To feel hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items than she would buy for herself

[paintbynumberss]

My mum has behaved in some hurtful ways in the past so I'm unsure if my judgement is being clouded by past experiences of her.

I had £1.21 in my bank account today (pay day is tomorrow) and no food in the house so my mum kindly brought around a small bag of basics - chicken, bread, salad, juice etc - to tide me over until tomorrow. My mum is fairly well off (as in she has a couple of holidays each year, she drives a high end car bought nearly new, owns a good sized house in the countryside with no mortgage) but isn't ostentatiously so.

The juice she bought for me was Asda's own brand. I'm perfectly happy with own brand, it's what I buy for myself. It tastes the same to me, and I'm single and living alone on quite a low income. I don't see the point of spending more than you have to on juice. However my mum would not buy own brand juice for herself - she buys Copella or Innocent, depending on what's on offer. She is comfortable shopping at M&S for her food shop also, whereas apart from a few items here and there, M&S is out of my budget.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items that she wouldn't buy for herself? I would understand if she couldn't afford to buy two people branded juice but I know she can afford it. As I say, my point isn't branded vs own brand per say but that I feel hurt that she would buy her daughter cheaper items than she would buy for herself. I experience it as an insinuation that I'm not as worthy of the quality that she is. I don't have children yet but when I do I'd want to give them the best that I could. AIBU?

Beggars can’t be choosers.

M&S food is not the best, by any means.

If you look up various comparisons Aldi often comes out tops or other brands much cheaper than M&S.

Yeah, I’m afraid I’d do exactly the same as your mum here. I’d buy you the basics and take the view that if you want Innocent juice then you need to earn the money to pay for it yourself. Although given that you said she’d been hurtful in the past we don’t have the full story. But on its own, YABU to expect luxuries when you don’t have enough money to buy food.

Come off it.

But can’t you see that if the mother bought her the good juice there would be a message behind that too?

That this juice is the better juice, the one you should buy…here try it. Buying the cheap juice simply because you like it better is wrong and this juice is right.

Plus all orange juice is bad for you - it is basically sugar

wow. Your poor mum can’t to right for doing wrong.

Your poor mother - she can’t do right for doing wrong! You sound impossible.

By the sound of it, its not a one off you running to the bank of mum. Does she do this for you every month (presuming you get paid monthly)? Does she know you normally shop in Asda? Is it a supermarket close to you and would she have to go out of the way to go to M&S to get you in some shopping.

I would be grateful rather than come across entitled

Jinx @purpleygrey - it’s exactly the phrase that comes to mind.

I shop in Waitrose for myself and husband.

If I was helping my daughter out with shopping to tide her over until payday (she has her own flat) I would definitely just pop into Waitrose for a few items for her. Not go to Tesco where I know she tends to shop.

I can understand you feeling upset @paintbynumberss I would feel happy inside to be helping my daughter but also to be treating her a bit because (in my opinion) there are nicer options in Waitrose hence it is more expensive.

Why are you in this position and is this the first time your mum has done this? I can’t really answer without the context.

I’m afraid I do think people on a low income are treated as less worthy. For example, people often donate unbranded food to food banks rather than the more expensive items that they’d buy for themselves. I have a friend who comes from old money. She is nice but very tight materially and never gives gifts. Even when we were students, her less affluent guests would lavish quite expensive gifts on her, assuming probably that they had to go the extra distance to impress her due to her wealth. She never reciprocated! It’s not a mistake on her part, more a snapshot of deference to wealth in our society.

You sound ungrateful

I would be thankful to have a parent still looking out for me in adulthood, and grateful for their assistance wherever it was from. It was to tide you over, not a gift.

OP you can't generalise from this one event....does she have a pattern of doing similar?

We can only feel hurt if we make that choice.

Other peoples actions are to do with them & sometime we cannot control.

Choose not to feel hurt instead.

I'm 42 and still living on 'cheap ass' food from Aldi.

I even (shock horror) feed this 'cheap-ass' food to my guests, apparently I must be a reasonable cook because people always go for seconds if there are any and no-one has ever turned down an invite for a meal at mine!

My parent shops in Booths/Waitrose but doesn't have the skill to make basic ingredients taste nice so they are buying a lot of processed foods as it is all 'bung in the oven and serve' stuff. It is definitely a matter of convenience for them rather than 'oh, I just love Booths/Waitrose etc'

Orange juice is orange juice (you take a load of oranges and squeeze the bejesus out of them) they either get put in a basic carton or a pretty carton and get sold for more money 🤷‍♀️

If an adult child of mine had the audacity to complain about 'emergency' food I went out of my way to buy them, on here or anywhere else, they would be starving until their next pay day and I am sure they would learn appreciation for the 'cheap-ass' food that had previously been provided.

Lots of people are going to be losing their jobs soon. Watch all these same people acting high and mighty and as though someone struggling to make ends meet is a “beggar” and just incompetent suddenly change their tune when it happens to them.

and op, I would imagine your mother probably regularly does shit and that this is the tip of the iceberg. And actually frankly, if my children I brought into this world don’t have the money for food I’m not going to be swanning off on fucking holidays. I’m going to be making sure they’re ok first because I chose that role when I decided to have them. People are nasty to their adult kids.

Yes. I understand this too, OP. As a mum, I would buy the better stuff for my grown children. It’s an instinct.

All adults in the world are by definition “adult kids”.
Most people stop acting like actual children and stand on their own two feet though.

Yes this.

Whenever I have wanted to help my adult DCs out with shopping or toiletries, they always tell me to get the supermarket brands they're used to, they feel guilty otherwise.

Of course I want to treat them but at the same time I don't want them feeling uncomfortable.

They are always very grateful whatever I buy them.

Op do you feel grateful to your mother? She's done a kindness there, even going shopping for the items and bringing them to you, yes you're complaining about the brand of juice.

Tbh juice isn't even an essential for one day.

What a brat you are shes probably fed up bailing you out, get yourself a better job budget better and stop moaning

I wouldn’t be hurt that my mum brought round those cheaper brand food items, no not at all. I’d be delighted,… how kind. I would be happy that she purchased my normal brand that I was happy with.
But then when I was in financial difficulty as a student, I never let my parents have to worry about it in the first place.
To this day, I rarely buy juice because I consider it a luxury. We eat fruit from lidl and drink water from the tap. It’s cheaper.

You don’t say how old you are OP but would it be better to use that negative energy to look for ways to improve your financial situation so that you can be fully independent. Is that possible?

My husband already did loose his job. Really suddenly.

I didn’t ask my mam for juice and complain because although it was the one I preferred and bought usually for myself, it wasn’t the kind she liked though.