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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
Optik · 01/11/2025 13:47

I'd be booking myself a spa weekend from Friday night to Monday morning.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

PigletIsWorried · 01/11/2025 13:42

But the reason you have the kids isn't to give the kid's mother time off or a break. It's nothing to do with her, really. It's to give the kids time and a relationship with their dad.

The unfairness in this situation isn't that the kids' mum is getting a break. It doesn't sound like your husband is actually doing the work of looking after his children. It shouldn't be your job to look after them and clean up after them. If he isn't willing to actually do that work then I don't blame you for wanting out of the marriage.

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

OP posts:
MinimumRage · 01/11/2025 13:47

These poor kids. You send your own DD away at weekends and look forward to this as your “free time” and your husbands kids are shunted to you, and you assume its so his ex-wife can have “free time”. I dont read anything in this post about what the kids want / whether they’re happy.

Zitroneneis · 01/11/2025 13:48

MoominMai · 01/11/2025 13:44

She obviously did. I think the issue is she didn’t realise the father would be so utterly useless so it took over her whole life when they’re over.

But did he help out more before they got married? I would assume that she had time to experience his parenting before agreeing to marry this man?

tequilam0ckingbird · 01/11/2025 13:48

He should only have his children when he can look after them. What would he do if he weren't married to you? he needs to come to an arrangement whereby he has them when he's off work.

It's not fair on you. It's not their mums fault, it's his. Totally.

Stand up for yourself!

dreamingbohemian · 01/11/2025 13:48

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2025 13:46

If you don’t have the intelligence to understand that it is your husband work you are doing, and not hers, then no one can help you.

she does 5 days a week, you do 2, their father does none. I have no idea how you can’t work out that it’s the father’s fault. None at all.

This!

Honestly OP there is no magic solution here, if he won't step up then you should just leave

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/11/2025 13:48

I’d leave. This would not be for me and your husband seems very happy to have everyone look after his kids - he won’t step up unless he has to.

Vinvertebrate · 01/11/2025 13:48

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:45

she does! as she regularly brings on them on weekdays too unannounced and then turns off her phone the whole week.

I kind of like the cut of EXW’s jib tbh! 😂

OP as others have said you are totally unreasonable to resent the EXW. You have a DH problem. When does he not work? That’s when contact with his children should be.

Ohnobackagain · 01/11/2025 13:48

it isn’t really the kids though @stepparent55 is it? It is being with someone who has to work weekends and you end up as default parent with no time off from ANY kids.

You need to have a conversation with DH about delegating every other weekend to another staff member, or changing jobs, or refuse every weekend and make it every other. And what is this with them peeing in the beds? It’s your DH and a lack of parenting (possibly both his ex and his).

As for leaving every weekend - I’d consider leaving entirely. In fact I would, because it sounds bloody awful.

You are not unreasonable for being fed up with it but it is not the exW that’s the whole issue here.

Brassknucks · 01/11/2025 13:48

Imagine being angry at their mum when their dads time. Don’t be a dick here, he chose to have four kids. He manages to not to any of the day to day shit or weekend shit by the sounds of it.

He can surely hire someone for the weekends for his restaurant? He knows he has his 4 kids of a weekend, it’s his own business, it'll cost him less to hire a new weekend chef or front of house etc than it would for a nanny.

This really isn’t the mums fault. I have to be honest as a mother of 4 I’d not be dropping my kids off to a lazy arsed ex who is getting his wife to care for his dc no, but I’d be saying they’re coming his days off

childofthe607080s · 01/11/2025 13:48

Yabu to put up with this
it’s a sorry mess now

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

MinimumRage · 01/11/2025 13:47

These poor kids. You send your own DD away at weekends and look forward to this as your “free time” and your husbands kids are shunted to you, and you assume its so his ex-wife can have “free time”. I dont read anything in this post about what the kids want / whether they’re happy.

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 01/11/2025 13:49

No5ChalksRoad · 01/11/2025 13:30

Why do you stay? He clearly couldn’t care less about you.

This. What does he contribute to your life? Nothing that I can see.

He isn't the father of your child so no loss there. He is basically using you as free housekeeper, cook and nanny. What did you marry him for? Why don't you leave? Life would be much better on your own.

tequilam0ckingbird · 01/11/2025 13:49

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

Make sure you're out so you're not in to drop them off to.

What custody arrangements were agreed when they divorced?

InterIgnis · 01/11/2025 13:49

Say no. You don’t ‘have’ to take on parental responsibility for his children, you’re choosing to. And no, it wasn’t and isn’t something you have to suck up by virtue of marrying him.

dreamingbohemian · 01/11/2025 13:50

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

So lock the door and don't let her in! Why are you being so passive. She can't make you take them.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 01/11/2025 13:50

dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc

This is a husband problem not a stepkid problem.
Arguably the curtain poles etc are also a husband problem if he was effectively parenting it wouldn't happen.

Grammarninja · 01/11/2025 13:50

If you hadn't decided to bring a man with children into your life, you would be the mum with the free weekends so you shouldn't feel resentful to stepchildren's mum. You walked into this situation with your eyes wide open.
You have three options now

  1. Leave this man and remain single
  2. Leave this man and find one who doesn't have children
  3. Stay and come to terms with not having any free time which is no different to most mums' lives.
ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/11/2025 13:50

For heaven's sake, leave. These children have no choice but you do, so do the bloody right thing.

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 13:50

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

If he's working 84 hours a week and can't afford to either decrease those hours or pay more in CM, he should get a new job.
It's not his ex's fault that he has more children than he has the money or time to look after.
Do you think it's fairer if she just looks after them 24/7?

Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2025 13:50

What happened with the children when he separated from.his wife and before you were living with him?

You need to speak with your DH and rearrange the childcare or he has to alter his job.

millymollymoomoo · 01/11/2025 13:50

Not quite what you posted about but 2k a month cms is high ( even for 4). Is he a very high earner ? Is his business super successful ?

you are not being unreasonable in your feelings at all. I could not accept this

neverbeenskiing · 01/11/2025 13:51

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

Pretty massive drip feed there, OP.
If the mother is unfit to care for them and is neglecting their basic needs then why have you and your DH not contacted children's services?

Vinvertebrate · 01/11/2025 13:51

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

Well with those working hours, he’ll be brown bread soon enough, so I’d check out his life insurance…

How did you find time to even date this man?

Awobabobob · 01/11/2025 13:51

PigletIsWorried · 01/11/2025 13:42

But the reason you have the kids isn't to give the kid's mother time off or a break. It's nothing to do with her, really. It's to give the kids time and a relationship with their dad.

The unfairness in this situation isn't that the kids' mum is getting a break. It doesn't sound like your husband is actually doing the work of looking after his children. It shouldn't be your job to look after them and clean up after them. If he isn't willing to actually do that work then I don't blame you for wanting out of the marriage.

Agree with this. It’s not “She gets to rest and reset but I don’t”, it’s actually her kids spending time with their father and your child spending time with their father when they go there. “Resting” whilst not having the kids is a byproduct of the situation, not an entitlement.

That said, it’s unfair of your dp to expect you to do the grunt work whilst he works. That’s on him to sort, not you. Have you spoken to him about this?