To think my partner should be paying more

[Supermom24]

My partner works full time and I get less than a part time wage, he earns a decent wage!
we have a mortgage, 3 DC, 3 dogs, I do all the school runs, house chores, look after dc3 full time and the others when not at school. He pays the mortgage, and I pay everything else and I mean everything that comes with a house, kids and dogs that isn’t a mortgage. I’ve got nothing at the end of every month, every time I bring it up in conversation I get told that’s real life and that’s what comes with it. I’m not saying I don’t want to pay for anything but I have nothing left at the end of every month whilst he’s got at least double my wages to spend on himself. AIBU?

100% this.

I think he is safeguarding his assets. How did you buy the house? You can check online if joint tenants or tenants in common.

I assume he has a pension whereas yours will be limited? Look to the future is he likely to share his pension with you? Unlikely which means you will be working until 68 and managing on the state pension only.

What a selfish git!

You refer to him as your partner yet you have 3 children and work pt, why would you agree to this setup unmarried? Your money should be pooled and he should be topping up your pension if your reason for working only pt is to look after your children. No one should be paying anything, money should go into a shared account where all bills etc are paid, if you still wanted to have your own money you both have a separate account where you each have the same amount deposited each month that you can spend/save as you wish.

@Mulledjuice @Glowingup i filled all the documents out myself so know 100% :)

None of this makes sense unless he somehow sees the children as only your financial responsibility. Does he?

Well you're living with someone who doesn't appear to value you.

What do you want to do about it?

@Supermom24 love that he says ‘this is real life and I cant pay for everything’ - that should be YOUR line to him!
As a pp said, buy nothing for him. After all, you can’t pay for everything!

I put that you’re being unreasonable because you are being totally unreasonable to yourself and your children by allowing this arrangement to continue.

You are using all your money on stuff that is used up or eaten. He is using his money to pay for an asset that he owns (unless you are joint owners of the house on the deeds?).

Unless you are named as an owner on the deeds, you and your kids are paying towards an asset you’ll never own. I would change the arrangements as soon as possible.

No one said anything remotely like that did they

No I didn’t miss that part, hence why in one of my comments I suggested a conversation with her partner

Don’t pay for it. Tell him you can’t. What is the worst that will happen? If you shop for the household, don’t buy luxuries for him (beer, snacks etc) and tell him why.

Why do you accept that ? Tell him to pay more

Go back to work and split the childcare costs and chores and start building your savings and your career. You sacrificing yourself for a inconsiderate partner and still working part-time ffs

Sit down with sheet of paper and write down every single expenditure from last month.
Id also include savings for things like school clothes, shoes, birthday and Xmas presents

If you like spreadsheet try https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Show dp this and ask him how its fair.

But that’s just ludicrous. He may as well just disown one of his children because cost of living and now it’s too expensive for all of them, he doesn’t just get to opt out of paying because prices have gone up and he doesn’t like it. He’s the one that needs a wake up call to real life. What a dick.

Surely everything else cost more than the mortgage. Why not suggest you will pay the mortgage and he can pay for everything else for a while so he can see how much that everything else costs. Also make him do half childcare and cleaning or paying for another person to pick up his slack. I couldn't live with a pig like this.

Well when you have the conversation about halving the shit work because you need to up your hours. You can parrot that back at him repeatedly.

If he objects, then you'll know he's using you to not only buy a house, but to save quite a lot of money and that means selling the house, splitting whatever money is available from that and going your seperate ways.

At the same time he can't expect to live free of household and parenting duties!

How does he justify you doing everything? It's not like he's even paying you or compensating you in any way.

'm so angry on your behalf, he's abusive and taking advantage of you.

I don't know how the person who's meant to love you the most can leave you struggling financially and physically like that. You'd be better off without him.

So with your £800 you pay for groceries and toiletries for 5 people and pets?

As well as car insurance, petrol, clothes, gas, electric, water, council tax etc?

That’s insane and I’m surprised your wage even stretches that far for 5 of you.

Get a joint account and both put 70% of your wages into it.
Pay ALL bills and shared expenses (including children and pets) out of the shared account.

We have and always will split 50 50 and my partner earns 4 x what i earn.

How does that even work? You go out to eat, he orders caviar, you get a glass of water? He stays in a 5 star hotel while you can only afford a hostel when you go on holiday?

But as for OP, add all your family expenses together. Anything house, children and dog related is also family. Then share. He for some reason seems to think kids are your private hobby?

Kick him out. With UC and child maintenance you should be able to cover the mortgage and end up pretty much where you are now without his dead weight dragging you down.

Life is too short to spend it with a miserable fucker who wants to control you.

Just write it all down and work out a fair split.

I earn more than DH (around 50% more than his salary) and consequently I do actually pay more to the bills and mortgage. Food bills and purchases for the house (sofa for example) are the only thing we split 50/50.

You absolutely can be on the mortgage and not on the deeds as I was for many years. The house was in DH's name when we met and we then took out a new mortgage together but didn't update the deeds. 40 years later we have finally done this although the mortgage has been paid off for some time now. So unless the rules have changed this is a possibility.

I don't mean this with disrespect at all, OP, but why why why have you let yourself get into this situation? If money is not 100% pooled (or near as) then you cannot let yourself go part time, earn less, do all the kids' stuff. You are sacrificing yourself and your financial security for him, especially as you are not married. You have to ditch all that NOW, go back to full time work, and if he is insistent on not paying more then you have to try to match his salary if possible as soon as you can, and he has to pay half of all childcare etc.

Spreadsheet the fuck out of it to show exactly how it stacks up then make a proposal for a more equitable split.

If he disagrees, go on strike.

Honestly, I know we all have different types of relationships but surely a partnership means being equal and sharing, so you each have the same amount of 'fun' money, similar pensions, savings etc. As long as you're both 'working' the same hours (and in that I include cleaning the home, child care, the school runs) then you both have the same time off and the same access to money. If one is sitting around doing nothing then that's another matter but I've never come across that in a partnership. It doesn't matter if one earns much more - I bet they're not necessarily working 'harder' for that money.