To think my partner should be paying more

[Supermom24]

My partner works full time and I get less than a part time wage, he earns a decent wage!
we have a mortgage, 3 DC, 3 dogs, I do all the school runs, house chores, look after dc3 full time and the others when not at school. He pays the mortgage, and I pay everything else and I mean everything that comes with a house, kids and dogs that isn’t a mortgage. I’ve got nothing at the end of every month, every time I bring it up in conversation I get told that’s real life and that’s what comes with it. I’m not saying I don’t want to pay for anything but I have nothing left at the end of every month whilst he’s got at least double my wages to spend on himself. AIBU?

This is financial abuse.

You’d be better off divorcing him

Edited to say looks like you’re not married…which is a shame as you’d have better financial protection

This
if he pays the entire mortgage then the house is his to keep at the end of the term, your money is disappearing on consumable things that don’t hold any value.

Ask him how it's actually ok that you have nothing and he has £1.5k every month.

Ask YOURSELF the same question

How you've put up with this, just shows how gaslit you've been by him.

He's a scumbag.

@Pizzajigsaw is this the case even with my name on the mortgage as a joint owner?

You are subsidizing his lifestyle. In other words he is stealing from you.

your working part-time to care for shared children is a real economic contribution to the family and counts just as much as his earned income. It impacts not just the actual money you bring in but your future earning potential

Since he has shown that he doesn’t value you as a partner, I would not trust him any longer. You need to work full time and he needs to take on his half of the child responsibilities. Then start splitting expenses proportional to income.

in reality, when people have children things should be pooled and you should share in the spoils or the droughts, but if that isn’t going to happen, the alternative is to look out for yourself and make sure you are capable of supporting yourself and your children.

No if you are on the mortgage as a joint owner then the house is half yours . Are you married ?

This isn't true at all. My friend is currently stuck paying her whole mortgage because her ex is refusing to contribute, but he will still get his half as legally he owns 50%.

So he’s paying around £1000 per month while you are paying around £800. I’d work out how much the costs are going to go up if you went full-time and how much more he’ll have to pay to split costs 50:50. I’d also set out that as you won’t be able to do everything, he’ll have to do 50% of parenting, housework, dog walking.

Or, you could work out joint expenses, pay proportionally, so you both have a bit of discretionary spend.

Honestly though, he sounds like a bit of a dick. You might be better off financially without him.

I earn significantly more than my DH, we both have exactly the same discretionary spend after bills and savings and we share the workload at home.

Where does the rest of his money go?

Oh god! Not another one.

You don’t give up some of your ability to work in favour of a partner you’re not married to in order to look after joint house and children.

You especially don’t let that partner keep the mortgage to himself - the investment - whilst you pay all the “money is then gone” bills!

Why should you feel "useless for not helping out" when you A) pay more proportionally than him and B) do far more of the housework and childcare?
He is the one who is useless and not helping out. He is not paying his fair share, proportional to income.

You have to stop giving in and doing what is "easier".
Have the conversation again, with the figures all worked out and evidenced. When he tries to brush it off or shut you down, don't give up. Insist that he has to explain himself. Insist that he listens to you.

Don't be afraid of it ending up in a screaming row. Be prepared to get emotional, cry, shout, get very, very angry.
You have to stand up to him.

If he refuses to engage, or leaves the house, you have your answer. He doesn't care for you or respect you.
If that happens, as others have said just stop buying anything for him. Buy the absolute minimum for you and the DC, and save as much money as you can.
Either he will see the error of his ways, or you will split up. The latter is probably the best option for you.

@NotEnoughKnittingTime your guess is as good as mine!

This is financial abuse. Why did you agree to have children (or a dog) with a man who won’t share money? We’ve always put all our money into the joint account. We discuss any big purchases, I wouldn’t discuss buying clothes (we have enough money that I don’t have to) but I would discuss bigger purchases.

I’d stop buying meat or fish, really cut back on food costs. Don’t buy kids clothes, turn down heating etc.

@MeridaBrave like I’ve said on previous posts it was nothing like this before we moved. Since the cost of a mortgage/living has gone up it’s got like this.

But did you agreed to have kids with him without sharing money. Having kids is a joint endeavour. It’s costing you every last penny you earn but it’s not costing him all he earns.

I bet you’ve raised marriage before and he’s one of those “it’s just a piece of paper” blokes isn’t he? But has refused to marry or kicked the can down the road?

Do you have children together? What happens if you separate?

I agree with the above. You need to be able to put some money aside like he does.
Do you pay into a pension or have any savings/investments?

That is shocking. It does sound like financial abuse.

@Terrytheweasel I’ve got a bit of savings but I’m going to start putting money aside!

@ColdTimeOfYear i was so oblivious to the fact this was even a thing but the more I’m reading other people’s views the more I realise it is!

@Needlenardlenoo he doesn’t even see that I pay for it all, he seems to think he does more than he actually does!

@beAsensible1 i think this is the best option, split everything 50/50 including the household chores and school runs etc!

@Thundertoast i have done once before but not in great detail so I think I’m going to sit down and actually write it all down!

ultimately, you can only vote with your feet and leave him. People like him won't change. You will be them entitled to maintenance, and probably quite a bit of UC top up as a low earner with 3 children. You'd probably much better off but it's a big step, I get that.

Have you had another chat with him?