To feel hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items than she would buy for herself

[paintbynumberss]

My mum has behaved in some hurtful ways in the past so I'm unsure if my judgement is being clouded by past experiences of her.

I had £1.21 in my bank account today (pay day is tomorrow) and no food in the house so my mum kindly brought around a small bag of basics - chicken, bread, salad, juice etc - to tide me over until tomorrow. My mum is fairly well off (as in she has a couple of holidays each year, she drives a high end car bought nearly new, owns a good sized house in the countryside with no mortgage) but isn't ostentatiously so.

The juice she bought for me was Asda's own brand. I'm perfectly happy with own brand, it's what I buy for myself. It tastes the same to me, and I'm single and living alone on quite a low income. I don't see the point of spending more than you have to on juice. However my mum would not buy own brand juice for herself - she buys Copella or Innocent, depending on what's on offer. She is comfortable shopping at M&S for her food shop also, whereas apart from a few items here and there, M&S is out of my budget.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items that she wouldn't buy for herself? I would understand if she couldn't afford to buy two people branded juice but I know she can afford it. As I say, my point isn't branded vs own brand per say but that I feel hurt that she would buy her daughter cheaper items than she would buy for herself. I experience it as an insinuation that I'm not as worthy of the quality that she is. I don't have children yet but when I do I'd want to give them the best that I could. AIBU?

In the past 4 years my cousin has needed a tide-over about 10 times. I ask her what she needs, and she asks for just a few items to get her through the next 24 hours.

It's actually quite hard. I spend about £20 on what she's asked for, but it never looks like much. So I add some "saver" storecupboard items, which I would never buy for myself, but think would be useful for her to have in reserve. And then it looks joyless. So I add a bar of her favourite chocolate, and a couple of bananas. And then I add a four-pack of toilet rolls, because you can't go wrong with having a spare pack of toilet rolls.

But I'm always torn between buying more cheaper items or fewer items, but stuff I'd buy myself.

She's always grateful, but I always end up feeling that I haven't given her enough but that I've spent far too much! It's really not that simple!

Your pay day is today, but she bought you enough food/ drinks to tide you over until next week - I'd see that as generous.
Is there really so little in your house that you couldn't last for another 12 hours? No food in the freezer? No tins of tuna or beans?
I've been down to the bones of my arse the day before payday, but not enough to need someone else to buy me food for the sake of a few hours.

If I was buying someone food I'd buy them their usual brands. You sound ungrateful and snobby.

YABU.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Your mum has helped you out as an adult, and you're upset she hasn't emptied out her wallet more?

I'd be more fixated on why you're even in this position as an autonomous adult.

I think this is a fair enough attitude, and you’re being honest about it. OP is wondering whether this is the attitude her mum is taking and feeling a bit hurt if so. Big difference - IMO - between a BIL and one’s own child. I can see OP’s point too, and there’s obviously a back story.

YABU
There are people posting on MN every day about how they are struggling and their well-off parents don't help at all
Your mum loves you, cares for you, and thinks about you enough to notice and buy the things you buy for yourself

This is what I don't get... juice isn't an immediate necessity 🤨 just a nice to have.

Waiting for OP to come back...

And to PP who commented the mother shouldn't be going on holiday if her daughter is so poor... does the daughter bear no responsibility here? To improve her own situation?
The mother can spend her money on what she likes... including brand name juice, and holidays.

God MN is weird sometimes. If one of my kids was in your position, I'd have bought them the nice juice that I drink myself, not gone round with ASDA value on the grounds that 'beggars can't be choosers' when the 'beggar' in question is my own child.

Well, if she had bought you the same items, but from M&S, you might have thought about how she could have got you so much more by shopping at Aldi and purchasing own brands. She can’t really win if you are into looking gift horses in the mouth, can she?

Own brand = money can stretch further. Yabu.

I often send over the basics to my DS when he is nearly out of money (he has a learning condition and finds it very difficult to budget).
I buy cheaper brands so I get more for my money and will add a bar of chocolate. I hope he isn’t judging me.

Would you have seen her turning up with "posher" stuff her rubbing your nose in it though? Ie Ive got more money than you.

Or maybe Asda was more practical for her? If I was helping someone with some shopping I would probably go to the most practical place even if that wasnt where I normally shopped.

Or maybe she assumed you like that food and went out of her way to get it?

Eta when I used to buy food for food banks, I would get own brand 99% of the time. This is simply because I wanted to get as much as I could. One £4 box of branded Weetabix vs 6 boxes of own brand. I wouldnt have necessary have bought the own brand for myself but I figured 6 families getting breakfast is better than 1. Maybe she said "I've said I'll get her tea this evening so that's £20. Or if I go to Asda I can get her a lot more for that £20 which seems like a better idea".

But that isn’t what happened. The OP’s mother didn’t give her Asda juice on the grounds that beggars can’t be choosers.

She gave it to her because the OP prefers it.

If the mother didn’t like juice at all and she drank only water or almond milk, should she have given her dd water or almond milk because ‘that’s what I drink myself’?

So many nasty and unpleasant posts on here. Reveals the truth about most of the spiteful women on MN.

I didn't get the sense OP prefers it: she usually buys it because that's what she can afford!

God, the mother can’t on holiday because her daughter is broke one week . But who knows how said daughter spends her income and on what?

I experience it as an insinuation that I'm not as worthy of the quality that she is.

I refuse to believe that people like this are real.

To be clear: I'd buy my kids the nice juice.If for whatever reason I'd got them a less good brand in this situation, I wouldn't expect them to moan, but all this 'beggars can't be choosers' stuff seems so wrong as the expression of the right way for a mother to think about a child who's skint.

Why on earth would the OP come back to answer so many snarky self-indulgent remarks.

Which ones, the ones encouraging OP to think her mum may be doing it from good motives or the ones encouraging OP in assuming the worst?

Which ones? I looked at page 1 and 2 - virtually all of them. A nasty little pile on. Good motives my arse.

I suspect there is a good reason why you noticed this and this isn't the first time something like that happened. Suspect there is a history of you being treated as lesser.

I'm speaking from experience. My mother would swap out the only Christmas treat I care about for a cheaper version to save £1, but continue to buy the real stuff of the things she likes. She also used to buy 5 times as much (not an exaggeration) of the stuff she and the rest of the family liked. The treat I liked was still shared amongst everyone. It stung because of the message it sent.

Yes but that could also be misconstrued as hey look at you buying M&S or Waitrose branded stuff for me when you know all I can afford is basics brands, why are you rubbing my nose in it?

I would say it’s down to the baggage you have from the history with your mum.

Maybe your mum also didn’t want you to think your not budgeting adequately would lead to having to buy you top branded top ups each month. The fact you could even let your mum know you were struggling is at least a positive in your relationship.

That’s a tediously inane comparison but you know what I think parents who spend huge sums of money on holidays and flash cars whilst their DC live in poverty are pretty unpleasant. Much like the women wearing £200 trainers and £150 nail sets whilst their DC eat plain pasta for dinner every night.

Wanting to do nice things for your DC is not making a martyr of yourself (not that the OPs mother is making any sort of sacrifice at all in this instance) it’s caring for the people that you love.

I think you are being unreasonable. Your mother obviously whizzed around the shop to buy you some basics to tide you over, I doubt she thought about it too much. It was nice of her.

You should be grateful Shes helped out. Maybe she didn’t want to rub it in by buying more expensive brands.