmosphere infront of dh family.

From relatives snap shot you may seem moody and controlling

From relatives perspective :

All they saw was you asking dh to tidy- which he did then you coming in and having a dig about not making the bed

When you didn't like their response you huffed off to bed like a sulky teen

They dont know the background or your frustrations with your partner

Very very constructive, thank you for this.

And to everyone thank you for your constructive criticism and not ripping me to shreds. I've taken on board the good and bad observations. I've actually just spoken to DH and we have both accepted we could have behaved better.

This is where you've assumed something that really isn't true. I sat with them for a bit before going to bed, there was no flouncing. And yes the relative is fully aware of what it's like, they make jokes about it.

Quote fail. Response was to this post.

Not assumed - this is what you said happened:

To which both him and family member rolled their eyes and said oh FFS typical you point out the one thing not done! Made big deal saying he'd tidied up and this is all I could mention. I said well hang on, I organised everything and cleaned house? Plus took kids out to give them a chance to catch up. Family member said that the party was my idea and not DH choice. DH also said the party was my idea. I went upstairs and made up the bed, then went to bed as I didn't want to speak to either of them anymore.

No mention of sitting with them for a bit before going to bed. Just the bed aggro then you went upstairs, made the bed, went to bed cos didn't want to speak to them any more, which by all definitions is a flounce. People will go from what you've said, which isn't assuming anything, even if you change your story later.

His sister is a twat and you don’t need to host her again. She’s not “telling it how it is,” she’s just being a bully. She’s probably always gotten away with it since your husband is such a wet lettuce. Either host her child alone or wait until they’re older if that’s not possible now.

I also don’t think it’s helpful to let him decide that you “don’t need” counseling because he’s just lying/deflecting. He knows he’s wrong and he knows a therapist will tell him that, so he’s trying to avoid it. If he’s so passive, can you just say “We ARE going to therapy on this date/time”?

Actually I don't think you're BU but you've put up with this for how long? The first sign of an eye roll I'd have told them.to make their own fucking bed and they can see themselves out in the morning.

You need to start standing up for yourself with this relative. Tell them to fuck right off with their attitude or don't come back and tell your bloke he can fuck off after them if he says one more word.

He's a passenger, you've allowed that. If you want change then you'll have to start doing things differently.

You don't think a partner should have your back?

Realised you said from relative's perspective. Not sure. They are very aware of my DH's rubbish communication skills and find them just as frustrating. They regularly say this to both of us

Yeah realised this, replied again correcting myself.

This was what I'd hoped he'd do, he doesn't really do confrontation. Meh, I accept iabu to say something in front of the guest, but he does need to stand up to the relative also.

I asked him to book it 2 years ago and said I'm not doing it as he needs to step up. He hasn't. I remind him of this occasionally when I'm getting fed up as I think he thinks I'll just forget about it.

I'm pretty assertive in general. But apparently not on this occasion!

Right, I'm out with DH and we're having a chat. I have read through all messages thank you, consensus seems to be that iabu to have said anything in front of relative which I accept and will try not to do that in future as yes it must appear like I'm being critical / PA.

I don't seem to be being unreasonable about the comments from relative.

This relative is someone I'm close to, to the point where they probably feel they can say anything to me and me put up with it. But next time they do it I'll tell them to bog off. We normally have a bit of a laugh so I was upset.

I'm going to enjoy my evening, thanks so much for all the comments. My first aibu after ten years of lurking!

I would not have checked the bed situation at all. If relative wants/ needs to put child to bed and asks for bed to be made up I'd direct them to DH (his guest, his labour) or just hand them the bedlinen so they can do it themselves. Any objections and I'd laugh and say I'm not the maid you know!

Do you get a thank you every time you clean the house?

him on the sofa like he’s exhausted and been to battle.

Sorry, but you were well within your rights to ask if he could make up the child's bed. It's hardly asking him to do hard labour.

And Why shouldn't you speak to your own DH about a household matter without some eye rolling relative chiming in?

They are the ones that made a fuss about you asking.

Either of them could have got up and quickly made the bed up so the child could go to bed. Instead they told you off for asking and refused to help.

"It must appear like I'm being critical." Didn't they both appear very critical of you? Why should you be the one feeling guilty and worrying about your "flaws" and resolving to do better? Are they wringing their hands and resolving to do better in future? I doubt it. All that has happend if you accept their judgement of you is that they've ensured that the next time they are behaving poorly, you will be less inclined to speak up in case they say... "There you go again... critical."

I accept that one has to pick one's moments and its all calmed down now and moved on a bit ( which is a good sign) ... but you were within your rights to ask and well within your rights to feel fed up about his and her attitudes. Im not urging carrying the anger around with you, just saying hold on a minute to yourself before you accept the blame.

Also. If you want to go to couple's counselling and he's agreed but never intended to do it.. book it yourself and tell him to put the date in his diary. job done.

I'm glad you had a good talk though and feel better. And the thought of saying Bog Off next time will be very satisfying, but its also good to hear that you can have a laugh together too. Have a good rest of the weekend.

Yeah her saying “he also doesn't do confrontation in any way” was a 🚩 for me. It sounds like OP is!

As in, he wouldn't feel comfortable confronting his relative.

He doesn't like doing any sort of confrontation like raising an overpayment with a company or speaking to anyone about something that has annoyed him.

The relative is very confrontational, they are quite formidable. I also don't like confrontation which is why I didn't say anything about their comment.

This. Never again!

Yet again, a whole host of excuses for a thoroughly useless man.