i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

His work schedule is not her problem. He's told her he won't find a way to spend anytime with his own children and you think she's the problem. He doesn't give a shit because he can leave two women arguing over who looks after his children. Was he ever at home when they were together? Is his refusal to participate in family life the reason they split up?

You’ve got this all arseways.

The kids aren’t the problem and neither is their Mum.

The problem is your DH.

You aren’t “looking after another woman’s kids” or “doing her work for her” - you’re looking after your DH’s kids and doing his work for him.

His weekends with his kids are for him to do the work for - obviously you will spend time with them, but the cooking, clearing up, getting up early, getting them to bed and to any hobbies etc are all for him to do.

Why do all these kids spend every single weekend and none of the weekdays with their dads though? Surely you must want some weekend days with your child, as must your DC’s Mum?

Well, clearly his choice of career isn’t compatible with his choice to produce four offspring.

He needs to find a different job. If his cms goes down as a result, she’ll have to step up and earn more. None of this is your issue to solve.

I wouldn’t stay in this situation for 10 minutes. It must really suck for your child, to live with this chaos and commotion.

YANBU to feel upset and to struggle with having no downtime due to caring for your 4 stepchildren every weekend.

YABVU unreasonable to blame your stepchildren's mother. If your DH can't/won't take care of his children at the weekend, then your only options are 1) put up with it and stay married, or 2)refuse to put up with it and divorce.

Have the contact arrangements changed unexpectedly leading to more work for you since you got together with your husband? Even if they have not, it is also ok to realise that you cannot cope any longer and make the decision to leave your DH based on this - by the sound of it the kids are still young and you have years of this ahead of you. I think what you can't have is the utopia of having your husband child-free with quiet weekends while your child is with her dad. Also, bear in mind that many single parents as well as parents still in original family unit never have time off at the weekends - they have to take care of their kids 24/7.

Can’t the kids come when your child is there?
them you get a weekend without any of them?

Im sympathetic. I know i would not be able to do this. I’d have to end the relationship or insist husband takes them off to a hired cabin in the woods or something.

NO man is worth taking on FOUR kids for surely?! Four! Sounds like a bloody living hell. I would have run so fast. So should you.

As hard as it is, being unwashed, having an alcoholic mum and being shunted by their father is a pretty good definition of "poor kids".

That doesn't mean that they aren't terrors. I would tell DH that the set up needs to change. Where would they be if you were not available?

If he runs a small restaurant then yes he might (Saturday evening and Sunday lunch are usually peak times).

But he could go to court to move contact to midweek, when he could be home to see them. He could give up overnights, but look after them in a morning before he starts work (he isn’t at work from 6am to 10pm seven days a week). Obviously he would pay more maintenance if he wasn’t doing any overnights.

What isn’t fair is having OP look after them by herself every weekend because “he works”. I would leave in that situation.

Divorce OP. You’re exhausted and ruining your own child’s home life.

What a strange choice of job for a parent of 4. Morhers of 4 kids can’t choose jobs like that.

Just imagine that there are many mothers and fathers who have their children 24/7 with no breaks because their parents are still together.

Laughing at the fact you should have a break from parenting your own child 🤣

The mother of these children is brilliant. Jot sure why you are blaming her. A man left her alone with 4 kids, she's absolutely right to drop them with him every weekend.

Your issues aren't with her. Wise up.

Again, how old are the children ?

How old are the children? . Because what you are describing doesn’t sound right to me. surely as they get older, children start to help out, tidy after themselves, make their own beds etc? I have children but don’t have the mess you describe each weekend. Everyone tidies up after playing, puts their plates into the dishwasher and does their share. Admittedly, this doesn’t happen until they’re a bit older, but I wouldn’t be tolerating a total mess every weekend.

Honestly, why did you choose to marry a man with 4 neglected children? A man who can’t really afford to have that many children as he hasn’t got enough time to look after them?
I feel sorry for those children.

So the kids are breaking your own child's toys and peeing in her bed and you still let them in the door? What on earth are you doing. You need to leave and give your DD a safe space to live.

I hate to see that you are blaming a woman when obviously you should blame a man (your husband) for doing / not doing things. I think you are not being unreasonable to tell your husband that some weekends he should be looking after his own kids without you stepping up. But you are being unreasonable to blame your stepchildren’s mom in this situation.

The kids are clearly unwanted by any of their parents or step parents

No wonder they kick off.

So what's your solution, your husband never sees his kids again? His ex parents 4 kids by herself for 7 days a week? Clearly that's not actually the answer.

You are directing your resentment in completely the wrong direction. Your husband is the one failing you and his kids by not looking after them. His ex looks after four children five days a week, she's doing her share and more. If he can't afford the maintenance he's paying he needs to get a court order for an amount based on his income.

Your husband is the one relying on the women in his life to step in and cover his responsibilities to his children. He's the one you need to expect more from, not the ex already doing more than 50%.

Turn this in its head and don’t return the DC if she doesn’t care for them report to SS.

Your DH must earn a lot to pay £2k if he doesn’t go back through CMS and get it reassessed.

Not RTFT but chances are he married you to look after his house and children.

The children are your husband's. He's the one not parenting them, not their mother.

imagine thinking a man, who you never see, is worth this. Utterly baffling.

Reading all your updates properly, I think your only option is to break up with this man who works 12 hours, 7 days a week. You must never see him anyway!

That frees you entirely of the problem of his kids and their Mum!

Also WHY are you subjecting your kids to these unruly children??

if there’s no one home she’ll drop them to his restaurant and run off. he will have to call me to come and fetch them otherwise he would have to close down his restaurant which isn’t a option sadly. she knows exactly what she is doing sadly and doesn’t care. this is why my anger is towards her. it’s not he is free on weekends she’s dropping them to their dad and he’s just being lazy. then yes that’s not her fault . however she is bringing them to me to look after knowing they don’t spend time with their dad as their dad is working.

Why are you there at dropping off time?

I would be hot footing it to a hotel as soon as my daughter is at her dads. No way would I be there.

Why are you?