To feel annoyed by their behaviour

[TLDC]

I have a very passive DH, it's an ongoing frustration. He doesn't organise anything nice for me or the kids, he also doesn't do confrontation in any way.

We moved to a new area 6 years ago. I made a huge effort to get to know people, resulting in a lovely group of families who hang out regularly and he benefits from this with his kids having close friendships with the children and us receiving regular invitations to parties or outings with these people. He has never organised anything, and it's always me who arranges the outings with them or invites their kids over. He says often how lovely it is that we have met these people.

Previously we weren't in the position to host, but this year we moved to a new house and we both said it would be lovely to now be able to have friends over as we'd have space for guests.

Each year a family always hosts a party in the surrounding neighborhood to celebrate a local holiday. We've never been the hosts, so this year I suggested we take our turn and DH agreed. His family member asked if they could visit on same day and I said yes of course! Kids were very excited for their child staying over and I made sure bedding was ready, spare bedroom clean and towels etc.

Party was lovely, kids had a blast. It was only a few games and food. I did all of it - decorating the house with the kids, buying and prepping food and drinks, arranging games, I also took day off work and cleaned the whole house in preparation. The only thing he did was pour a few drinks for people and take the pizzas out of the oven.

I took the kids including family members child out to a neighbour's after the party, asking if he'd mind tidying up. He said he was happy with this.

Got home after an hour or so, house was tidy and he was on couch with wine. I said wow it's so tidy that's brilliant. But then I went upstairs and discovered he hadn't made up bed for his family member and child to sleep. So I said oh I thought you might have made up the bed?

To which both him and family member rolled their eyes and said oh FFS typical you point out the one thing not done! Made big deal saying he'd tidied up and this is all I could mention. I said well hang on, I organised everything and cleaned house? Plus took kids out to give them a chance to catch up. Family member said that the party was my idea and not DH choice. DH also said the party was my idea. I went upstairs and made up the bed, then went to bed as I didn't want to speak to either of them anymore.

I felt so sad that I'd gone to all this effort, but there was no thanks for that or that I'd prepped everything and made family member welcome. The next day I again took their child out, paid for their lunch and entertainment, because I love the child and my kids love hanging out with them. The family member and I had a short chat, during which they called me moody and controlling.

Today I feel very lonely in my relationship and unappreciated. I've felt very lonely for a long time and that my DH doesn't appreciate me. This family member always makes these sorts of comments to me and I've previously brushed it off but I'm annoyed. I'm also annoyed at the family member for being so blunt.

Aibu to be upset or am I being oversensitive and actually should have not expected him to tidy up and make up the bed.

Yabu - yes oversensitive
Yanbu - they were unkind

I think, knowing what he is like over many years, you probably should have stipulated making the bed as well.

That said, don't put up with it anymore from this day forward.

Tell him you are not happy, that he takes you for granted, does the bare minimum only when asked and then does nothing to support you when his family members are rude to you.

If his family want to stay, pass it over to him to deal with, including making up beds etc.

Pull back from the day-to-day things that impact him. His laundry for a start.

No he really won't! It's just not what he does. He loves a party though. He was thoroughly up for the party, just doesn't do the organisation
Not everything you both do has to be shared equally all the time.

Maybe you are better at organising but he is better at something else.

Maybe he works FT in a tiring job whilst you work PT in a more relaxed one.

Ultimately, you think he is lazy and doesn't do enough and he thinks you're a controlling nag. Not a good match.

No I was very happy when I came in and said how lovely it was. Definitely not patronising!

And isn’t that quite sad? Happiness that not only did he do the one job, but that he did it well?

I'm probably more of an organiser. He's a doer, anything practical he's great normally.

I think all those who've said it's a symptom are all right. We're away together this week so I'll speak to him about how it made me feel and try to move things forwards.

He is a bit blind to seeing anything that needs doing. Perhaps I should have asked, but I also have it in my head tha I shouldn't have to keep asking?

You sound tiresome. You are a sociable person and love meeting people and hosting. But then you are constantly annoyed with your dh for not being the same as you. You ask him to do something which he then does but pick out one small job that he hasn't done......yet. Why did it already need to have been done? Why did you do it? Presumably someone would have had to do it before bedtime and if you hadn't jumped in to do it presumably dh or family member would have had to do it. Also did you consider that criticising your dh in front of a guest is pretty rude, unpleasant and embarrassing behaviour. If you are upset with him then raise it privately later, not in front of guests.

Crikey. You got that I'm tiresome from one tiny insight? Wow. Does it make you feel good writing that? There is a real person at this end reading replies.

He loves being sociable - nowhere have I said he doesn't. He always wants to go to invitations, he has his own group with the guys and they chat between them.

Where does it say I'm constantly annoyed? Again, not true.

The guest is family. They are someone I know very well.

I didn't criticise him, I said oh I thought you might have done the bed? Not "you complete dickwad, you didn't do the bed!"

I hope that's made it a bit clearer for you.

Not intended to be I’m sure. But anything said is open to interpretation- especially when criticism shortly follows it.

Wait what??? Who cares if shes an adult. Shes saying she expects support from her husband, HIS family member seems to have far too much to say for themselves and ops husband should be spotting the pile on. How dare they both make comments to the woman who has done everything in the house for them when all they did was one tidy up. Even if hubby was put out, he tells his wife privately and the guest needs to shut their mouth all together. Like seriously if you haven't got anything sensible to say...

"He is a bit blind to seeing anything that needs doing. "

That's handy for him isn't it.

He sounds like someone who needs a mum not a wife.

I'd have been inclined to leave the bed not done and not mention it! DHs guest, DH's problem, and let it be on him when they get upstairs and it's not done.

Hi op - you didn't nothing wrong - did you say it was his mother who chips in - he's a weak man with no backbone - maybe he complains about you to them behind your back - they have pandered to him - drop the rope a bit if you can - you need to get very specific in your requests so he is clear. Id be tempted to tell the relative to "butt out"

My BIL is just like this family member so you have my sympathy. That sounds really unpleasant. I'm considered strong and able to hold my own but I feel very alone and unsupported. I'm having counseling about how to separate and look forward to not seeing snide BIL much in the future.

Yanbu.
He sounds like a weak lazy man, who leaves it to you.
Weak lazy men are very unattractive.
Start doing a lot less for him.
Do nothing that makes his life easier.
Also focus on your own family, not entertaining relatives.
You have enough going on.

His mother by any chance?

I have no idea why you are being deliberately cryptic about the "family member" but I think it is relevant. Is it his brother? Sister? Mum?

And next time… leave the bed

if it’s DH family, he can do the work required- or not.

Any family member who told me I was being moody and controlling after inviting themselves to my house for a party would have been told that they were spectacularly rude, and asked who the hell they thought they were to sit and slag me off in my own home.

WRT the bed, I’d probably have said that it needed putting together so child could go to bed and asked DH whether he could help to get it done more quickly.

I would not have made their bed up - I would have poured a glass of wine and told DH where the sheets are. It would also be the last time I encourage the family member to visit - we also do not have conversations like this in front of other people.

I wouldn’t be hosting his family member again no matter how much I loved their kid! It’s showing the family member they can treat you badly and you will accept it.

I can understand them rolling their eyes if you asked him to clean up, he cleans the house then you come in moaning about something else. Is it really that big a deal? How long does it take to make up a pull out bed. We're talking less than 5 minutes.

You're not going to change your husband. Counselling may help you each see the other's points of view more clearly (as long as you don't assume your point of view is the right one). It may also help you see the bigger picture regarding your relationship- not just the snapshot you have described here.

Lots of people like socialising but don't want
to organise/ make the effort themselves - that's nothing unusual.

You could change how you approach things - check he is on board, draw up a plan together and make it clear who will do what in advance ('line manage' him as a pp suggested). Or accept you are keen to organise things and he isn't, and that he has other things he brings to the relationship (or not).

I wouldn’t accept being spoken to like shit by the family member and I’d be making that very clear to them and happily make them squirm in the process.

Don’t let them get away with the usual ‘I was only joking’ retort. You have to be very firm with these types and treat them like a truculent toddler. Pull them up on it every single time they open their mouth. They’ll eventually learn to keep it shtum.

If your husband is generally good at pulling his weight, maybe accept that he’s less good at planning ahead and leave him short lists of jobs that need doing?

Some of these replies are aggravating. He shouldn't need praising for doing a job. I'm sure in his paid employment he's not micromanaged either.
It's disrespectful to always accept what someone does for you and never put the effort in yourself. He enjoys the social occasions just can't be arsed to organise them himself.
You should have have told the family member their kid wants to go to bed so they'd better get on and make it. I wouldn't be inviting them back either.
One disrespectful twat in the house is more than enough.

I tell you what @TLDC - regardless of the rights and wrongs of this situation, it would be the last time I’d have that family member to stay. Tell them to get in the sea!!