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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be brokenhearted by my daughter’s behaviour?

177 replies

OneAvidRubyLeader · 30/10/2025 19:39

My DD, 1st year of uni, stole some money from me (£150). She needed it to pay back a friend and she doesn’t work because of high contact hours at uni.

I just realised today that it was gone but she took it a couple of months ago. We give her money to live on but she also had a good few hundred pounds given to her for starting uni which she could’ve used to replace it and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. She was the only one who knew it was there but I still didn’t suspect it would be her, I genuinely thought someone else must’ve taken it but I mentioned it to her and she denied it to my face but then eventually came clean and said she was always going to pay it back (then why didn’t she?)

I genuinely thought we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I would’ve given her the money if she asked. She has generally been a dream to bring up, a happy, kind, hardworking girl with lots of friends. I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her. She has been brought up to know how wrong stealing is.

I just don’t know how to get over this. She knows I’m struggling with an empty nest, my mother’s dementia and my own health. How do I handle this? What is wrong with her? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
CusionFort · 30/10/2025 19:42

This is really disappointing, but I think the important thing is that she has told you. Time has passed and she kind of got away with it, but chose to do the right thing. I think you probably need an affordable repayment plan, and also a talk about coming to you if there's something she's worried about.

gamerchick · 30/10/2025 19:43

I'm sorry OP,it's gut wrenching when your child steals from you.

Do you know what the money was for? She hasn't fallen into the drugs thing has she?

Hoppinggreen · 30/10/2025 19:43

If its out of character I would be a bit worried about why she would be so desperate to pay back this friend.

Lucycantdance · 30/10/2025 19:45

Not overreacting. I would be devastated by this. Especially not paying it back.

BestieNo1 · 30/10/2025 19:48

No one is perfect and she’s lapsed, meant to pay it back then forgot. I think she needs to pay it back asap and lesson learnt. Honestly then you can move on xxx

Ooogle · 30/10/2025 19:49

She’s made a mistake and owned up to it. Does she seem genuinely sorry and remorseful?

i would encourage her to get a job. Unless her uni hours are 50 hours a week or something, earning her own money at the weekends or in holidays would be helpful for her. My uni hours were 9-4 Monday to Friday and I worked in the evenings 5-7 for one year and then 10 hours on a Saturday for the other 2 years as well as more in holidays.

if she seems genuinely sorry and is saving up to pay you back then I would forgive her. You have a lot on her plate but I wouldn’t pile that all on her. You say she’s usually a good trustworthy and hardworking girl so hopefully this is just a one off lapse in judgement that won’t happen again

Original poster
OneAvidRubyLeader · 30/10/2025 19:50

No drugs or anything concerning, she just borrowed money from the friend to pay for part of a holiday over the summer. She then didn’t have the means to pay it back (whilst telling us she did from her savings).

OP posts:
MID50s · 30/10/2025 19:55

Ooogle · 30/10/2025 19:49

She’s made a mistake and owned up to it. Does she seem genuinely sorry and remorseful?

i would encourage her to get a job. Unless her uni hours are 50 hours a week or something, earning her own money at the weekends or in holidays would be helpful for her. My uni hours were 9-4 Monday to Friday and I worked in the evenings 5-7 for one year and then 10 hours on a Saturday for the other 2 years as well as more in holidays.

if she seems genuinely sorry and is saving up to pay you back then I would forgive her. You have a lot on her plate but I wouldn’t pile that all on her. You say she’s usually a good trustworthy and hardworking girl so hopefully this is just a one off lapse in judgement that won’t happen again

Sometimes getting a job with flexible hours Is hard. My DD is doing an engineering degree and if she wants to come home for thd holidays there’s not many jobs out there that let you do this as well as having flexible hours as her timetable varies

Smartiepants79 · 30/10/2025 20:01

She’s made a foolish mistake and then attempted to not disappoint you by pretending it hadn’t happened. She’s dug herself into a hole and not known how to get out. Maybe she knew you’re struggling and was trying to avoid adding to it. It’s the kind of stupid thing I could have done when I was 18.
I would have her pay it back and then move on.
I’m sure she’s very aware of how disappointed you are.

TessSaysYes · 30/10/2025 20:02

I wouldn't over react... You haven't failed as a mother, and she hasn't failed as a young person. I just wouldn't be floored over it, on the other hand she is indeed very naughty, and certainly tell her that directly. Ask her to pay you back too, though if she's a student that could be tricky.

TheOccupier · 30/10/2025 20:03

This all sounds a bit odd. Are you sure she still has her savings? I don't think you've had the full story yet.

arcticpandas · 30/10/2025 20:06

OneAvidRubyLeader · 30/10/2025 19:50

No drugs or anything concerning, she just borrowed money from the friend to pay for part of a holiday over the summer. She then didn’t have the means to pay it back (whilst telling us she did from her savings).

One incident OP! One! Ofcourse it was a shitty thing to do but it doesn't mean you failed as a mum! Put this into perspective. I think you have too much stress in your life so you tend to put more importance to this than what you should. Just tell her to reimburse you (for the principle) and then move on.

summitfever · 30/10/2025 20:06

Think heartbroken is a bit extreme op, she’s a human, and still maturing and probably under pressure to keep up with the Jones’s at uni. She admitted it, sure she’ll pay it back, draw a line and move on. If my worst decision was to take some cash I thought I could pay back then couldn’t, I’d be in a far better position than I am now! She probably didn’t even feel it was theft more borrowing without you knowing, I’d be asking why she couldn’t ask

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 20:12

She stole from her mother. Denied that she'd done it. Only owned up when pressed about it.
Im amazed at the number of pp who are minimising this.
Stealing is wrong. And what she did is a huge betrayal of her mother.
I'm not surprised OP is devastated by this.
If my child did this I would feel I no longer knew who he was. I would still love him because he is my son but my respect for him would be hugely dented and our relationship would be altered.

Mischance · 30/10/2025 20:15

She had plenty of time to tell you and did not until she was basically cornered.

Her intention to pay it back seems a bit dubious after all this time. But on the other hand, how did she think she might get away with it if she was the only other person who knew of its existence and where it was?

If you have had a good relationship up to now and this actrikon is out of character I would be asking myself what was so pressing that she had to act in this way and jeopardise your relationship. It must have beens oenmthing very important.

She says it was regarding a holiday. If that were the case, why did she not come to you for a loan? - you have already told us that "I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her." It would have made sense to have come to you. There is no reason for her to borrow elsewhere.

I would seriously be asking whether the holiday story is true. Sorry.

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/10/2025 20:16

I think you're being dramatic here (brokenhearted? Give me a break). No need to make it into a huge betrayal that undermines everything you thought you could rely on about your relationship. It's a young adult being impulsive. It's not personal.

She has to pay it back ASAP. She has some consequences. But if you value your relationship at all, don't bang on about how heartbroken you are, and how you have no idea how to get over this. Don't talk the whole thing to death.

Original poster
OneAvidRubyLeader · 30/10/2025 20:34

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 20:12

She stole from her mother. Denied that she'd done it. Only owned up when pressed about it.
Im amazed at the number of pp who are minimising this.
Stealing is wrong. And what she did is a huge betrayal of her mother.
I'm not surprised OP is devastated by this.
If my child did this I would feel I no longer knew who he was. I would still love him because he is my son but my respect for him would be hugely dented and our relationship would be altered.

Edited

This is how I feel, I thought I knew who she was as a person but now I’m questioning everything. Is she just a spoiled brat who takes what she wants if she doesn’t have it? If she’d choose to steal rather than talk to me about needing the money is that a reflection of me being unapproachable (I don’t think I am)? Or have I given her the impression she can’t admit failure/flaws to me (spending beyond her means) or is she just plain dishonest?

OP posts:
solvendie · 30/10/2025 20:41

She’s made a terrible choice. She likely feels very guilty and shameful. If she has been the dream daughter until this then help her take responsibility. Tell her how devastated you are, give her the opportunity to make amends and help her learn from this.

Original poster
OneAvidRubyLeader · 30/10/2025 20:42

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/10/2025 20:16

I think you're being dramatic here (brokenhearted? Give me a break). No need to make it into a huge betrayal that undermines everything you thought you could rely on about your relationship. It's a young adult being impulsive. It's not personal.

She has to pay it back ASAP. She has some consequences. But if you value your relationship at all, don't bang on about how heartbroken you are, and how you have no idea how to get over this. Don't talk the whole thing to death.

I am heartbroken that I don’t know my daughter when I thought we were very close and that she didn’t feel she could come to me with something like this.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 30/10/2025 20:44

So many excuses and minimising the actions of a thief on here. Do you extend the same grace to other thieves or is it just female uni students who want to go on holiday?

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 30/10/2025 20:45

Has she paid you back now? I would be very upset as well.

Smartiepants79 · 30/10/2025 20:47

I feel like you are massively overreacting.
She’s made a huge mistake. Her first big mess up by the sounds of things. Do you have any other reason to show that she’s suddenly not the girl you thought she was.
Have you never made a very stupid choice and then not known how to fix it??
It is very unlikely that she is no longer the child you thought she was.

Original poster
OneAvidRubyLeader · 30/10/2025 20:50

Mischance · 30/10/2025 20:15

She had plenty of time to tell you and did not until she was basically cornered.

Her intention to pay it back seems a bit dubious after all this time. But on the other hand, how did she think she might get away with it if she was the only other person who knew of its existence and where it was?

If you have had a good relationship up to now and this actrikon is out of character I would be asking myself what was so pressing that she had to act in this way and jeopardise your relationship. It must have beens oenmthing very important.

She says it was regarding a holiday. If that were the case, why did she not come to you for a loan? - you have already told us that "I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her." It would have made sense to have come to you. There is no reason for her to borrow elsewhere.

I would seriously be asking whether the holiday story is true. Sorry.

Exactly, I would’ve given her the money. So why didn’t she think she could come to me? I don’t know if it’s maybe a problem she has with difficult conversations.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 30/10/2025 20:50

Glowingup · 30/10/2025 20:44

So many excuses and minimising the actions of a thief on here. Do you extend the same grace to other thieves or is it just female uni students who want to go on holiday?

To my own teenage child who has never done anything similarly stupid in her life?? Yes I would extend them some grace after I’d been very cross and disappointed. And made sure they’d paid it back. With interest.

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 20:51

Lots of MN posters are blasé about lying but I agree OP it's not what you expect from your loved ones. Hopefully she feels suitably ashamed that she won't do it again?