To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

He doesn't have to accept the gift. He can find somewhere else to stay or pay her rent. What he can't have is free accommodation and not follow through on the deal he made in order to get it. Good life lesson for him, don't make deals you are willing to stand by.

It's an odd arrangement, but if he agreed to attend the meal in exchange for rent free accommodation, then he needs to leave or stick to it.

I think there's loads of weird projection on here.
I can think of lots of quid pro quo arrangements
My neighbour has his niece living with him, he charges minimal rent but the deal is that she takes him to all his appointments (he can't drive anymore due to a medical.issue)
Not coercive , but a clear part of the deal
I think it's really normal
My.mum made it clear when I was 18 that she wouldn't charge me rent but I needed to share the cooking and cleaning , otherwise she would charge me

I'll refer you to my point that nobody would actually think it's a serious condition of offering a family member accommodation, because it's a mental demand to make of anyone.

In what way that any normal, sane, well-adjusted person would understand is this "abusive" ?

She's invited him to be part of her family. He's declined. She's not obliged to offer rent-free accommodation to anyone, let alone someone who disdains her company.

How many indifferent strangers do you have living in your properties?

But it's not for the greater good of the family. It's just a power play. OP had it done to her so now she thinks it's her turn to "be in charge". She has fallen out with her sister and mother because of it. And her nephew must think she's batshit crazy. Is that your definition of the "greater long-term good of the family"?

I understand why people think it is odd- but it is a good benchmark. If they don't want to spend one meal a week with you they are not 'close enough' to get free rent.

I'd not make him come to dinner (he's made it clear he would only be coming for the free rent - not for you .. or your company).. but I would kick him out.

Oh my god you remind me of my mil so bloody needy. I personally can't stand having to go round to someone's house for Sunday lunch like in laws and have to make small talk all afternoon. You sound lonely, is there a hobby you could take up or go out for the day a couple of Sundays every month, that would fill me with dread feeling forced to do something I didn't really want to each week, cut him some slack.

“So I used to live on the family caravan park with compulsory Sunday lunch with my unbearable aunt. I didn’t want to go, by Sunday night studying all week and work and stress I just needed to rest but they said I could pay them hundreds of pounds a month or leave if I didn’t go and make pudding and wash up and play nice.”

Mate, that’s creepy af, do you still see them?

“God no. I think on reflection they were a cult.”

He is already part of her family, by virtue of being related to her.

Healthy families doesn't make demands on people and offer "gifts" that come with controlling, abusive conditions on how people spend their time, in order to lord over them like some weird oligarch.

@No5ChalksRoad- but it’s not a long standing family tradition for the nephew - @TipJarTroubadourssays in her OP that it’s her sister’s son. The tradition of “Sunday dinner blackmail” is her husband’s family’s fucked up tradition, that oddly the OP has decided to continue and can’t say why she feels it’s a good thing for all involved.

It's "compelled" in the same way as I am compelled to pay my mortgage!
He agreed to the terms, he didn't have to, he was not compelled to. This is not difficult.

It's mental to.me that anyone would accept free rent without expecting there to be any commitment or responsibilty necessary

There's lots of mumsnetters with low standards who are providing blow jobs, childcare and domestic labour to arsehole men who are footing the financial bill, too. but suddenly they read the OP's scenario and they see a controlling abuser behind every shrub. The mind truly reels.

Life lesson, don't expect people to give you £10k in free accommodation without strings when they specifically say the strings are a Sunday meal. He made a deal, he's not sticking to it so he loses the deal. It's very simple.

When is he ever going to encounter a situation this bonkers again? 🤣

Doesn't strike me as a transferable life lesson!

OP why oh why do you want to force people to eat with you on pain of eviction? I get that it's a nice suggestion, but you're not suggesting, you're mandating. Have you considered why he doesn't want to? Have you asked him? Do you even care, or do you just want to steamroller your will upon the situation?

We get that you have saved him money, but you seem to feel that gives you a weird entitlement to his time. Why? What has the one thing got to do with the other (apart from you've attempted to link them in a dodgy sounding contract)?

He’s her nephew. He’s already ‘part of her family’. Mind you her own son is also apparently subject to this conditional family membership, so who knows what kind of weird family dynamic she’s got going on.

The life lesson being run the fuck away from the OP and don't look back.

Why do you consider it fucked up?

Why would anyone offer free rent to someone who is not close enough to dine with for two hours once a week? He doesn't feel close or connected to the OP, so he can pay his rent like any other unconnected stranger would.

Are you ok? I mean, really?

Because that is some grade A nonsense right there.

Not at all the same things. I would happily take uncle to his medical appts because there is a need for them. Also very reasonable to share cooking and cleaning tasks with your mum. If the OP asked for them to do some cleaning job in lieu of rent I would find that very reasonable. But to attend her Sunday dinners is just a power move- she likes the idea of having a family gathering so much that she doesn't realise that making them into an obligation takes away all joy from such gatherings and just makes everyone miserable.

Wow

@TipJarTroubadours See this would be lovely. If you fancy housing me and my teenager we'll come every Sunday, bring flowers, make dessert each week and cook the roast if you wanted a weekend off cooking!

It's not a big ask at all.

I bet you have a lovely dining table.

Thats more understandable...thats actually doing things that have a clear benefit to others/the household that they live in.

An enforced social dinner every single week? That doesn't have a benefit if the individual doesn't want to be there. I can't even see how it benefits op, as I'd hate to think someone was only having dinner with me was because they felt they had to (or to avoid moving out or paying rent)

I want people to spend time with me because they actually want to

OP has said:

'Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner'

They all sound around the same age.