To think my partner should be paying more

[Supermom24]

My partner works full time and I get less than a part time wage, he earns a decent wage!
we have a mortgage, 3 DC, 3 dogs, I do all the school runs, house chores, look after dc3 full time and the others when not at school. He pays the mortgage, and I pay everything else and I mean everything that comes with a house, kids and dogs that isn’t a mortgage. I’ve got nothing at the end of every month, every time I bring it up in conversation I get told that’s real life and that’s what comes with it. I’m not saying I don’t want to pay for anything but I have nothing left at the end of every month whilst he’s got at least double my wages to spend on himself. AIBU?

@Lennonjingles I’ve done this once before to just be told to “find a way to make money” but I’m going to try it again. It’s just made to be my fault I haven’t got much money left as I only work part time, not because I only work part time to look after the children and pay the bills!

You both have children and a dog, these aren’t things you purchased at a shop without his knowledge. They are your joint responsibility.

You either go back to work full time and split childcare, pet responsibilities and house admi. 50/50 or he does what any normal person in a relationship does and pools all of the money together for your family.

This is financial abuse and I suggest you look into it.

The reason it is abuse op is he has you trapped. Not doing his share of parenting or housework means you cannot earn very much. You can’t get a job which would be a career and thus financial independence. Not paying for his share means you cannot save. He must have thousands in the bank by now. Therefore you cannot get away from him, don’t even have the money to go out with friends who would have told you he was awful. You’re trapped under his control.

When children come along, there is 2 parents and an unpaid 24-7 job which needs doing between them. If one party does more of that then obviously the one who does paid work at the same time shares the money!

You know it’s not your fault op, you know it’s because he puts in £1k and has between £2k and £2.8k left over each month.
you have worked out he abuses you financially over the course of this thread, either he recognises that and steps up, or your next step is to realise he’s selfish, lazy and only looking out for himself and then the next step is to realise you and your children will be better off without him.

But, since you seem to want to keep giving him chance after chance, if he says ‘you need to find a way to make more money’ you say, ‘I have, I’m working Saturdays now, you’ll have the children.’

He isn't taking into account how much your unpaid labour saves in childcare fees, cleaning etc.

Your division isn't fair at all and the fact he's not open to discussing it is financial abuse.

If you must keep your finances separate then your unpaid labour needs to be factored in.

is this a second marriage? Children involved?
Unless there are other factors involved that you haven’t mentioned have you reflected upon why you don’t see yourself as a team? My husband earns about 5 times my salary but he always notes that he would never be in that position without me. He isn’t subsidising my life, we have a life together and we are partners in this. How do you even keep track? Like who pays when you go for dinner or do you split it in a spreadsheet?

Op, what about debts ?? Cos there is just no way that £800 covers all non mortage bills and things like presents, food shops, kids costs, dogs costs. Literally no way. I am not defending your partner at all, but there can surely be no way he covers just the mortage. The numbers don't add up - £1800 between you to cover all costs ??

As a household where we pool our income into one account, pay all bills and savings from there (including childcare costs) and then split the rest as equal spending money, I find these posts mind-blowing. So much effort expended in splitting bills when there is a very easy and fair solution.

Weekend or evening work for you. No childcare cost if he is in the house.
Get an account for yourself and save it for a moving out fund.
Who gets the child benefit @Supermom24 ?
Basic unbranded food for him, jacket potatoes, vegetable curry, no snacks.
Got any tv packages? Cut those off straight away!
If he protests, tell him you have to save for Christmas if the dc are to have anything at all.
Just out of interest, get yourself onto Entitled2 calculator and see what UC will top you up with child maintenance and child benefit.
You are not the first to have gradually slid into this situation. You are not trapped and you have the means and ability to work your way out of it.
Will he change? I doubt it. He is onto a terrific deal and he knows it.

Best of luck x

@Tree20 we haven’t long moved. Before we moved we had it topped up by UC, so I was getting more money. It’s only the past 2 months that money has stopped and I’m still expected to pay the same amount. If that makes any sense? hence I’m now saying I’m left with nothing and will be left with nothing

I know ltb gets thrown around a lot on here but how can you want to be with someone with so little respect and care for you? 🤯

he sounds horrible, how he can watch you suffer is telling of his character and not a role model I’d want my children exposed to

I suppose is just possible that if you're the one who does all the finances, he's just a financial idiot, so do that spreadsheet, figure out a fair proportional split and see how you go.

It's financial abuse, and he doesn't sound like a "partner" in any sense, never mind someone who's meant to care about you and the kids. It also sounds like you are probably massively dependent on him in terms of savings/pension provision (and possibly housing, though I'm still not fully clear on the situation there).
I have come to think over time that the ONLY really fair way to manage finances is putting it all together and then each partner getting equal "spending money" once everything else, including all child-related costs, is covered (and note, that also means each person should have the same amount to put in savings AND equal pension provision, ideally! - not the high earner having all the pension provision and the SAHM/part-timer being left with a pittance at retirement and dependent on the high earner, if they've not run off by then!). Similarly free time (genuinely free, not "doing childcare and pottering jobs round the house") should be equally split. Not always easy to achieve in practice, but I do think that should be the goal, or as close as possible, in a relationship.
Note - the proportionate-split stuff (e.g. each partner puts in 50% of what they earn, or even worse, each pays 50% of the bills even when salaries are very different) is NOT generally fair, as the one doing the majority of childcare/who's had maternity leaves will typically have reduced earning capacity due to that (not only because they may be working fewer hours, but also because they'll likely have missed out on promotion opportunities, the chance to prioritise their career and advance, etc), so will be left with a much smaller amount of "spending money" after putting in their 50%, as well as having much smaller pension etc, when it's not actually their fault they're earning so much less but is due to their contribution to the family in other ways. (The only exception IMO is if one partner freely chooses to work/earn less for their own reasons, rather than childcare, health issues etc., and they both agree to this sort of set-up - or if their salaries are actually pretty even so it works out equal anyway).
I really wish schools/parents would cover this sort of thing with kids more, and then maybe so many people - mainly women - wouldn't end up being shafted and financially abused!
Why on earth does this charmer think he shouldn't be paying a thing for HIS own kids, as well as HIS own food, bills etc?