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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
Pleasegodgotosleep · 01/11/2025 13:55

So leave? What is the actual point of this thread? People irl have told you, why do you think you'll get a different response here?

Butterflywings84 · 01/11/2025 13:55

I really don’t get the resentment towards their mum. What’s the actual child care arrangements? If your husband is meant to have them then he needs to sort out who is looking after them if he is working. If she tries to drop them off when she’s not meant to then don’t open the door. However if she is an alcoholic query whether she is the most suitable person to look after them. Would you be better having them more regularly then he won’t have to pay so much? It all sounds a mess but I think I have to agree you knew what you were getting into and you can’t blame the children or their mother - you have basically agreed to take on someone else’s kids if you are happy for him to be working whilst you have them.

FOJN · 01/11/2025 13:55

Why are you even with him? I'm interested to know what you are getting out of a relationship with a man who works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week? Sounds like you spend more time with his kids than you do with him.

This will not get any better so you need to stop complaining and leave.

stichguru · 01/11/2025 13:55

Tell your husband you aren't looking after his kids anymore. If he wants/needs to work weekends, he needs to make sure that his ex has the kids. If his ex won't have the kids then he needs to get a new job that means no weekend work. Don't be in when she drops them off, then if he isn't in, it becomes her problem to sort with him!

Sockdays · 01/11/2025 13:56

You are an unbelievable mug.
No other word for it.

You must be absolutely mad to think this was anything other than madness.

Pack your bag and leave.
You don't even share a child with him.

Ffs, you are the skivvy aupair.

Unbelievable. Hard to believe this is real and someone would actually get suckered into such madness.

Pollqueen · 01/11/2025 13:56

So the kids' mum drops them off every Friday for their dad to have them over the weekend. Kudos to her, why shouldn't their dad parent them every weekend? If the whole load is falling on your shoulders, more fool you. Why on earth take on a man with 4 kids, as this is the reality and I'm not sure what you expect anyone to say

Ilovecakey · 01/11/2025 13:56

I think yabu to call them "another woman's children" they are also your partners children. But I dont think you are unreasonable to feel a bit resentful of having to look after them all while it sounds like your partner doesn't do much.

I see it as you have 2 options either stop doing as much and tell him to look after his own kids or leave him.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/11/2025 13:56

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:37

it’s not an issue having them, i can’t stop him from having his children over just like he can’t stop me from having my child. the problem is on weekends when i am supposed to relax because my child is with their dad, i am having to look after another woman’s kids. she gets to relax i don’t.

What is your husband doing when his four kids come over? Is he in the house but not helping or does he go out and leave you with his kids?

You should make your own plans and go out every weekend. Do you have family or friends that you could visit?

Who is wetting the bed? How old are his kids?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 01/11/2025 13:57

Tryingatleast · 01/11/2025 13:44

Didshejustsaythatoutloud

it’s not funny. Try not having your kids every weekend

Yeah it is funny imagining a mum of 4 NOT wanting a breather every weekend

Orangeangel · 01/11/2025 13:57

I honestly couldn't do this. Have you thought of maybe living separately to your DH? I understand it might not be financially possible though. But if it was, you could still be in a relationship and obviously you could still go over at the weekend and see the kids and help out if you wanted - but it wouldn't be your responsibility to do everything for them, and you could then go back to your own tidy, peaceful house.

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 13:57

Well he will have to close the restaurant then won't he, and look after his kids. Yes he will lose money and so will have to pay her less.

Neither will change until you do.

You are a nanny with a fanny to him, and just a nanny to her.

So stop

Devilsmommy · 01/11/2025 13:57

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:37

it’s not an issue having them, i can’t stop him from having his children over just like he can’t stop me from having my child. the problem is on weekends when i am supposed to relax because my child is with their dad, i am having to look after another woman’s kids. she gets to relax i don’t.

Book a hotel for the weekend and leave your husband to parent his own kids

Bobiverse · 01/11/2025 13:57

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:37

it’s not an issue having them, i can’t stop him from having his children over just like he can’t stop me from having my child. the problem is on weekends when i am supposed to relax because my child is with their dad, i am having to look after another woman’s kids. she gets to relax i don’t.

I’m disgusting about how you’re speaking about their mother. Of course she gets to go off, her kids are with their dad, as they should be.

It’s him who is the problem, not her. He is the one leaving all the work to you, not looking after his kids and not doing chores to keep the house in order. You picked shit man, but you’re just as bad since you seem to think their mother is somehow to blame. Your husband is shit. Sorry.

Dweetfidilove · 01/11/2025 13:57

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:37

because he works full time he owns a restaurant. he has to pay the BM over 2 k a month in child support even though the children are with us 10 or so days a month

Well, he is paying for FOUR kids he doesn't have 20 days per month.

Why don't you invoice him for the 10 days you're looking after them?

Honestly, didn't you date him? What was he doing with the children while he was dating you amd running his 24/7 business?

PincesssPeachh · 01/11/2025 13:57

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

And yet you want them to spend more time in that situation - with their alcoholic mother, unwashed in dirty clothes and hungry. Nice.

Every time you reply about your husband, it makes you both sound worse. It's not the mothers problem he works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. He shouldn't just have the option to opt out of being a parent.

If you don't want to look after the kids, your husband needs to watch his own children or arrange childcare. Your anger is at the wrong person.

Vinvertebrate · 01/11/2025 13:58

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:55

if there’s no one home she’ll drop them to his restaurant and run off. he will have to call me to come and fetch them otherwise he would have to close down his restaurant which isn’t a option sadly. she knows exactly what she is doing sadly and doesn’t care. this is why my anger is towards her. it’s not he is free on weekends she’s dropping them to their dad and he’s just being lazy. then yes that’s not her fault . however she is bringing them to me to look after knowing they don’t spend time with their dad as their dad is working.

The MN classic of “No is a complete sentence” might help you when your DH calls from the restaurant.

When does he propose that he sees these 4 children of his, that he seems to think are not his responsibility? Is there a court order and what does it say?

InterIgnis · 01/11/2025 13:58

PigletIsWorried · 01/11/2025 13:53

So what's your solution, your husband never sees his kids again? His ex parents 4 kids by herself for 7 days a week? Clearly that's not actually the answer.

You are directing your resentment in completely the wrong direction. Your husband is the one failing you and his kids by not looking after them. His ex looks after four children five days a week, she's doing her share and more. If he can't afford the maintenance he's paying he needs to get a court order for an amount based on his income.

Your husband is the one relying on the women in his life to step in and cover his responsibilities to his children. He's the one you need to expect more from, not the ex already doing more than 50%.

It’s not OP that owes this woman a break. Her ex refusing to because he’s working isn’t OP’s problem.

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 01/11/2025 13:58

MinimumRage · 01/11/2025 13:47

These poor kids. You send your own DD away at weekends and look forward to this as your “free time” and your husbands kids are shunted to you, and you assume its so his ex-wife can have “free time”. I dont read anything in this post about what the kids want / whether they’re happy.

That's what I was thinking. Poor kids don't seem to be wanted by anyone. Their dad needs to step up.

NomoneyNoprospects · 01/11/2025 13:58

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:39

working full time 12 hours a day :(

This is barmy, what sort of arrangement have your DH and his ex come to? What's the point in his kids being there if he's out the entire time?

He must take some days off, if he works every weekend then either that needs to change or he has his children during the week on his off days instead. Picks them up from school and takes them out or whatever.

Why the fuck are they destroying furniture and wetting the bed? How old are they?

Fuck what other people are telling you about knowing he had kids when you got married. This is absolutely no way to live and I'd give him an ultimatum here, he starts actually parenting them or you leave him.

What on earth would his plan be if you weren't around?

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 01/11/2025 13:58

All sounds like some weird martyr step mother fantasy tbh.

Tryingatleast · 01/11/2025 13:58

Didshejustsaythatoutloud

I have 4. Some of us would rather have the kids

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:59

Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2025 13:50

What happened with the children when he separated from.his wife and before you were living with him?

You need to speak with your DH and rearrange the childcare or he has to alter his job.

nothing, he was living in a flat share with friends she never brang the children to him once! as she knew he is working and can’t look after them. the minute he moved in with me she brang them every week.

OP posts:
No5ChalksRoad · 01/11/2025 13:59

Dweetfidilove · 01/11/2025 13:57

Well, he is paying for FOUR kids he doesn't have 20 days per month.

Why don't you invoice him for the 10 days you're looking after them?

Honestly, didn't you date him? What was he doing with the children while he was dating you amd running his 24/7 business?

I wonder that, too.

How did this situation arise in the first place??

shhblackbag · 01/11/2025 13:59

Ihavepaidalotforthisstory · 01/11/2025 13:29

Honestly your family are right. You knew this man had 4 children before you married him. You could divorce him or alternatively accept the situation. He's not going to drop his kids or at least I hope not!

No, but he should be the one looking after thrm. Ugh. YANBU, OP. Start going out.

popcornandpotatoes · 01/11/2025 14:00

You've done some real mental gymnastics here to be able to blame the children's mother for this. When does your DH actually see his children then? What would he do if you left? And yes they are poor kids. According to you they have an alcoholic mother, absent father and a stepmother who resents their existence

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