To be brokenhearted by my daughter’s behaviour?

[OneAvidRubyLeader]

My DD, 1st year of uni, stole some money from me (£150). She needed it to pay back a friend and she doesn’t work because of high contact hours at uni.

I just realised today that it was gone but she took it a couple of months ago. We give her money to live on but she also had a good few hundred pounds given to her for starting uni which she could’ve used to replace it and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. She was the only one who knew it was there but I still didn’t suspect it would be her, I genuinely thought someone else must’ve taken it but I mentioned it to her and she denied it to my face but then eventually came clean and said she was always going to pay it back (then why didn’t she?)

I genuinely thought we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I would’ve given her the money if she asked. She has generally been a dream to bring up, a happy, kind, hardworking girl with lots of friends. I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her. She has been brought up to know how wrong stealing is.

I just don’t know how to get over this. She knows I’m struggling with an empty nest, my mother’s dementia and my own health. How do I handle this? What is wrong with her? Am I overreacting?

Just saw the update. It is all a bit on a non-event really. I bit upsetting, but basically resolved.

I wouldn’t call stealing £150 from your mum and then denying it a non-event. If your friend did that while round at your house, you’d not want to speak to her again and might well call the police.

It’s a blip. She won’t do it again. Move on. She probably wanted a bit of independence, or whatever. If you have given her a bollocking and told her how disappointed you are that’s enough. Keep your communications good and open. Encourage her to get a job.

Perhaps because she knows how much you love her she didn't think you'd be so upset and when you o obviously were she now feels defensive as she really did intend to put it back but has found other stuff keeps cropping up.. I really don't think it's as bad in her head as in yours.. she's still your lovely girl surely!! 💕🙏❤️❤️❤️

I agree there.

Also she is away for the firstbtime. She had to borrow money from a friend. She does NOT have money. She is more likeky to be struggling to manage her budget. Like a lot of 1st year students.
She knows you’re struggling so she didn’t ask you.

She didn’t about things the right way. No doubt.
But really you need to give her some grace instead of automatically decide she is an awful person, always will be. Can’t trust her ever etc…
Youll have done crap stuff, things you’d rather forget, too.

And having read your last update, Thars exactly what happened.

I-know you say you realise it was probably a one off blablabla.
But I’m hoping that you will really put that behind you rather than just ‘hoping it’s a one off’ tbh
I am hoping that’s the end of it and it was a stupid one off decision.

Also your dh might need to learn to stop shouting at her too. Because when you frighten children, even when they’re adukts, that’s what happens. They dint come to you and do, some times, stupid stuff instead.

My dd started university this September. My dh and l get no help with maintenance, paying rent in halls etc. Her wk is busy, but she has got a job working weekends. It's good for her, learning how to budget and know money doesn't stretch out as much as she would like.
Your dd should be doing the same. Most students have jobs, there is no reason why your dd cannot work. Moreover since she stole money from you, l would be furious, to steal off your own mother, how could she? ....She needs a wake up call and work for her money.

Once she is settled, she can absolutely manage a job. I have a child in 3rd year of a very intense medical degree. They’ve continued to work a shift a week (apart from in the run up to exams or during unsocial hours placements weeks) and a lot more during breaks. That extra money has really helped them go on cheap holidays, afford a few luxuries etc.

What outcome do you want now? If you want a good relationship with your daughter then tell her you're disappointed but that people make mistakes and you can move on from that - also maybe ask her why she couldn't ask you for help. If the outcome you want is a broken relationship - unlikely - then carry on being 'heartbroken' and making a huge deal of this event. She meant to borrow the money secretly, not to steal, but she didn't get round to repaying and then it was too late. Forgive, and don't be sad, you and she are both just human.

I think there are a million mothers who have experienced the same. If she had asked you and you had given her the money, she would probably have still taken more.

It is a shock. It is for most of us who have experienced it. Only you know if you can discuss it with your daughter, and if you decide to, you should do as soon as you can, because life is too short and she is still very young.

You have to do something to make sure she doesn't do it again - to someone else. Until you are sure you can trust her again, do not let her have any information about your finances, and certainly not those of your mother. Whatever your dm's finances are, avoid leaving them alone for now.

She told the truth and I suspect your disappointment will be her punishment.

She must have really tried to not tell you and then was stuck!

I am sorry it all happened. Give her a second chance 👏🏼

She needs to get a job. I did a full time nursing degree (so 37.5 hours of uni/placement plus studying) and worked lifeguarding/receptionist shifts. There are plenty of casual roles she could do on 0 hours contracts. If you want nice things, you have to earn the money to pay for them, not ‘borrow’ it.

She's fouled up. She's going to put it right. Youngsters do silly things and they learn.

Be very careful that YOU do not let this define her.

So I mean this kindly, get over yourself before you cause some damage between you 💐

I am be reading too much into this but maybe it's part of a natural shift of prioritising spending time with her peers rather than her family. Perhaps that is part of the hurt - you can feel she's pulling away (which is a healthy and natural thing). Perhaps the money thing she may see as borrowing money rather than stealing. Knowing it wasn't ongoing living money she thought 'borrowing' it without asking you wouldn't hurt you but the hurt lies in not communicating with you and revealing that you aren't as close as you thought you were

If you asked you if she could have holiday money to spend with her friends rather than a holiday with you how might you feel?

I guess she was trying to be financially independent now she’s away left home. She got in a pickle by overspending and didn’t want to come clean to you. I’m sure she did intend to pay it back, but then realised you knew and the jig was up. She handled it all wrong but hopefully she has learned from it. I’m sure she’s not a bad kid.

When I got addicted to drugs I would steal off my parents me and my mum were not that close but I know I could have got money by asking I just didn’t want to have to lie about why. Has she lost weight go to rave type events at uni does she seem to be able to go out bd just drink water just some signs x

You sound like you're going to hang onto this, aren't you?
If my daughter did this, there'd initially ne a screaming match you could hear it 10 miles away. Then we'd calm down & talk about it. This is what you should be doing (not necessarily the big row bit). Wringing your hands & bleating on MN isn't going to resolve this, you've got to do this yourself, you & her - does she know how hard you've taken this? It might seem obvious to you but young people sometimes need plain speaking - they tend to live in a world of their own.

You sound resentful:

'The holiday with her friends was one of 3 holidays she had over the summer. 2 weeks away for her 18th with the family, a further week away with just myself before leaving for uni and not including a weekend in London too. '

and yet

' Cash, a wee stash that I showed her because I was saving for a girly trip for us. '

why would you be doing that when she has already been on holiday / away 3 times...

Agree with this.

‘She doesn’t drink’ it’s definitely for drug money she owes

I think I’d sit down with her and make sure there’s nothing else going on.

I think you’ve made life easy for her money-wise out of your love for her of course. However she now needs to learn that money has to be earned. Getting a job will teach her the value of money and how hard work has its rewards. It will also help her to mature and learn other skills such as time management and how to work as a team in the workplace and understand work hierarchies. It’s good experience just applying for these jobs too. Even if she can’t get work at uni she can get a Christmas job for example in a supermarket or hospitality. Hospitality jobs for students are common in summer too. Working will help her a lot for the future, and transition her to stop relying on handouts.

How can you say that she is not privileged? She has a loving mother who trusted her and gave her as much as she could.
Its not all about the amount of money she received compared to you but breaking her mother’s trust and now she has to work hard to regain that

3 holidays is crazy. She doesn’t work, yet she went on holiday with mates as well as twice with family, then steals from you! She needs a job, sorry, regardless of contact hours at uni.

Please try to put this in perspective. My son did a similar thing 25 years ago so I know exactly how you’re feeling. When my son was 18 he was doing an apprenticeship and working on days off with my husband who was a trade. My son is an only child and yes was ‘spoiled’ I suppose but definitely knew right from wrong and had a good upbringing knowing if he wanted something he was to ask us or his grandparents whom he was extremely close too. One day my husband & son had been working together and as soon as they got home the phone rang and it was the woman who’s house they had been working in (also my husband was quite friendly with her and she’d recommended him to a few of her friends) she simply asked that my husband get my son to hand back the £300 that was hidden under her mattress! My husband was horrified, embarrassed and so angry at my son who first denied it but quickly came clean, my son was remorseful, embarrassed and extremely apologetic and said he just saw it sitting there and didn’t know why he took it. My husband straight away went over to her house and made our son hand the money back to her in person with an apology even though she said she only wanted my husband to give it back to her next day when he was due to carry on working back there. Obviously she said not to ever bring our son to work in her house again.
I had a couple of serious chats on my own with our son, I explained how hard she probably had to work for that money and if he ever was in a position where he needed money he was to always come to me and I told him if he ever did this again I’d tell the person to call the Police. We as a family were so embarrassed we never told a soul and luckily he never did anything like that again and even though he was doing an apprenticeship and earning very little money at the time we sat down and went over his expenses again to see if we could help him more. He relaxed a bit knowing if he needed money he could come to me, I think he just felt trapped by what he was earning and it had all got to him, not that that excused his behaviour. I bitterly regretted that my husband knew as even to this day and now husband has dementia, he did hold it against our son and occasionally brought it up to me which made me angry with my husband, I appreciate after that job he lost the lady and her friends as clients but …come on, he didn’t murder anyone!! … from then on I kept temptation out of sons way and bought a small safe. My advice would be to you do not tell your husband or her siblings and if it’s a one off which I’m sure it is after you’ve spoken to her about it don’t put temptation in her way. Yes she’s done a bad thing but you’ve sorted it, just keep an eye if she’s struggling and encourage her to come to you but remember she’s probably extremely stressed at uni and what she’s doing, it was a silly mistake, you WILL get over it but to move on please don’t keep bringing it up with her. She is probably extremely embarrassed and praying you don’t tell anyone, we all make the occasional mistakes but it sounds like she’s paid for it. Try not to distance yourself from her as it’s hard to get that closeness back once gone. Remember, she could of done a lot worse.