Taking DD’s to Disneyland separately

[Hilowmaybeno]

My in-laws are convinced this is a totally awful plan and we’ve lost our mind so I’m looking for some opinions. We have 2 DDs. DD1 is 4 and DD2 is 2.
We are thinking for DDs 5th birthday we want to take her to Disneyland Paris for a couple of days. The way it works out is DDs school close for summer on the Friday, we will do a party on the Sunday, her birthday is the Tuesday and then Thursday-Sunday (I know busy days) Disneyland Paris. I don’t think we should take DD2 with us as I want it to be a special birthday treat for DD1. Then in a couple of years when it’s DD2s 5th birthday we can do the same.
I feel especially since DD1 started school that we just don’t get very much time with her alone now, especially not with DH too and I’d love to spoil her a little for her birthday. It wouldn’t replace our main summer holiday it would be an add on so DD2 wouldn’t actually be missing out.
My in-laws think it might be fine this time but I’m asking for hell when it’s DD2’s turn and DD1 is 7.

AIBU to want to talk DDs to Disneyland on separate trips?

Do you and/or your DH work extremely long hours? Just wondering as you are craving “quality time” so much.

My perspective is that life is too short not to have quality time every day. Mealtimes together, bath-time, bedtime stories, walks to the park and baking on Saturdays, all would count as quality time in my book. Do you not have the chance to do much of this day-to-day stuff? I understand that with cost of living etc it’s often hard for parents to be with their children as much as they’d like to be. No judgement here. Just trying to understand your situation.

Your kids don't have to have identical life experiences.

Take the five-year-old now while the toddler stays with grandparents. But don't lock in to taking the younger one to Paris or anywhere else when she is five.

It's a fools errand to try to predict the future; you don't know what she'll be interested in, how everyone's health will be, how your finances will hold up, etc. Not to even mention the difficulty shunting a then-7-year-old aside.

Do not promise "someday it will be your turn" because it might not be. If you build up "we take you to Disney when you turn 5" you could be writing a recipe for disaster.

DD5 gets a privilege now because she is older. That's just life. Sooner or later things will even out for the toddler but don't promise and don't force it. You might all have different interests or circumstances three years from now.

Yeah, because the oldest was born first so will obviously have had more experiences & holidays than the younger one. But when the eldest is "too old" for family holidays, the youngest might still tag along for a couple of years, it all evens out! Your logic is insane. And what do you think will bring more resentment in your children, that your eldest got an "extra" trip to Disney as youngest was too little to enjoy it, or that your eldest got ditched at home with the grandparents at the prime age for disneyland while you took her little sister away. I think everyone will agree on that one.

Also just to shock everyone some more, my sisters and I went to different schools with different opportunities, my eldest sister went to state primary, then boarded. My middle sister and I went to two different international schools and my youngest sister did prep school then grammar!

None of us resent each other as our parents did what was best for us at the time. However this did mean we all had slightly different school holidays, I went to a French school which followed the French school calendar so had more holidays than the others, compared to my sister who went to a grammar school she wouldn’t finish for summer for another 3 weeks after me!

There is a slightly odd mentally here that siblings must be treated as a group.

But again, you got X or Y or Z.

Here, you're taking one to Disneyland and the other just gets to stay home. How is is that remotely fair?

Having read your update, you have to admit OP that you had a somewhat unusual family set up as a child. I suspect that’s influencing your opinion here?!

I'm intrigued by this. This is so different from my childhood. I loved my parents and we have always been close but I can't ever remember being desperate for 'one on one' holidays with them. I had more similar interests with my brother as we were a similar age. I can't imagine wanting to go away just with my parents but not my brother, I'd rather just do the trip together. Were you not close with your sisters? All these separate trips just seems so odd to me.

A ‘bit’ envious. Seriously.

I think your family dynamics growing up sound extremely unusual and that is why all the responses are so much at odds with what you think is normal.

I took my girls to a lovely cafe nearby for a sort of afternoon tea for one on one time. I would never take one to Disneyland without the other.

It’s not the desire for one to one time that’s unusual. It’s the celebrating someone’s actual birthday in this way I think. For most people everyone would be invited to the party, given a piece of cake etc. and most kids would want their siblings to be included in the celebrations.

I don’t understand why parents complicate their kids birthdays so much. Since expense isn’t an issue, just do Disney twice taking both DDs. When you’re there just make the trip extra special for whichever DD’s birthday it is, finito. Yeah the 2 year old isn’t going to care or understand what’s going on when she’s left behind but when your now 5 year old is 7, she will understand what it means to be left behind while parents take her younger sister to Disney. It’s just ridiculous really, sorry.

and to say you would use the trip as a teaching opportunity when the older DD likely will be (and rightfully) upset is just….

This is not an appropriate scenario/event/occasion to use as a teaching opportunity. It’s just not well-considered and quite mean. Rethink this OP. Your in-laws have a point.

OP as the parent of a 7 year old I can tell you a couple of things

1. There is zero point taking a 2 year old to disney. It's crowded and overstimulating and exhausting. They won't remember it and might even hate it.

2. A 5 year old might be a bit better but if you really want to take her right now then I'd have low expectations. It's likely to be amazing but overwhelming even for a 5 year old. When I went to DL Florida as an adult it was full of kids this age who tbh looked miserable. I spoke to a couple in a queue who had a 5 and 7 year old and they basically said it had been a bit of a nightmare and that they were going to finish their holiday by the pool as the kids had had enough of the themeparks. I also saw a kid literally being bollocked for not looking happy enough (!?) Disney is an amazing place but I'd say anyone taking their kids needs to try and see it from their children's POV. The kids have no concept of how much it costs or how significant it is.

3. There is a HUGE difference between a 5 year old and a 7 year old. In a couple of years when your oldest is 7 you will realise how much she's matured. You'll realise that you want her to experience Disney on this whole new level. She will also by then be mature enough to really understand the enormity of being left out of a trip to Disney. However you rationalise it a 7 year old is going to be mortified. I think if you're going to do this then you need to just take them both when the youngest is older. Take the 5 year old now as well if you must but find some other way of making it up to the 2 year old or accept that it's just how the cookie crumbles. The 2 year old is much less likely to feel any injustice than the older child iyswim. Slightly different but I took my dd to Lapland at age 5.5 and although it was absolutely amazing in hindsight I would've waited a couple of years.

4. if it's special one on one time you want with the oldest then there are other much simpler and probably more effective ways to do this. How about some special trips out to her favourite places? Or a weekend break at a caravan park/city break or theme park break here in the UK eg Paultons?

But that is exactly how it was for us, some years one of us would get a special trip then the other 3 would get there’s the next year. Which is basically exactly what I suggested.

Anyway I’ve already said we will take both, both times and go off for time alone with the birthday girl
while the other stays with her grandparents, which apparently is also not okay.

I do think that you're coming at it from a different angle than most people on here cos of how your family did birthdays growing up.

And that's understandable. We all want to do certain things the same way as we did when we grew up.

But it sounds like you still want to do it your way. And maybe that will work out right if you've had as good experience that way.

Who knows

That works when there are 3 or more kids. But in a family of four, leaving one single person out feels horrible.

2 or 3 out of 5+ doing something alone is very different.

Why did you bother posting? Was it to just brag about privileged your childhood was or something?

I would just take dd1 this time but take them both again in a few years. I have a 2 year old so I understand how much of a nightmare dragging the little one around Disney would be but i would find it harsh not bringing them both in a few years when they both understand and would both love it.

Exactly.

Leaving two behind is very different to everyone disappearing and leaving one at home alone. It's just unkind.

I think you're half right on this one. Kids should get individual time with their parents and should be able to do things that are centred around their interests and age sometimes rather than always making things a compromise. With their current ages it's perfectly reasonable to leave DD2 behind when you take DD1 to Disney, though you might also consider making it a family trip and trading off 1-1 time with each girl.

But I think the idea you have about how to "make it up to DD2" in the future isn't great. You're thinking about an adult version of tit-for-tat and not considering how it will actually feel for the children who can't frame things on a long-term scale like that. A seven-year-old being left behind while her parents take a multi-day trip to disney absolutely will not be able to put that in context the way you want, and the hurt it will cause is far greater than any upside.

For a five and seven-year-olds the healthy, appropriate way to do individual time is for each child to go off on a short (and equal!) trip with a parent on the same weekend, or to take a trip as a family and split up for a day. Otherwise stick to frequent but small-scale things like one having an afternoon activity with grandparents while the other goes for a bike ride and ice cream with mum and dad. If you and DH are missing time with just DD1 you absolutely should not wait a year for a big trip to try to fix that all in one go; look at your daily routine and find ways to build in solo time with each DD.

Ahh the optimism 😆

I completely understand that it’s nice to have 1:1 time with each kid but I honestly think this is too big a treat for 1:1 time.

It’s also all about you - we took our kids to Disneyland when they were 5 and 7 and they had the best time together - I would wait and go when your youngest is 5 and make special memories as a family.

I think it’s a very bad idea. We have started doing separate trips now that the dc are older teens but this has the potential to create a lot of resentment. Shared memories from family holidays are important bonding experiences for children and I would be very careful about creating a situation that could cause resentment between your dc. You can’t control how dc will feel about it - you are picturing them each enjoying their special treat, but that is not necessarily what will happen. I would take them both when the youngest is 7 or 8 - they will both remember it then too - kids don’t remember er much from when they are 5.

I think it’s a terrible idea. The 1-1 thing only works if one parent takes one child somewhere. If both parents take one child somewhere and leave out a 7 year old that is terrible.

Take your 5 year old this time because the 2 year old won’t remember it. Then just go again as a family for the next time. The 7 year old won’t hinder you as much as a 2 year old.

All of you going and bringing grandparents to help with younger one sounds good for the earlier trip.

But avoid July & August if you can.
The park will be at full capacity and it may be extremely hot. There will be very long lines for Princesses and characters, the castle and the footpaths will be very busy day long. You will also need to make restaurant reservations in advance as they will be booked up by time you arrive.

To see the parades you will need to sit down in a good spot quite some time in advance (40 mins?) to get a front row view where the children can actually see it.l. This can be quite boring for small children. But the parade is a highlight.

Ideal time is if you have any school in service days out of peak season and make a long weekend out of it. Or a week over midterm or Easter holidays when the weather won’t be so hot.

BTW, the kiddy rides are nice. Mine loved Peter Pan and Snow White ride from when they were tiny. Also the tea cups and the maze. And Small World of course and some small people rides in the other sister park.

I wouldn’t discount the kiddy rides. But again, there can be long queues at peak season.

My girls loved it since they were tiny and still go back in their 20s. I think oldest was just 3 and little sister less than 1 when we first went.

Taking them away separately to things they enjoy independently is okay. Taking one most seven year olds dream holiday and leaving the seven year old at home is an absolute travesty. I’m surprised you don’t see the difference.

But I’m team leave DD2 at home for now.

This is insane. People are calling it "cruel" to not take a toddler to Disney Paris, which she wouldn't remember a few months down the line?

Yes, the elder daughter will get two trips to Disney. That's life. First-born children generally "get" more than younger ones because they've been around longer. It's bonkers to overthink, years in advance, how to "equalize" things.

I was taken many places before my younger sister was born and while she was still a toddler (she stayed with my grandparents._

I'm sure it never occurred to my parents or anyone else to maintain a scorecard so that they could be sure to take my sister to every one of those places after she was born. Nor did it occur to her to be jealous of things that happened with me before she was out of diapers.