To feel annoyed by their behaviour

[TLDC]

I have a very passive DH, it's an ongoing frustration. He doesn't organise anything nice for me or the kids, he also doesn't do confrontation in any way.

We moved to a new area 6 years ago. I made a huge effort to get to know people, resulting in a lovely group of families who hang out regularly and he benefits from this with his kids having close friendships with the children and us receiving regular invitations to parties or outings with these people. He has never organised anything, and it's always me who arranges the outings with them or invites their kids over. He says often how lovely it is that we have met these people.

Previously we weren't in the position to host, but this year we moved to a new house and we both said it would be lovely to now be able to have friends over as we'd have space for guests.

Each year a family always hosts a party in the surrounding neighborhood to celebrate a local holiday. We've never been the hosts, so this year I suggested we take our turn and DH agreed. His family member asked if they could visit on same day and I said yes of course! Kids were very excited for their child staying over and I made sure bedding was ready, spare bedroom clean and towels etc.

Party was lovely, kids had a blast. It was only a few games and food. I did all of it - decorating the house with the kids, buying and prepping food and drinks, arranging games, I also took day off work and cleaned the whole house in preparation. The only thing he did was pour a few drinks for people and take the pizzas out of the oven.

I took the kids including family members child out to a neighbour's after the party, asking if he'd mind tidying up. He said he was happy with this.

Got home after an hour or so, house was tidy and he was on couch with wine. I said wow it's so tidy that's brilliant. But then I went upstairs and discovered he hadn't made up bed for his family member and child to sleep. So I said oh I thought you might have made up the bed?

To which both him and family member rolled their eyes and said oh FFS typical you point out the one thing not done! Made big deal saying he'd tidied up and this is all I could mention. I said well hang on, I organised everything and cleaned house? Plus took kids out to give them a chance to catch up. Family member said that the party was my idea and not DH choice. DH also said the party was my idea. I went upstairs and made up the bed, then went to bed as I didn't want to speak to either of them anymore.

I felt so sad that I'd gone to all this effort, but there was no thanks for that or that I'd prepped everything and made family member welcome. The next day I again took their child out, paid for their lunch and entertainment, because I love the child and my kids love hanging out with them. The family member and I had a short chat, during which they called me moody and controlling.

Today I feel very lonely in my relationship and unappreciated. I've felt very lonely for a long time and that my DH doesn't appreciate me. This family member always makes these sorts of comments to me and I've previously brushed it off but I'm annoyed. I'm also annoyed at the family member for being so blunt.

Aibu to be upset or am I being oversensitive and actually should have not expected him to tidy up and make up the bed.

Yabu - yes oversensitive
Yanbu - they were unkind

OP, I agree with above.
Your husband is weak but you are also a pushover.
You should have left the bed for him to do.
You shouldn't have tolerated the family member telling you that you are moody in YOUR house.
Stop allowing them to invite themselves.

Tell that snivelling waster you married to visit his family as you are not entertaining them again.

We teach people how to treat us and you and your husband are both very weak passive people in your own ways.

Awful modelling for your children.
It really isn't normal to allow people to be rude to you in your own home and tolerate it.

I also think this. You made the friends for the family, so what? Does your dh owe you for this? My dh is introverted but lovely and accommodating around people. He wouldn’t organise anything but is a good host.
Also you told him tidy up which he did. If I was tidying up after a party, it would never occur to me to go tidy someone’s bedroom. Why couldn’t the adult staying there tidy up themselves?
you do sound controlling and maybe that is why they are both saying the same thing. From your version and examples it seems like it’s you.

Does DH ever say ‘wow, clean house, thanks’. No thought not, unless it works both ways no need to thank someone for doing what is just normal family stuff. In my view you are making the classic mistake of owning all the organising and responsibility for the house and visitors. Your DH is taking the classic role of sitting back and not doing anything unless asked and then it’s done to minimum and he expects lots of praise. You are not his mother.

You keep giving excuses as to why you did the bed when in fact you could have just ignored it and gone to bed yourself. If the child asked then you should have just pointed them towards your DH/family member. The only way you are going to change this is to tell DH he needs to start doing some of the thinking and he needs to be proactive. He won’t change if he knows you will just do it. I stand by my comment in that you think this reflects on you. Some women, the ones still living in 1950’s Britain will think that (and there’s plenty on this thread) but many (like me) will absolutely not. We will just look at your DH and see him for what he is and wonder why you put up with it.

It's not about 'need'. A lot of people feel it's healthy for couples to show solidarity when one of them is under attack.

If it only takes 5 minutes either one of the two twats standing there could have done it.
She had already praised him for the tidy house before seeing that the bed wasn't made. Although why a grown man needs praising for doing a household task is beyond me.

Why are you continuing to invite this family member to things - not to mention entertaining and paying for their child - who has been actively and repeatedly mean to you?

It sounds like you take on a lot because you like to do it? You enjoy being active in a wide social circle, enjoy hosting, and enjoy organising things for the children. Nothing wrong with that, and perhaps your husband is just less keen? He enjoys the events when they happen, but he'd be equally content with a quiet night at home.
It's all a bit "I do this, this and this, and also this, and this." None of these things are compulsory. You sound a bit of a martyr honestly.

You put this so much better than I did

I don't know why you'd start complaining about the bed situation. You had a great party, the house was tidied, why not relax and have a good time. The bed would get done before the guest went to bed. By your own account, you seem to have punctured the good mood and started the conflict. Plus wanting all this thanks and praise for doing everything when it's true you are the party-giving, social person and if you didn't do it, he wouldn't do it because he doesn't feel the need to. You're building up all this resentment over him not doing things like you and wanting praise and thanks for things you want to do and that's not going to go so well. Making it about him standing up for you is also pointless because presumably he agrees with his relative that you should've overlooked the bed thing and sat down with them with a glass of wine and enjoyed yourselves.

Overall it's probably 50/50 that he should pull his weight with the kids/home more, but you also want him to be something he's not on the social organiser side and you're edging into martyr territory doing stuff you don't have to do and expecting others to do what you want. It's probably suited you in a lot of ways that he's been passive and gone along with you so you'll have to take the downside of that that he'll go alone with others too.

Why is it her job to know the bed needs to be made? It’s his relative.

Sorry but I think in this situation you were wrong. You put the efforts in for yourself, to build your community and that's lovely. Yes your husband benefits from it, but it seems that he doesn't care so much and if it was up to him it wouldn't happen. Clearly that's not new, so either you're happy to do it or not. If not, no one is forcing you. But then you can't complain about it and use it against him.

The same way, no one was asking you to take the kids out, pay for their food etc. it's all things you decided and chose to do. If you then feel resentful then just don't do it!

Not having the beds made wasn't a big deal. They would have made them later on. They're family, the relative would've helped. They are right that you came back to criticise the one thing he hadn't done.

Just chill!

It’s his family member so it’s on him to make up the bed, especially as it’s part of sorting the house. So you should have just left it and not said anything. If family member is then annoyed their bed isn’t made up for them, then it’s on him, not you. Just try and take a breath and step back, not everything is your responsibility. Family member and DH are adults that can sort a bed between them. They are unappreciative twats so just leave them to it and focus on the kids and you enjoying whatever you’re doing.

OP is your dh and person that needs instructions as to what to do?
Even so, not so much that you need backing up, I think it's the fact that he's been disloyal to you by siding with his relative that would annoy me. The fact that he's not one to like confrontation, well no one actually likes confrontation but sometimes you have to face things. That's life . It's what grown ups do isn't it?
YANBU. I hate disloyalty. It's a real thing for me.
Next time write a list out of jobs you can do between you. If he thinks this is childish explain why. That he can't be relied on but don't continue doing everything yourself or you'll edge into martyr terriority before you know it.
He's got away with for too long and obviously the family member has only his side to go on. Maybe they need to be told that.

You asked for opinions and that is mine.

I totally agree, but who made the first attack? Op did when she criticised her dh in front of a 3rd person.

If there’s an event where there’s a lot to do. Me and DH list everything out and divide it all up equally in advance. If you aren’t spending time doing this, then someone’s bound to do more. Chores don’t just balance themselves naturally, they have to be planned out.

Me and DH do this for everything, school mental load, housework mental load, booking dentist appointments etc mental load…. Lots of lists in advance. It completely avoids shitty arguments like you’re describing about making the beds.

Next time, shrug and leave him to make up the bed. He has no motivation to change as long as you continue to grumble about him not doing stuff but then do it yourself. I watched my parents do this for 40 years - mum rants and raves at him...then does the job herself, and there's a horrible atmosphere all day. As an adult I started demonstrating how it was actually possible to just tell him "not likely, do it yourself" and walk away, and he would do it himself and with no drama or shouting. But still nothing changed.

If I asked my husband to tidy the house, he happily would. However, if I didn't specifically tell him to make the spare bed up, I doubt it would enter his head. In fairness I would be the same, if the situation was the other way around. My husband is good around the home, and does his fair share. If we hosted a party, he would be willing to help out, although he may ask me what needs to be done. We are all different and some of us can see what needs to be done, others need to be pointed in the right direction or simply told. His family member speaking to you like crap in your own home, is definitely not behaviour you should be tolerating though. Instead of asking your husband to tidy and then expecting him to know he needed to make the bed, you should have told him to do both. He probably would have done both, if you'd asked him. He's not like you, unless he's told what needs doing, then it won't be done.

I didn't criticise him, I said oh I thought you might have done the bed? Not "you complete dickwad, you didn't do the bed!"

It's still criticism, classic pass-agg the subtext of which is the dickwad version. And just not necessary at that point. The bed was really not a big deal but you made it into one and ended the night on a sour note that's still going on.

I think where you went wrong was checking on the bed, changing it yourself then making comments. If it was something they should have done it would have been better to just leave dh/family member to do it as and when suited them. Maybe with a "don't forget to make FM's bed" to your dh if you went to bed before him.

YANBU.
You are having to decide all the tasks and then give out specific instructions on what to do. Has he zero initiative whatsoever???
in your shoes I’d start making a list of all jobs, then asking him which ones on this list he wants to do. After a while of this I’d ask him to make the list. I don’t think you should have to do these things though in the first place. Can’t recall if the family member is his family or yours, but if it’s his, I suppose it explains a lot as to why he is lazy and has this learned helplessness behaviour. It’s shitty and makes him a shit partner. Unless he earns loads of money I would probably be wondering what he is bringing to our partnership tbh! It’s fake kindness at best; at worst, it’s manipulative.
good luck to you xxx

I’m trying to understand this.

Presumably, the bed was made up for their arrival?
You say it’s a pull-out bed and you made it up because the child needed to go to bed.

So did the adult have an actual bed or were they both sharing the pull-out bed?

Either way, the adult could have pulled the bed out and made it up?
Who put it away that morning?

if I were staying with someone and there was a pull-out bed, I suppose I’d expect it to be made up for my arrival.
After that, I’d see to it myself.

I’d find it a bit weird if someone were coming into the room I was staying in and started making my bed, tidying my pyjamas etc.
Presumably, they had pyjamas etc with them.

Ok, I’ve just realised that maybe how to pull out the bed might not have been immediately obvious? In which case, I’d have shown them that morning when I was putting it away, to give them space to get ready.

Then they can sort it for themselves?

I understand that you made the bed for the child to go to sleep but I’d honestly have left them to it. It just wouldn’t even have occurred to me to into their room in the first place, once they arrived.
Certainly not without asking them.

I am not having a go at you, btw. I genuinely would have shown them how the bed works, probably on arrival, and left them to it.

I bet it’s his sister though, eh? 😉

My husband is the same tbh. He wouldn’t organise anything but would happily join in. He wouldn’t think to do anything for a planned party unless I asked him.
He does plenty of tidying/organising/gardening etc without direction though, I hasten to add 😂

on this occasion? your mistake was in commenting and making the bed, what you should do is say "you know where the bedclothes are" and leaving them to it.

Generally? assuming that your DH appreciates the socialising etc as much as you do. Do it for you and your DCs and let him do is own thing. As for his family? he wants them, he invites them. He invites them, he makes the preparations including making beds etc, and then clearing up afterwards.

OP hasn’t said her partner is autistic so that’s broadly irrelevant.

Also how would you react when asked? Would you get moody or say ‘sorry DP - I didn’t realise I needed to. I’ll do it now.’

Clearly you demonstrate being autistic doesn’t mean having no ability to learn and it doesn’t mean you aren’t kind to your partner.

Didn't vote as agree with the answer being in the middle too.

YABU for bringing it up in front of the guest.

YABU for not being specific (knowing your DH)

YANBU for expecting more help from him.

YANBU for being annoyed at both of them.

It's not relevant to the post, perhaps, but it's relevant to me. You asked a question, I answered it. That's normally how conversations go.