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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
GehenSieweiter · 01/11/2025 14:00

Pricelessadvice · 01/11/2025 13:29

You married a man with kids. Surely you realised that you might end up having the kids quite regularly?

Having the kids over, yes, doing all the parenting while they're there, no way.

No5ChalksRoad · 01/11/2025 14:00

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:59

nothing, he was living in a flat share with friends she never brang the children to him once! as she knew he is working and can’t look after them. the minute he moved in with me she brang them every week.

And you didn’t say “sorry, I’m not available for childcare “?

ThatsNotAKnife · 01/11/2025 14:01

Your step kids and their mum aren't the problem. Your lazy DH is the problem. He needs to be caring and bathing his children etc.

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 14:01

popcornandpotatoes · 01/11/2025 14:00

You've done some real mental gymnastics here to be able to blame the children's mother for this. When does your DH actually see his children then? What would he do if you left? And yes they are poor kids. According to you they have an alcoholic mother, absent father and a stepmother who resents their existence

This. Poor children.

Soontobe60 · 01/11/2025 14:01

Pricelessadvice · 01/11/2025 13:29

You married a man with kids. Surely you realised that you might end up having the kids quite regularly?

My DH married a woman with kids- me. He didn’t end up looking after her at all because she’s my child and my responsibility!

Bobiverse · 01/11/2025 14:01

@stepparent55
If he works 7 days a week then what is his actual plan for seeing and looking after his kids? He has to do his fair share. Or do you think she should have them all the time? Why hasn’t he sorted out a contact schedule and taken the time off work to stick to it.

Their mother is an alcoholic and they are neglected? Yet their dad has left them living there with her? Why hasn’t he taken over as resident parent, he wouldn’t need to pay CM anymore and the children could be well cared for by their dad and by the proper childcare he arranges for them.

Oh wait, he doesn’t want them full time, doesn’t want to pay for childcare or deal with the responsibility and sees parenting children as women’s work so won’t limit his career to step in and be a parent.

Again, your husband is just shit.

Tigerbalmshark · 01/11/2025 14:02

This reply has been deleted

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Whatabouterytoutery · 01/11/2025 14:02

Go away when your child goes to his Dads stop being available. What will your husband do if you decide to end your marriage. You are behaving like a donkey and your husband and his ex are riding you.

Dweetfidilove · 01/11/2025 14:02

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

They are indeed 'poor kids.'

If my children were being neglected by an alcoholic parent, I wouldn't leave them in their care. In fact, if your husband assumes full custody of his uncared for children, you can keep that £2k you keep banging on about as he'll no longer be paying CM.

He doesn't just get to say he can't have them because he has to work, then complain that they're not being properly careful for. He's also failing them.

Shudacudawuda · 01/11/2025 14:02

It's not unreasonable of his ex wife to try to facilitate access for her children to their father.
Him not making sure he is able to spend time with them makes him completely unreasonable.
She's doing her bit, he's not doing his. You're plugging the gap and blaming her!

What exactly do you think she should be doing differently? Never allow her kids to come to see their dad?

InterIgnis · 01/11/2025 14:02

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:59

nothing, he was living in a flat share with friends she never brang the children to him once! as she knew he is working and can’t look after them. the minute he moved in with me she brang them every week.

Then jettison him back to a flat share. You don’t have to collect them because he asks you to. If it makes his work difficult then oh well. They’re his children, so let him deal with them.

Nsky62 · 01/11/2025 14:03

Pricelessadvice · 01/11/2025 13:29

You married a man with kids. Surely you realised that you might end up having the kids quite regularly?

Well yes every other weekend

Tigerbalmshark · 01/11/2025 14:03

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:59

nothing, he was living in a flat share with friends she never brang the children to him once! as she knew he is working and can’t look after them. the minute he moved in with me she brang them every week.

If it’s your house, boot him out. Problem solved.

No5ChalksRoad · 01/11/2025 14:03

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:55

if there’s no one home she’ll drop them to his restaurant and run off. he will have to call me to come and fetch them otherwise he would have to close down his restaurant which isn’t a option sadly. she knows exactly what she is doing sadly and doesn’t care. this is why my anger is towards her. it’s not he is free on weekends she’s dropping them to their dad and he’s just being lazy. then yes that’s not her fault . however she is bringing them to me to look after knowing they don’t spend time with their dad as their dad is working.

You need to decline and let him figure out a solution.

He has four kids. He either needs to hire employees or sell the restaurant and find a job with no weekends.

He is having everything his way. Why did he choose to sire four kids with an alcoholic?

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 14:04

There are so many women stuck in awful situations where they simply cannot do a thing about it.

@stepparent55 - you are not one of those.

No5ChalksRoad · 01/11/2025 14:04

Are you married to this person?

UpMyself · 01/11/2025 14:04

@stepparent55 , the problem is your DH.
You were naïve to not predict that your current situation wouldn't happen, but you can end your marriage and move on with your life.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 01/11/2025 14:05

Divorce him. This won’t get better. As a last resort I would tell him, this cannot continue. I might consider every other weekend if he actually parents them while under my roof, 3 month trial. If not. Nope 👎 life is too short for drudgery and piss taking every week. It’s not the ex’s fault. Stop saying that she gets a break, waaaaahhhh… I want a break, waaaahhhh!!! Tell your useless bellend dh to parent his kids! And ffs don’t have anymore kids with him… he has enough

Ohnobackagain · 01/11/2025 14:05

@stepparent55 it is all on your DH to fix. How long since you got married? Honestly, if not long then hopefully he wouldn’t get much out of you (ie your house) if you divorce and you can put this behind you.

It still isn’t on her or her fault though - it’s for him to close his restaurant/go to court and sort her out. Both of you have enabled this to continue. Sorry that isn’t what you want to hear.

loseuss · 01/11/2025 14:05

This is why I wouldn’t entertain a man with 4 kids. You should have got with a man who had the same amount of kids you had, not 4 times as many.

Things can change and the children may even live with him more than 50% of the time one day. For example what if the mum falls ill or goes off somewhere?

You knew about them when you remarried so I don’t feel bad for you but only for the kids who are not wanted at their dad’s house.

Your husband likely remarried so he would have childcare at the weekend. Didn’t you speak about who would look after his kids on the weekends?

This is on both of you.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 01/11/2025 14:05

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:55

if there’s no one home she’ll drop them to his restaurant and run off. he will have to call me to come and fetch them otherwise he would have to close down his restaurant which isn’t a option sadly. she knows exactly what she is doing sadly and doesn’t care. this is why my anger is towards her. it’s not he is free on weekends she’s dropping them to their dad and he’s just being lazy. then yes that’s not her fault . however she is bringing them to me to look after knowing they don’t spend time with their dad as their dad is working.

@stepparent55 are social services / safeguarding involved ? Reading all your updates including alcoholism, the kids being unkempt, not having clean clothes and their behaviour it sounds like this woman is struggling to parent her kids and the children may not even be safe. Your DH should be keeping records of all of this and speaking to relevant people. Ultimately if she is unfit to look after them then he will become the default parent anyway unless there is another family member willing to take them on for most days a month. It sounds a real mess and a real shame. I can see why you’re angry but I’m mostly sad for those kids whether they’re “terrors” or not. I can’t see this getting easier for you so I do think the easiest thing would be to extract yourself asap

PigletIsWorried · 01/11/2025 14:06

InterIgnis · 01/11/2025 13:58

It’s not OP that owes this woman a break. Her ex refusing to because he’s working isn’t OP’s problem.

Yeah, I've been pretty clear that the problem is OP's irresponsible, deadbeat husband

MadinMarch · 01/11/2025 14:06

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

'Poor kids' because neither of their parents seem to want them. It can't be easy living with an alcoholic mother who drops the kids off unexpectedly even in the time she should be caring for them. You say the kids don't have clean clothes, are unwashed and pee in beds. They run riot at home and have no boundaries.Their father is never there when they need him, and you, the default carer, resent them (somewhat understandably, but you are enabling the situation to a large extent by not insisting your husband arranges to care for his own children) and have no appreciation that they are living in chaos.

Can you really not see that this is not a happy situation for any of the children to be in? That they are being neglected? Poor children indeed!
I'm surprised they haven't come to the attention of social services. Do school have concerns?

Roosch · 01/11/2025 14:06

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:59

nothing, he was living in a flat share with friends she never brang the children to him once! as she knew he is working and can’t look after them. the minute he moved in with me she brang them every week.

Your options:

  1. Leave your DH
  2. Leave every time your children aren’t here. If they turn up to an empty house it’s not your problem is it.
  3. Feed them sweets and wash all their white clothes with colours, be such a shit “parent” that they won’t want to dump the 4 rascals on you.
ladyamy · 01/11/2025 14:06

Pricelessadvice · 01/11/2025 13:29

You married a man with kids. Surely you realised that you might end up having the kids quite regularly?

That exactly the type of reply the OP DIDN’T ask for.

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