To think my partner should be paying more

[Supermom24]

My partner works full time and I get less than a part time wage, he earns a decent wage!
we have a mortgage, 3 DC, 3 dogs, I do all the school runs, house chores, look after dc3 full time and the others when not at school. He pays the mortgage, and I pay everything else and I mean everything that comes with a house, kids and dogs that isn’t a mortgage. I’ve got nothing at the end of every month, every time I bring it up in conversation I get told that’s real life and that’s what comes with it. I’m not saying I don’t want to pay for anything but I have nothing left at the end of every month whilst he’s got at least double my wages to spend on himself. AIBU?

How much would it cost to use paid childcare and a cook, cleaner, and laundry service to allow you to work full time like he does? That’s the current market value of the work you do.

”Help out” ffs, it makes me so cross when people not doing that job sneer at it and say the people who are doing it aren’t working! (Not you OP but the fact that you’ve been made to feel that way!) Most work that falls into this category is done by women and that’s why it’s so devalued.

But in your case this is still grossly unfair and I would look at the legal setup for your home. Is he paying the mortgage to prevent you having any sort of claim on it if you split? I really think he is an abusive bastard, he certainly doesn’t have your interests at heart.

@ThejoyofNC because when I’ve brought it up I’ve always felt like I am being unreasonable and expecting to live for nothing so I’ve just carried on and paid my way

OMG every mother and every school should be teaching people that heterosexual marriage is a contract designed to offer some financial protection to the person, almost always the female, who takes the financial/work hit when having kids.

This does sound like financial abuse. You do not have any rights as a “common law wife” as it used to be called. At least tell us that he has life insurance that pays to you to pay off the mortgage and hopefully give some extra if he should die.

@WearyCat it’d cost a lot! Plus a dog walker, and after school clubs etc!
but if I was working full time I’d probably be paying for that too so it’s not even worth me doing :(
I’d never actually thought of it like that, I think that’s a good point I need to start looking into is that the reason he’s paying the mortgage.

I would do what @Meadowfinch has suggested. That way you can also build up some savings.

Did you set up as tenants in common or joint tenants when you took on the house? Do you have any kind of deed of trust in place?

@Devonmaid1844 joint tenants!

Tell him he needs to take over some of the childcare so you can increase your hours to cover the bills.

I never understand this - I earn loads more than DH so if we did this I guess I'd have a load more savings but I'd have to live in a house he can afford half of and never go on a really expensive holiday and so on. Also I love him and am happy to share. Does he have children from a previous relationship? I suppose I could see it more in that case as I'd be wanting to protect my DS' inheritance.

Then no matter who pays the mortgage you're both building equity... He still needs to pay his share and you should have equal amounts of money for things!

How were your outgoings previously split?

He doesn't sound like he sees your relationship as a partnership. People have very different attitudes and expectations when it comes to money within a relationship, and there are lots of ways of managing it.

I think both people should feel happy with the arrangement, and with how domestic work is split, and it should feel broadly fair. This doesn't feel fair to you.

I am surprised that he is happy for you to be struggling and having no money when he has so much. Does he see your part-time work as a decision you made, and therefore you're just living with the choice you made?

It may be that this is an arrangement which really suits him, and he just doesn't care that it isn't working for you. Or it may be that he hasn't joined up the dots.

Oh dear the old he’d have to pay a housekeeper, cooker, blah blah. No he wouldn’t

however, current set up is not fair. he needs to pay much more in proportion to take home incomes. If he won’t or even discuss it, tell him you want to split as you can’t continue like this. Or that you will return to work ft and he’ll have to pick up 50% of drop etc etc

akso op, is he paying into a pension ? If you were to split you’d not get entitled to that at all but yours will be low if pt ( if you have one at all)

you really need to consider your whole relationship

How on earth have you got into this position this is insane, 3 children and he’s not paying his way? Honestly OP you may as well face facts you’ve got a bad man on your hands and this relationship is not going to work, it’s far beyond “sitting down and having a chat”. I’d be planning myself out of this one which won’t be easy but you’re being taken for a ride.

this is financial abuse. I would not be with him. He will have to pay maintenance for the DC and you will get UC too.

How old are the DC, how many hours do you work. £800 suggests very few hours. Can you increase that?

Also, in whose name is the house/mortgage seeing that you are not married. Please don't tell us it's only his house.

I’m glad you posted op, so have learnt that none of this is remotely acceptable.
aside from the financial abuse, it says a lot about what he feels about you, he knows you’re exhausted and have no money, and yet is happy to sit there with his thousands of pounds.

do you think it’s just because he’s thick? If he is, then maybe when he says ‘thats real life’ say ‘well how much do you have left as we should have equal disposable income after bills are paid’

or, do you want to leave the relationship? You’d be happier it sounds like, and it’s not like he’s bringing anything to this. You’d get child maintenance which would be there or thereabouts that mortgage payment.

Is the house/mortgage in joint names? If not, run for the hills.

all the money should be pooled together, so the £1500 he has leftover shouldn’t be his money its the household money, i never understood partners that split their money, you are PARTNERS, meaning everything is equal, if its not equal than he isn’t your partner he is just someone who lives with you and takes advantage xx

I would start by having a conversation about childcare and school runs etc because your going to be upping your hours to earn more money because you can’t continue to struggle each month

Are you working at the moment?

What does he say if you point out you have much less money as you’re not able to work full time? Suggest working full time and using childcare and splitting all households tasks evenly.

Regardless though you need to make a plan to leave.l him, he sounds nasty at best.

Have you got children?

It doesn’t sound like they’re 50/50 at all - he pays the mortgage, and she pays for everything else.

Why should she be solely responsible for their three children and other joint household expenses?

Are you names on the title deeds for the mortgaged property? If not, then this is definitely financial abuse. You’d be better off leaving him, claiming CMS and UC to cover rent on another property, which you would be able to do on your salary.

Once the essentials are paid uou agree between you how much to save and then split the rest in half

of course he is wrong

if you left him with the kids, you could get a better job and have more money and he would be stuffed

Put it all in a spreadsheet - every penny in and out. There are some websites that will help: I often see "You Need a Budget" recommended on here.

Note hours of work too (including the unpaid work).

Sit down and speak to your partner about it. Make him justify why he thinks he should be subsidised by the lower earner, both in time and money.

How's he feel about the dog? Can you hand over all dog costs, at least, and make him pay for an online grocery shop each week?

The spreadsheet will come in useful when you split, which you will have to, as why would you want to stay with someone so selfish?

Work on your own earning power too.

I would be sharing out the housework and kid related stuff fairly and making the point that having to cook and clean is real life and you can’t do it all. Use this fairer division of labour to up your work hours and build your own financial independence. I personally don’t think a higher earner should subsidise a lower earner to a great extent but I also believe that grown men should look after themselves.