To think my partner should be paying more

[Supermom24]

My partner works full time and I get less than a part time wage, he earns a decent wage!
we have a mortgage, 3 DC, 3 dogs, I do all the school runs, house chores, look after dc3 full time and the others when not at school. He pays the mortgage, and I pay everything else and I mean everything that comes with a house, kids and dogs that isn’t a mortgage. I’ve got nothing at the end of every month, every time I bring it up in conversation I get told that’s real life and that’s what comes with it. I’m not saying I don’t want to pay for anything but I have nothing left at the end of every month whilst he’s got at least double my wages to spend on himself. AIBU?

If the OP is paying more than proportionally to her income, she's subsidising him, not the other way round. He basically gets to have a family for free. He might not even have a smaller mortgage living alone!

Tell him he has two choices, rearrange finances so you both have equal personal spending money after all joint bills and savings paid or you go back to work full time and everything at home is split 50/50.

He's currently having his cake and eating it (loads of personal spending money, all the house and child needs taken care of) without him doing any of it or contributing to your free labour. That needs to stop.

If you are reading these op and thinking ‘oh I couldn’t say that’ or ‘he’ll go mad’ , then please understand that these are normal conversations in partnerships of two people who consider themselves equal. And the suggestions are simply fair and standard, not anything outrageous.

It does sound like they are 50/50 (ish). Her partner pays the mortgage of £1000, OP says she pays for everything else but only earns £800 a month. So by the figures OP has given he’s paying slightly more each month. They are just not left with equal amounts of personal spendings, which is why OP needs to have a chat about her working more to earn more money

In what way is Op subsidising him? She’s paying a share of the costs involved with life. He doesn’t get to have a family for free, he pays the £1000 mortgage to house that family

Let's give him a clap then. 👏

Well it all depends. I know people paying that just to house themselves. It's actually quite a small mortgage by the standards of some areas of the country and he has plenty left over after so he can clearly cover it comfortably.

If she is paying £800 towards costs with nothing left over, and he's paying £1,000 with £1,500 left over, how is she not subsidising the costs of his children?

You know with couples like this, it often ends up that he has a comfortable retirement while she is skint, due to wildly different pension contributions.

This is not a partnership; it is exploitation.

@Coconutter24- did you miss the op detailing that she does all the housework and childcare?

Have you actually put everything down on a spreadsheet or a bit of paper and he's read it, sorry if I've missed it.
(I know that he should know, and you shouldn't have to do it, but sometimes you need cold hard numbers in front of someone)

@iamoit because where we lived previously it was nothing like this, it’s since the cost of a mortgage is more than a rent he doesn’t seem to want to pay more!

I think you need to back to work full time, split household chores and childcare between both- if he disagrees maybe time to split

@TwinklyRoseTurtle this is the only way I can see making it fair! At least then I’ll have some money left over for myself and won’t be absolutely drained doing everything!

@Thundertoast i have done before now but I think I need to do it again! Like talking to a brick wall when it comes to finances though because like I’ve previously said; I just get told it’s real life I can’t expect to live for nothing 🙃 which is far from the truth I don’t want/ask for anything!

Stop doing everything

Seriously, tell him, kids need picking up from school, stop cooking, cleaning all of it. Just stop

Have you tried listing all of the expenses you jointly have and demonstrating that this set up is deeply inequitable? I’m very impressed that you can make £800 cover all the bills, food and multiple other expenses that life brings.

if he is spending say, 30% of his salary on those expenses and you are spending 100% of yours he must surely see how financially abusive that is?

I’d make a spreadsheet listing all the outgoings, with columns for your income and his income and what you each have left over after paying mortgage (him) and bills/everything else (you). Get it down to the last detail, so eg if each kid has a new coat at cost of £30 each year, that’s £90/12 =£7.50 a month cost for you.

Ask for a time to sit down and discuss finances when kids are in bed/at school. Go through this with him and tell him you are concerned that you have no savings in your name while he has plenty, you can’t afford to make decent pension provision for yourself, and you are providing childcare and “keeping the house going” services by working part time. You’d like a fairer division of financial contribution. This could come via him agreeing to contribute more to household finances, enabling you to provide for your future through savings/pension, or alternatively you could work more days, which will require him to do more of the drop-offs, pick-ups, sick days and school holiday childcare. One of these outcomes MUST occur and you’d like to discuss with him how you’d both like your family life to work and come to an agreement.

He can’t say no to both, and if he does, then you will know that he doesn’t care about you or your future and you can then evaluate your position accordingly.

Bottom line: if this relationship ends, he will be financially secure and you won’t. In that scenario you’d have to work more to provide for yourself, so if push comes to shove, that is what I’d do in your positions

List everything you spend each month and give it to him and ask him how he thinks you can live off this amount each month. Personally I would give him beans on toast for dinner a few times and say that’s all you can afford. My one dog alone costs £150 each month, just food and insurance.

I don't think I would be able to stay with someone who was so selfish. I know it's really easy to say but not so easy when it's your life.

I don’t really get why people don’t pool money when they have kids. I earn much more than my DH, I don’t expect him to have separate money with nothing left at the end of the month, it goes into one pot.

Just say you’re going back to work full time and he’ll need to pay and do half of everything. Here’s the list choose 50% of it.
wanker.

Being on the mortgage isn't the most important thing, it's being on the deeds. Are you? You could check with land registry.

He must be piling up savings while you have none. Tell him you will need to go back to work full time.

She's not married, she says partner

Maybe but there's a mortgage, kids and dogs involved.

If it was just bf/gf set up living separately then fair enough but its unfair when you are living as a family.
How is it fair when op has nothing left for herself and he has loads.

Over the years I have earned loads and dh has been either unemployed or just setting up his business. Now his business is very successful and established and is making more money than I ever will, I am about to go part time. However neither of us has let the other have no money. We have always had each other's back and not done either a split such as mortgage v every other bill or ( as ive seen in some couple) 'i paid for a meal out last time, you have to pay for it this time'

We both have access to the household money and have savings and pensions.
Sometimes there wasnt very much money but we both had access to not very much!! Lol 😆

Op your op sounds bloody awful telling you 'thats real life' when he has loads for himself.

Wow what a wanker.

You wouldn’t be on the mortgage unless you were a legal owner unless you were a guarantor or something. She means she co-owns the house.

I would want to know that OP had seen the documents herself