To be brokenhearted by my daughter’s behaviour?

[OneAvidRubyLeader]

My DD, 1st year of uni, stole some money from me (£150). She needed it to pay back a friend and she doesn’t work because of high contact hours at uni.

I just realised today that it was gone but she took it a couple of months ago. We give her money to live on but she also had a good few hundred pounds given to her for starting uni which she could’ve used to replace it and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. She was the only one who knew it was there but I still didn’t suspect it would be her, I genuinely thought someone else must’ve taken it but I mentioned it to her and she denied it to my face but then eventually came clean and said she was always going to pay it back (then why didn’t she?)

I genuinely thought we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I would’ve given her the money if she asked. She has generally been a dream to bring up, a happy, kind, hardworking girl with lots of friends. I have always given her everything her whole life because I enjoy spending my time and money on her. She has been brought up to know how wrong stealing is.

I just don’t know how to get over this. She knows I’m struggling with an empty nest, my mother’s dementia and my own health. How do I handle this? What is wrong with her? Am I overreacting?

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Very sensible response that puts the matter in perspective

"A good few hundred pounds when she started" has probably long since been spent, in particular after fresher's week. This along with her miniscule student loan probably doesn't touch the sides of every day living costs particularly if she is a student in an expensive city. The pressure to spend in Fresher's week can be huge for those away from home for the first time and navigating making friends. I would be inclined to give her grace if this is a one off.

I would be distraught if my daughter had done this- if she was desperately short for something essential I would hope she would ask me for a loan. Completely unacceptable to steal from a loving mother

I'm sorry your DD has stolen from you OP - I'd be terribly disappointed in her too. I'm a bit confused, however, that she says she still has the £300 her GPs gave her (or, at least, some of it) and can repay you the £150 she took - so why did she need to borrow any money at all from a friend in the summer if she still had (some of) this money? This doesn't make sense to me - have I missed something?

I agree. I would be heartbroken too, and show it but not in an emotional way. Just calmly explain how it affected you. If you minimise it as a mistake, she won't know the impact it had on you. Tell her that you are gutted that she could steal from you with no thought to your feelings during a tough time in your life, when you are facing so many other stresses. Discovering the missing money and then finding out she stole it has hugely added to that stress. Don't back down from saying this, just say it in a calm voice, which will make it easier for her to hear it and not get defensive.

But I'd be careful to call it stealing rather than call her a thief - avoid labelling her. I'd also be very concerned about how she got into so much debt with one friend and why she felt she needed to steal in order to pay her back. Is she finding it hard to make ends meet? Why did she not feel able to come to you and discuss her money problems? I'd ask these in a very calm, kind wat, to get to the bottom of it.

@OneAvidRubyLeader She needed it to pay back a friend and she doesn’t work because of high contact hours at uni.

I had high contact hours at uni, but I worked during Saturdays and Sundays at the weekend.

She has the weekends free, right? Most university degrees do not require attendance at the weekend.

This money was to pay back the money she borrowed from a friend on holiday in the summer. I would have covered it if she’d asked. She would like a job but she’s high contact hours, 6 days per week and is exhausted. When she is more acclimatised to the workload it might be an option. I worked 3 jobs with no parental support to put myself through uni so know the struggle. She is on a performing arts course and they’re all living on a tight budget. She wanted to follow her dream and knew she’d have to make sacrifices, the vast majority of her friends are in the same situation.

F

It's idiotic. And a shame. But not the end of the world. She was obviously in a really tricky situation and probably thought she could replace it before anyone knew.
She has told you, she feels bad and likely won't do it again.
In the wider picture, is she under financial pressure. Maybe things are costing more than she and you thought, uni social life, clothes, makeup. You can easily sink 100 quid a week just on keeping up with the basics, plus food and living costs. One big night out where a friend says, 'I'll pay and you pay me back' could cost 100 quid easily.
If she is resorting to stealing off tou then something is very wrong with her budgeting.

Yes, she stole the money to pay back her friend for the holiday.

I think getting a job would be good for her and would teach her the value of money. It’s hard to juggle work and university but loads of students make it work.

This is why so many students end up turning to sex work.

She only has Sunday free when she needs to do washing, shopping etc. They can often be at uni from 8am to 7pm and more during show times. It’s very physically demanding but some do manage to work. As far as I can tell though she can live within her budget. The money she took was to pay off a debt from the summer, not something she accrued while at university.

She's not making sacrifices, though. She's going on holidays that she hasn't saved for or earned through employment.

She did it because she knows you'll forgive her. She couldn't face reality so she took a short-cut. Probably didn't think the whole thing through maturely. It doesn't mean you can't trust her, or that she's a spoilt brat, just that she took what she thought was an easy way out of a difficult situation. Tell her that you're hurt. Recognise she possibly didn't even understand the impact / consequences of her actions.

SIX !!!! And thats high contact ??? Jesus wept. I graduated 2 years ago 6 hours is 3 /4 lectures a week. ( youre saying 6 days but unless its medical its knly a hour or 2 a day)

Unless theres serious disabilities here why isnt she working ???

(*note i have an autoimmune condition, ND and worked 20 hours a week whilst doing a dual honors degree with society commitments)

Some students take the ever loving piss !

I’m surprised anyone is minimising this, I’d be very concerned and frankly I’d try to look into it and make sure it was for an holiday.

My mother always had plenty of cash lying around and not once did I dare to steal from her, nor did my DD from me. I honestly find it bizarre and unjustifiable. It definitely says something about her character at this point in time.

On the other hand, that sort of personality might serve her very well in the arts industry. You do need to be a bit ruthless.

@Irritatediron i thought by 6 OP meant 6 days??

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What I was trying to say is that it may not have been holiday money she needed as she knew she could come to you for this. I wonder what she really needed the money for and whether it might have been something else entirely something she felt uncomfortable talking with you about.

6 days per week, often from 8am to 7pm with few breaks. It’s a performing arts degree so dancing all day and exhausting.

@OneAvidRubyLeader I'm still confused OP. Earlier you posted "She should still have the around £300 family gave her to go to uni with which she could have used to replace my money before she left. It’s maybe been spent now but she said she has it to repay me." Again, if she still has some or all of this £300 why did she need to borrow £150 from her friend in the first place and subsequently steal from you? And if she does have it to repay you, why didn't she, so her theft would never be discovered? And if she doesn't have it, she's lying to you now, which compounds her bad behaviour.
Have I misunderstood what you've posted OP?

You're full of excuses for her about everything I see.

The holiday was before uni started. She thought she had enough for the holiday but ended up being short.

I mean she is making sacrifices now by living a frugal student life (according to other posters who think she should be given more funds).

@Blueberry911 art degrees are notoriously time consuming when done right, tbh I don’t think OP is lying on that aspect really