To be brokenhearted by my daughter’s behaviour?

[OneAvidRubyLeader]

My DD, 1st year of uni, stole some money from me (£150). She needed it to pay back a friend and she doesn’t work because of high contact hours at uni.

I just realised today that it was gone but she took it a couple of months ago. We give her money to live on but she also had a good few hundred pounds given to her for starting uni which she could’ve used to replace it and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. She was the only one who knew it was there but I still didn’t suspect it would be her, I genuinely thought someone else must’ve taken it but I mentioned it to her and she denied it to my face but then eventually came clean and said she was always going to pay it back (then why didn’t she?)

I genuinely thought we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I would’ve given her the money if she asked. She has generally been a dream to bring up, a happy, kind, hardworking girl with lots of friends. I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her. She has been brought up to know how wrong stealing is.

I just don’t know how to get over this. She knows I’m struggling with an empty nest, my mother’s dementia and my own health. How do I handle this? What is wrong with her? Am I overreacting?

I’m making a drama because my daughter is a thief, and that’s a big deal.

I am sorry, OneAvidRuby, I can imagine how hurt and disappointed you are.

However your daughter is still your girl. I've no doubt she did intend to pay back the money and she must feel so guilty.

This, as a one off, does not make your daughter an inveterate thief.

Give it time, the dust will settle. Let her repay you in instalments, forgive her and move on. Make it very clear that if she ever needs money, to ask openly but, if she behaves from now on, don't let this aberration follow her around for years.

I do hope life improves for you in other respects, it sounds like you have a few burdens. x

From your perspective of someone who grew up on the breadline (ie poverty?), she has a “middle class lifestyle”. However that might not be quite accurate - your breadline upbringing might make you think she is more privileged than she might be in reality.

Middle class kids tend to have a decent chunk of savings, they’re trusted with cash, they are given much more to survive on, they live in an environment where £150 holidays are encouraged as opposed to being told “tough luck you need to make sacrifices”. Therefore this whole scenario just wouldn’t have grown legs in many middle class families.

At the very least, if you’re telling her she’s “spoiled, privileged and middle class” and “doesn’t know how good she has it” … it’s no wonder that you’re not as close as you assumed and it makes sense as to why she didn’t feel comfortable broaching the subject with you.

in fact it’s fairly contradictory to say “she knows I would have given her the money”, cause her actions clearly show otherwise.

@OneAvidRubyLeader OP, you say your DD has repaid you this evening, which is good. Did you have the opportunity to have a calm talk about it all? Specifically, why she didn't simply ask you for a sub in the summer, rather than her friend, and why she didn't replace the money she stole once her GPs had given her £300? I think you'd find it easier to forgive her if she could offer some credible explanation for her behaviour (and a reassurance that she will never repeat it).

Yep - i do feel sorry for your daughter. You have labelled her a thief. As if that’s all she is. As if every good or right thing she has ever done is wiped out by this one bad thing that she did. Your approach to this is unloving. Your thinking is very rigid and harsh. You are still her mother. She is still your daughter. You say that your DD was always a joy to raise until now. Loving parents don’t just dump their relationship with their DCs and give them nasty labels because their DC does a wrong thing.

OP you are not overreacting at all, it’s really heartbreaking and sad that your own child or anyone in your own family would steal from you.
The fact that she lied about it afterwards makes it 10 times worse as well, however, I hope that this is the first and last time and that she learns from her very big mistake.

Very hurtful and disappointing. There's a lot going on for a 1st year student. Lots of new situations to deal with and she obvious has made some appalling choices here.

But the brain continues its "rewiring" process through adolescence and into early adulthood. The frontal lobe, which handles executive functions like impulse control and judgment, is not fully formed until mid twenties. And she's just 18.

So yes,this is a bad part of the journey for your daughter, but it's not the destination. She's still got growing to do.

You can be close to a daughter but remember she's only 18 / 19 (presumably) and you're a mature adult. You're also someone she knows will never let her down. Friends will be important but they are far less likely to be people who will unconditionally be there regardless, as you will be. So paying back a friend is more important, in the moment, than not stealing from her mother. Possibly she truly forgot that she hadn't paid it back, though that seems unlikely. It may just have been more tempting to keep the cash her grandparents gave her in case she needed it.

I was a pretty sensible teenager / young person but I can't hand on heart say I never stole anything (though not from my parents), nor that I never acted without consideration for others. I am appalled by some of my actions when I look back but I think it was all part of moving between childhood and adulthood - you're grown up, but not like the 'real' adults. Not saying everyone is like this but I think you can be more tolerant when young people make mistakes at this age than you would be of an older person.

I'd be angry and disappointed too but I'd try to see it as my child having a different perspective to me.

Seriously, get a grip. You're absolutely riduculous.

If it were my daughter she wouldn't be getting much financial support from me going forward.

If she has the audacity to steal money, then she can be so bold to find a legal way to make the money herself.

"You only gave your child hundreds rather than thousands of pounds. Of course they're justified in stealing from you. You're clearly a shit parent."

Wow 👀

I might be wrong, but as I read your posts about her I feel pressured myself. I’m wondering if she feels that she needs to stay this ‘good/perfect girl’ she’s always been, as she knows how much money/time/energy you’ve put into her. it sounds like up until now she’s been unrealistically ‘good’! I was the “good one” all through my childhood, it was my role and man I rebelled once I finally got the chance! What a better way to let you know that she’s not ‘all good’ (who is?!) and to come down from that unrealistic place, than to take your money? (It sounds like it was quite obvious to you it could only have been her).
University is a time of separation from parents/ exploration/ making plenty of mistakes… what if she has decided she now likes to drink alcohol, but feels she can’t tell you as you’d be disappointed?
I think, rather than labelling her a thief (suggesting she’s gone from ‘good girl’ to ‘bad girl’), you need to go in curious. She needs to know that you can tolerate her ‘good’ and ‘bad’ bits (that we all have!) so that she knows she can come to you even when she’s fucked up.

If either of my DD's stole money from me, my first priority would be concern that they may have got into debt ot drugs and how I can help. Once it was established that they were just being a greedy little shit and helping themselves to my money, just because they could, I'd be having strong words about financial boundaries, trust and doing the right thing. I wouldn't be making it about me.

You seem more bothered that she hid something from you. Your child is a separate entity. It's natural that she will not share everything with you as she gets older. You do not own her, even if you did "sacrifice" so much to futher her education (and don't forget the grandparents 300 quid).

While taking the money is clearly wrong and she needs to pay back the money (and get a job)
, It reads like this girl has been placed on a pedestal and idolised by you. The perfect, popular child who was close as can be to her mother. She is stepping into adulthood and away from the kid she was and she’s clearly making mistakes along the way. Maybe she didn’t have blips as a teen and it was easy raising her until now- but rarely does any parent escape totally scot free.

You are not wrong to be concerned by what she has done. Come down like a tonne of bricks if you want to, but there’s no need for the existential crisis and the drama of endlessly talking about it on MN.

Accept that the perfect child, ain’t perfect. She will make mistakes, but it doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or your relationship is floundering,

Make her pay you back asap and tell her to get a bloody job, then move on for all your sakes.

Yes, wow indeed - the novel you made up there really is something. Isn’t it a form of mental illness to twist people’s words in this way? I hope you get the help you need x

Your daughter isn’t a thief. If she kept steeling from you she would be, but at the moment she’s just made one mistake. Yes it’s completely understandable you’re hurt and upset but she’s an adult now so you need to get to the bottom of why she took it and focus on her and her situation.

But she only came clean after pressing, so it’s not like she volunteered the information or feels bad about it. It’s really shabby behaviour and you got you stick to your guns OP.

She stole money. Of course that makes her a thief!

The OP sounds sanctimonious, sure of her own amazing virtue, and enmeshed with her daughter to a strange extent tbh.

And yes, I do feel sorry her daughter tooo, imagine making a stupid mistake like this - an entirely forgiveable and normal human error and then your MUM bloviates endlessly to strangers about it instead of just giving you a bit of a lecture and getting on with it, like a normal person.

I bet the OP never lets her forget this and I am willing to bet the kid did it because her mum is demanding and controlling.

There's a saying, the most controlling parents have the sneakiest kids. I think that applies to the girl in this instance.

I feel sorry for her and wish she had not owned up. She sounds like a normal person, and OP will carry on pretending to be broken hearted about this for years, twisting the guilt knife as it suits her.

And nope, before anyone tries to attack me I am not a thief and as already stated absolutely nobody has said taking her mum's money was ok.

But this endless monologuing by the OP makes me hope her daughter never admits to another thing she does wrong again in her entire life.

Yes, it is imo opinion entirely unreasonable to be "broken hearted"

In your opinion opinion?

Ah - another weirdo who's bizarrely fixated on typos and who very definitely does make typos themselves. If I was obsessed and dreary enough to want to find them and post them I'd do that, but I cannot be arsed looking because typos don't matter, at all.

Thanks for quoting me though, happy for my post to be read again by anyone who missed it the first time :)

Right. And write it in a public thread, trashing her daughter. It's pretty awful behaviour on the part of the OP. I feel sorry for her daughter too.

Where did I say I was dumping our relationship? My exact words were

How do I handle this? What is wrong with her? Am I overreacting?

because I was seeking advice and thinking that yes I might be overreacting in being so hurt by this behaviour. I “labelled” her a thief on here because she committed theft. I didn’t say that’s all she is and everything she’s ever done good is erased, in fact why would I even bring up what a good daughter she is if all that had been erased in my mind. I deliberately didn’t mention it to her father or siblings because I don’t want this to define her. She did a stupid thing and has lost my trust, hopefully we can build it back again.

So maybe stop writing endless screeds trying to justify your over reaction and just move on then.

There is nothing you can gain from any of this except to harden yourself to believing that somehow it's ok to trash on your daughter in public like this.

You've already made up your mind to believe you're "broken hearted" about a mistake made by a great kid which has already been apologised for.

You should ask mumsnet to take this rubbish down, really hope your poor daughter never finds it.

Sometimes our children will surprise and disappoint us with their choices and behaviour. They’re not bad. They’re new to this life stuff and they’re learning. We’ve all been there and some of us have been luckier than others. You know your own child. You can hazard a guess at why they’ve done the thing and then navigate a (hopefully helpful) conversation around it.

In this situation, I’d be fully honest about my own feelings e.g disappointment, anger etc. I’d let them know that stealing and dishonesty is never the right move. It might be a good idea to close any gaps in communication. Let your daughter know she can approach you with any and all concerns that she has. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Sounds like she’s got bogged under and made a silly choice, thinking that the missing money wouldn’t harm you?

I hope you all come out unscathed.