To be brokenhearted by my daughter’s behaviour?

[OneAvidRubyLeader]

My DD, 1st year of uni, stole some money from me (£150). She needed it to pay back a friend and she doesn’t work because of high contact hours at uni.

I just realised today that it was gone but she took it a couple of months ago. We give her money to live on but she also had a good few hundred pounds given to her for starting uni which she could’ve used to replace it and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. She was the only one who knew it was there but I still didn’t suspect it would be her, I genuinely thought someone else must’ve taken it but I mentioned it to her and she denied it to my face but then eventually came clean and said she was always going to pay it back (then why didn’t she?)

I genuinely thought we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I would’ve given her the money if she asked. She has generally been a dream to bring up, a happy, kind, hardworking girl with lots of friends. I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her. She has been brought up to know how wrong stealing is.

I just don’t know how to get over this. She knows I’m struggling with an empty nest, my mother’s dementia and my own health. How do I handle this? What is wrong with her? Am I overreacting?

when I was 16 my mum trusted me out in town with her bank card to get some money out. I took out £60 and spent it on myself. I confessed when I got home and I’ve felt absolutely burning shame since and I’m 41! I’ve never, ever done anything like that before or after, my mums disappointment will stay with me forever.
it’s a mistake. Chances are she won’t repeat it. Kids fuck up!

I know this is a shock but please don’t let it destroy your relationship with your daughter. We all make mistakes. Yes, tell her how devastated and hurt you feel, and say you need some space to recover but please forgive her and ont let it fester.

Was this cash you just had lying around the house ? Or did she manage to access some sort of account ?

I’ve never stollen anything and certainly not from my parents - Catholic guilt would’ve been far too much!! But yes I have of course made bad decisions and regretted them and it doesn’t make me a terrible person. She has had the chance to rectify her mistake (so that I wouldn’t have even known about it) but hasn’t which is perplexing me. I probably am overreacting because it’s so out of character and because I don’t know why she didn’t just ask me.

'space to recover'. So the silent treatment? You would do that to a uni student miles from home who is distressed? (assuming she is). No, you sort this out straight away.

And in the long term, help her find a way to earn money so that she can budget and pay her way.

Cash, a wee stash that I showed her because I was saving for a girly trip for us. The money would’ve been spent on her anyway - it just wasn’t hers to take.

I think you’re overreacting. I don’t think she stole the money in an evil manner designed to hurt you like this, more so it was probably an impulsive action with little thought to the consequences.

You say that you would have given her the money anyway, but for whatever reason she didn’t feel comfortable asking you? Have you asked yourself why not?

Maybe you’re not as close as you assumed and maybe she doesn’t agree with your perception of her life. She obviously was under some sort of pressure and didn’t feel she could approach you.

No she doesn’t have any savings - spent them all on the holiday. She should still have the around £300 family gave her to go to uni with which she could have used to replace my money before she left. It’s maybe been spent now but she said she has it to repay me.

No offence intended, but my parents gave me thousands when I started university so in comparison you gave much less with £300 - to me, that doesn’t suggest she was as privileged as you are trying to suggest?

(I was not privileged either - I worked full time throughout university and that was the only funding they gave me! However my parents recognised the different expenses/bills I had).

I think the first year of Uni can be tough, children starting ( and yes I know they are young adults ) come into contact with people who have far greater disposable income than them, make friends with those people and want to fit in/belong. If your DD had asked for the money for a holiday with her new friends would you have given it to her @OneAvidRubyLeader ?

I'd be asking myself WHY she couldn't come to you and ask. If you're so close

We didn’t give her the £300, it was from her grandparents who are living on a state pension. We didn’t give her cash. We are not wealthy but she was bought everything she could possibly need for uni, including lots of expensive dance shoes and uniform and including a full store cupboard. She took loans for tuition and maintenance and we make up the difference in her accommodation costs (halls so no bills). We pay her phone and all travel costs and she gets £50 per week. She doesn’t drink so literally only needs to buy her food. She is not the richest but far from being the poorest on her course.

'I given her everything her whole life'

She doesnt value you. She doesnt appreciate you. The fact she lied and then only came clean later is not a refection on you. It's about her lack of caring

How has she been? Has she shown any concerns for your feelings?

She's trying to keep up with her friends and struggling is what I get from all this. She panicked and did the wrong thing. It's bad but it's not the end of the world and saying you don't know her is ridiculous. One big mistake doesn't make you a different person, it means you made one big mistake.

You keep saying you don't know why she felt she couldn't ask you but why haven't you gently asked her. Much better to try and understand where all this has come from, I'd assume she's struggling with keeping up with friends and is embarrassed/ashamed about that. Be cross disappointed with her but after that go in gently and get to the bottom of this and pull the relationship back around.

If you'd give her any money she needs as you say does she actually know that? I wouldn't assume that she does, I'm not even convinced myself! You also need to talk about how she is going cope with money going forward - if she doesn't have any how is she going to pay you back? How is she going to have money to spend while on holiday? How is she going to manage the rest of the year when she is already in debt?

I really think she needs a job because we're only two month in to the uni year and she's already in debt.

She’s maybe still strapped for cash. Especially if she hasn’t got a job. Also I can see how she might look at the stash of money you showed her for your joint girls holiday and justify pinching it to pay back a friend. Not that it’s not a bad thing to have done.

she took it for a holiday? shes got no job but shes going on holiday which she had to steal for

@OneAvidRubyLeader You might want to revisit the drugs idea, or consider gambling. I know you dismissed it, but this is something that she would conceal perhaps due to shame.

That’s what I’m asking myself, I don’t understand it despite wracking my brain. We’re clearly not as close as I thought we were and I don’t know her like I thought I did. She’ll be home soon so we can chat.

£50 isn’t a lot to live on a week at uni OP! I appreciate you say she doesn’t drink etc but that still leaves her quite tight I think. Maybe she didn’t like to ask you for money as felt you wouldn’t be able to give it her? I mean that’s absolutely no excuse for stealing but maybe she’s just struggling a bit financially and in turn she didn’t want you to know as didn’t want put you under pressure.

£50 per week is tight. It means she has no funds to buy clothes or socialise or book holidays…so no surprise she borrowed money from someone.

To me, it seems like you’re out of touch with what other families do to support their university-attending students. I’m in my 20s and I think university is the first place where wealth disparities become truly apparent.

I genuinely don’t mean this in a horrible way, and I’m not saying what you have provided is not good enough…but I think your daughter’s experience sounds quite tight in comparison to other students she’s likely coming across. Even on here, you’ll see threads about parents giving their children a significant allowance.

I’m not saying this excuses theft, just that your perception is likely to be different to hers. And again, my solution was to get a job myself, so I’m not saying you need to give her more money. But I don’t think you’re accurately getting across how “spoiled” she is, it sounds quite tight.

No, she borrowed money from a friend on holiday in the summer but then couldn’t repay it.

It is understandable that you are devasted.

She did admit it, that is the good part of this though, it really is.

Sometimes stealing can be a sign something is wrong that she may not even be consciously aware of.

Or it can be a sign of an addiction.

Or trying to keep up with friends and not having the anywhere near the same amount of money.

She should have let you know about the friend’s loan. She sounds out of her depth.

Naughty?? She's a thief not a toddler.

My DD is an adult. She’ll also always be my child, and I’ll always be her mother. She’ll never stop being my child, no matter what she does, no matter how bad. And I mean no matter.
But that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences if she fucks me over.
I have a jar of cash in the house she can dip in whenever she wants for whatever she needs. I always keep it topped up, I might check every few months. It’s for the very rare take away, or if she needs money and I can’t answer the phone. Cab, cash, whatever, I don’t care what she uses it for, but, she needs to tell me. The deal is I’d never ask her to pay it back, but she MUST tell me she’s dipped into it. I don’t need to know what for, a simple: hey mum, I used the jar.
The other thing I gave her access to my phone and bank accounts. She has one credit card set aside, she knows the pin, that’s for: oh shit, I’ll deal with it later, I need money. Again, the same rule applies.

Now, absolutely everything I own goes to my DD. It’s hers. I don’t mind her having it all and me starting from zero. But I drilled into her she needs to tell me. And I told her time and time again, that I will always love her, no matter what she does, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces and never judge or punish her. But I will change the rules of the game, if she’s proven she’s not mature or trustworthy. Kids never stop act like kids, but if you do (act like one), I’ll treat you accordingly.

So what I would do if I were in your shoes. I’d get over myself about being heartbroken, it’s not about me, it’ll always be about my DD. And I’d think I’ve got some more work to do in teaching her a thing or two. And I’d make sure she bloody well listens. I’d start with ‘I’m your mother, forgiveness is implied. You do that to anyone else, there is no going back.’ And finish with ‘you’re putting the money back even if you have to eat cold baked beans’. She knows that’s not a punishment. She knows the punishment is me watching her like a hawk.