To feel annoyed by their behaviour

[TLDC]

I have a very passive DH, it's an ongoing frustration. He doesn't organise anything nice for me or the kids, he also doesn't do confrontation in any way.

We moved to a new area 6 years ago. I made a huge effort to get to know people, resulting in a lovely group of families who hang out regularly and he benefits from this with his kids having close friendships with the children and us receiving regular invitations to parties or outings with these people. He has never organised anything, and it's always me who arranges the outings with them or invites their kids over. He says often how lovely it is that we have met these people.

Previously we weren't in the position to host, but this year we moved to a new house and we both said it would be lovely to now be able to have friends over as we'd have space for guests.

Each year a family always hosts a party in the surrounding neighborhood to celebrate a local holiday. We've never been the hosts, so this year I suggested we take our turn and DH agreed. His family member asked if they could visit on same day and I said yes of course! Kids were very excited for their child staying over and I made sure bedding was ready, spare bedroom clean and towels etc.

Party was lovely, kids had a blast. It was only a few games and food. I did all of it - decorating the house with the kids, buying and prepping food and drinks, arranging games, I also took day off work and cleaned the whole house in preparation. The only thing he did was pour a few drinks for people and take the pizzas out of the oven.

I took the kids including family members child out to a neighbour's after the party, asking if he'd mind tidying up. He said he was happy with this.

Got home after an hour or so, house was tidy and he was on couch with wine. I said wow it's so tidy that's brilliant. But then I went upstairs and discovered he hadn't made up bed for his family member and child to sleep. So I said oh I thought you might have made up the bed?

To which both him and family member rolled their eyes and said oh FFS typical you point out the one thing not done! Made big deal saying he'd tidied up and this is all I could mention. I said well hang on, I organised everything and cleaned house? Plus took kids out to give them a chance to catch up. Family member said that the party was my idea and not DH choice. DH also said the party was my idea. I went upstairs and made up the bed, then went to bed as I didn't want to speak to either of them anymore.

I felt so sad that I'd gone to all this effort, but there was no thanks for that or that I'd prepped everything and made family member welcome. The next day I again took their child out, paid for their lunch and entertainment, because I love the child and my kids love hanging out with them. The family member and I had a short chat, during which they called me moody and controlling.

Today I feel very lonely in my relationship and unappreciated. I've felt very lonely for a long time and that my DH doesn't appreciate me. This family member always makes these sorts of comments to me and I've previously brushed it off but I'm annoyed. I'm also annoyed at the family member for being so blunt.

Aibu to be upset or am I being oversensitive and actually should have not expected him to tidy up and make up the bed.

Yabu - yes oversensitive
Yanbu - they were unkind

I don't know why you took this relative's child out again and treated them after this relative had been so rude to you. You could have just gone out with your own children or stayed in. I wouldn't have been doing her a favour after she and your DH ganged up on you.

In fact, I wouldn't invite them or agree to them staying with you again.

If I am being honest - I rolled my eyes when you said you went to complain about the bed not being made.

If someone has done something well and then after you noticed something they didn't do. I don't think the best thing to do is go downstairs and tell them off/complain about in front of their family member.

I just don't think it's necessary and creates an un-needed atmosphere.

<misses point of thread>

Can't we just say 'relative'? One word instead of two?

<back to thread>

You have to decide how much more you are prepared to put up with.

Maybe counselling for you if he won't go

Do less. Oh, and no way would I be having this relative to stay again after what they said. Set some boundaries. Your DH is not going to start standing up for you, so you need to do it for yourself.

Next time the family members comes over I would tell your dh it’s all up to him, the entertaining, the making up the guest room, the lot, t food prep for them the lot

and leave to it, if possible I would go elsewhere

I think @Merryoldgoat is just trying to say your comment about your autism isnt relevant to the issue at hand (of course its relevant to you) and yes you was asked a question (very good of you to pick up on that) but the context here is over your comment about what is acceptable and not acceptable regarding instructions on cleaning or tidying and it isnt relevant to what op is saying as she has not mentioned an issue with her husband being autistic but you are attributing your comments to your autism.

They’re shits and you’re fine 🔨 (gavel)

Yes you're, right, it would have only taken him 5 minutes to make up the bed.

I didn't moan, I asked.

Thank you 😊

Actually yes that would have been a better way to deal with it!

Nope. Didn't criticise. I asked.

This is accurate. I accept I was unreasonable bringing it up in front of the guest. But tbh I didn't think the question was critical.

But you ‘asked’ AFTER you knew he hadn’t made it!
I don’t blame you for your frustration and the rudeness was unforgivable but stop pretending you didn’t say it with a hidden agenda of criticism. You have every right to call someone out if you choose to - but fgs OWN IT!

It's a bit of a pain to pull out and they were sharing it (their choice)

Because the child is lovely 😊

Cool - relative! 😎

I'm on the fence about this one. Yes I agree, but also it was a genuine question. He often doesn't think of doing stuff I would think is obvious. So it was genuinely a question. But yes, one that could be seen as critical. So I'll mind that one going forwards.

Interesting subthread. We are ND, so I can think things are obvious in my head that aren't in his - and vice versa. We're usually quite good though at communicating when that happens. In this case though the relative pissed me off which probably didn't help!

Sounds like you took on a lot.

If the family member is a fully grown adult surely you could have left them to make up their own bed? Ie got out the bed linen, left them to it.

Is the relative the parent of the child?

So, for example, DH and his brother and his child?

If so, why are y oh entertaining their child and putting them to bed instead of the child's parent? Surely it's up to them to sort bedtime out?

I wouldn't say your oh was passive far from it in fact.

Yes it's the parent - I didn't put them to bed, just made sure there was a bed

Yes that's a good point

I think it’s become apparent to you now @TLDC that if you employ other options (ie just leave them to it) then someone else will HAVE to step up and do things like make up the bed and you won’t feel resentful, frustrated and it all lead to an argument in the future

well your dh, their relative and several people on this thread consider you to have made a criticism, but you stick to your guns because you sound as if you are always right about everything. Including that your dh should do what you want him to.