To feel annoyed by their behaviour

[TLDC]

I have a very passive DH, it's an ongoing frustration. He doesn't organise anything nice for me or the kids, he also doesn't do confrontation in any way.

We moved to a new area 6 years ago. I made a huge effort to get to know people, resulting in a lovely group of families who hang out regularly and he benefits from this with his kids having close friendships with the children and us receiving regular invitations to parties or outings with these people. He has never organised anything, and it's always me who arranges the outings with them or invites their kids over. He says often how lovely it is that we have met these people.

Previously we weren't in the position to host, but this year we moved to a new house and we both said it would be lovely to now be able to have friends over as we'd have space for guests.

Each year a family always hosts a party in the surrounding neighborhood to celebrate a local holiday. We've never been the hosts, so this year I suggested we take our turn and DH agreed. His family member asked if they could visit on same day and I said yes of course! Kids were very excited for their child staying over and I made sure bedding was ready, spare bedroom clean and towels etc.

Party was lovely, kids had a blast. It was only a few games and food. I did all of it - decorating the house with the kids, buying and prepping food and drinks, arranging games, I also took day off work and cleaned the whole house in preparation. The only thing he did was pour a few drinks for people and take the pizzas out of the oven.

I took the kids including family members child out to a neighbour's after the party, asking if he'd mind tidying up. He said he was happy with this.

Got home after an hour or so, house was tidy and he was on couch with wine. I said wow it's so tidy that's brilliant. But then I went upstairs and discovered he hadn't made up bed for his family member and child to sleep. So I said oh I thought you might have made up the bed?

To which both him and family member rolled their eyes and said oh FFS typical you point out the one thing not done! Made big deal saying he'd tidied up and this is all I could mention. I said well hang on, I organised everything and cleaned house? Plus took kids out to give them a chance to catch up. Family member said that the party was my idea and not DH choice. DH also said the party was my idea. I went upstairs and made up the bed, then went to bed as I didn't want to speak to either of them anymore.

I felt so sad that I'd gone to all this effort, but there was no thanks for that or that I'd prepped everything and made family member welcome. The next day I again took their child out, paid for their lunch and entertainment, because I love the child and my kids love hanging out with them. The family member and I had a short chat, during which they called me moody and controlling.

Today I feel very lonely in my relationship and unappreciated. I've felt very lonely for a long time and that my DH doesn't appreciate me. This family member always makes these sorts of comments to me and I've previously brushed it off but I'm annoyed. I'm also annoyed at the family member for being so blunt.

Aibu to be upset or am I being oversensitive and actually should have not expected him to tidy up and make up the bed.

Yabu - yes oversensitive
Yanbu - they were unkind

I don’t understand why you made the bed up? I would have just left it for them to do. Did you do it because you think it will reflect on you it isn’t done? This is your mistake in my view plus taking on entertaining all the children all the time. How nice for your DH and relative to stay at home fo a bit of tidying and relax, I’m guessing relative is a man?

My DP was like your DH, the result was I stopped entertaining and focused just on me and the children. That’s quite sad I know but the resentment was too much and it was my way of handling it, I also would not lift a finger if his family came to stay - very much I’ll do mine and you can do you yours. That way when they came it was clear all planning, bed making, entertaining, tidying was done by him. Of course it didn’t happen very often but that’s on him.

Because the kid needed to go to bed and I wanted to go to bed.

The family members opinion doesnt sound like it would hold much water with me.

It's also a red herring... your husband is the problem not a relatives comment.

Well exactly. I'm clearly horrible 😬

Purely did it because the child (who I love) needed to go to bed

.

I think it's a bit of both too.

I would be pissed off like you OP but I would also look at my boundaries and decisions and ask myself how much I had put myself in that position to be pissed off.

Raising about the bed being unmade in front of the family member in that way could have come across as nitpicking and maybe could have been raised privately. I would also not have considered that as part of the "House tidying"

I agree your partner letting someone be rude in front of you both is not on. I'd be really unhappy about that and certainly don't need anyone to stand up for me. That's just a basic matter of respect.

But I do think you are making decisions and choices for yourself which aren't necessarily shared and expecting them to be is unreasonable.

People like that drive me up the wall. They think it’s some sort of attribute to be admired, when actually it’s a) just their opinion (not the truth) and b) rude and c) none of their business in this scenario.

As for your husband, I agree with the poster above. Sadly some men do need micromanaging, and it spelling out like they’re stupid. Maybe the way moving forward?

I think this is my view too.

You sound exhausting. I’d be telling your DH is to leave you 😂. See post further down. I’m only joking.

Roll your eyes as well and don't make the bed.
Stop being a martyr, only do stuff because YOU want to do it. If you don't then possibly it won't get done and that's ok.

Well your ‘oh what a lovely tidy house’ could have easily come across as patronising?

Im not sure that comment followed by moaning about the bed would gaff find down well with me.

Your husband sounds like a lazy arse though. Which is a separate issue that’s probably what is really bothering yin and needs addressing

This. I certainly wouldn't have made the bed after being spoken to like that by the guest.

Not really. But you do sound intense. I would manage a party and family visiting at the same time. A lot of the socialising seems to be because you want to. If he wanted to l, I’m sure he would organise stuff.

As a PP said, the answer is in the middle - you are understandably frustrated you are doing so much, your husband is passive by nature but willing to do things when given instructions - so he's probably annoyed that when you want things done in a particular way, you don't just tell him (eg 'and make the bed'.)

In this instance you were in the wrong in that you should not have criticised your husband in front of a relative.

You can't change your husband's character, but you can give him more to do. Eg - why are you the one cleaning the house? - he could be doing that. He's not going to granite things but as he says he likes having these friends he can do as much of the prep work as you.

It sounds like you also need to drop your standards - yes it would be nice to have a bed made up - but if only takes a few minutes to do it, so who cares. You mention paying for everything for your guest - it does sounds as if you make a habit of putting on a show and then getting cross if people don't fully co-operate.

Try to relax a bit - it sounds like you are the doer and the go-getter in your family - which is great but you need to delegate in order not to exhaust yourself, and delegation means accepting that things may not always be done to your atandards.

Intense? Odd.

My comment about bed was said quite lightly, like "oh, I thought you might have made the bed up?". I didn't hiss it at him or snap.

Is that you family member?

Oh shit I just saw your edit 😬😂

Yeah. This sounds like what I need to do, thank you

It strikes me that your husband doesn't care about building local friendships etc. You think you're doing that for him but you're the one that wants it. So that's all irrelevant. As for the guest bed preparation, I'd have left them to it.

No he really won't! It's just not what he does. He loves a party though. He was thoroughly up for the party, just doesn't do the organisation

Ah , if you’re at that point, then everything else is irrelevant. Even if he had suddenly done everything perfectly, one night won’t erase years of being taken for granted , doing it all (and more) , not being appreciated (because it’s your “choice”) and conversations that never lead to change.

He didn’t though, and made you the bad guy as the cherry on the shit cake. Sorry to be so mean, but you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Did you miss where I said I'd said wow what a lovely tidy house that's brilliant
Fair enough but then pointing out the bed wasn't made undo most of it and still comes as a criticism.

Maybe you could have said something like 'i'll go and make the bed, are you ok to do X in the meantime '.

Of course, there is then body language and tone of voice that have more weight in communication than the actual words themselves.

He really does love the socialising! He always says yes before I do when we get an invitation.

The cleaning I did because he wasn't actually home and I was. He was at work and I had the day off. If he'd been off he'd probably have done it.

I appreciate the comment about not saying anything in front of family member. That was probably me being in the wrong.