Not to invite brothers new partner and child Xmas day

[thesurreymum]

I wasn't planning to host this Xmas and keep it just the 4 of us. Last year, I hosted for 12. However change in circumstances means that in-laws will now be coming so therefore will invite my family too. My brother has a new partner of 4 months who has children from previous relationships. Her youngest is 2 and will be with her. I've met the new partner twice but not the child.

My brother has children from previous relationships too and unfortunately he won't see them over Christmas.

Now, I'm not sure if my brothers plans for Xmas and he may already be sorted however I don't necessarily feel comfortable inviting new partner and young child I've never met. Personally it feels too soon for me. DM thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's wrong to exclude them from an invite, she also hasn't met the child.

How do I navigate this with DB? Or am I being unreasonable and invite them too?

Not to drip feed but the past two relationships my brother has had have ended badly and with children involved it's been messy. Whilst I hope this relationship works out I'm not ready to get too close to any new partners and any children.

I don't think having someone for Christmas means you have to get close.

You either have none of them or all of them I think, you can't really exclude your brother's partner without risking annoying your brother.

I can't really see what the problem is. Brother is likely to be upset and probably won't come either. Open your heart. It's supposed to be the season of peace and love.

I wouldn’t want strange kids around at Christmas. I love kids I really do but if you don’t know them then it will change the dynamic and also will be awkward for the poor kids too.

Only you will know how your brother will react but I would approach it from that angle, you haven’t met these children, he has only been with this woman for four months, you don’t think Christmas is the right time for everyone to meet for the first time.

Maybe gently sound him out - his partners child may be with their other parent for Christmas, they may both be with his partners parents for Christmas. This may be an non issue.
Do you have children? If yes, I can see how introducing a string of potential aunties and step cousins could be an issue.

4 months is not a very long relationship. But if your brother and his girlfriend are already spending time with each others’ children, spending holidays together, etc. then I think it would be unreasonable not to invite her and her child.

I would imagine he wants to spend Christmas with his new partner, so he will refuse your invitation if you exclude her and her child. Or maybe she wants to spend it with her family. I'd just ask him what his plans are.

Probably best to not invite you brother if you want to exclude his gf and her DD. He'll probably want to spend Xmas day with his gf and her DD if he isn't seeing his own DC that day. I wouldn't be inviting in-laws and excluding my own family though.

I think it’s too soon anso and wouldn’t want a strange child at Christmas. After four months, they hardly at ‘happy family’ stage. Also, doesn’t mumsnet usually recommend that you don’t introduce your children to your new partner until at least six months.

A 4 month relationship is very young and there’s no way I would ask a partner of that long to spend Christmas Day together. Maybe he will just come and his new girlfriend will see her family.

Personally wouldn't want a random toddler gatecrashing my Christmas day!

It's not just the child, I've only met the partner twice and briefly. I just think it will be uncomfortable all round. They have been on holiday together already and are practically living together so to them they are very much serious.

Could you invite them for drinks/games in the evening or something? That might work for them and also sit better with your brother? I'd honestly invite a stranger to my house for xmas if they had nowhere else to go. I find all the strange child" distasteful.

Surely if they are in a new relationship with a very young child they will want to spend Christmas as a unit together in their own home.

I certainly don't see why you should feel obliged to ask them to your home, especially when you hadn't been expecting to host anyone this year.

If nothing else I don't see how a 2 year old could enjoy Christmas in a stranger's home. She should be free to play and open her presents with people she knows

No four months and different sets of kids involved is far too soon for blended type family Christmas day. Especially since this isn't the first blended type relationship he has had.

You barely know each other and they could be split up by January.

If it was next Christmas I would say it would be somewhat unreasonable.

Invite him, if he asks tell him the truth and its in his hands to decide how he wants to spend the day.

It really isnt.

Especially when he has a history of relationships involving partners with kids plus his own. Its incredibly unhealthy for fake family set ups to be rolled out and all the kids including his own to keep witnessing and then re adapting.

What I don't understand is grown.Adults who ve been old enough to get married, have children.Divorce and find new partners all have to get together for christmas.Every single year. Why can't you just have christmases in your own homes with your own families?And maybe someone hosts the parents every other year.

Why can't your brother have christmas with his partner and her child. He's not seeing his own children.So maybe it would be nice to spend it with his girlfriend. Maybe their relationship will last?Maybe it won't.

I would not want a 2 year old at my house full stop.

Just don't invite any of them. You can't really invite only one and not the other, but I also understand that hosting a 2 year old might change the dynamic at fair bit if you were looking for a quiet christmas.

If you don't want to host, then don't! Why do you now have to have your in laws? Why does that mean you have to have your parents, and your brother and his family?!

DM thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's wrong to exclude them from an invite, she also hasn't met the child.

Then she can host. People who sling their opinions around about what should happen, should do it all at their house.

Honestly, I would step away from the lot of it and cook for the 4 of you!

I wouldn’t invite your family at all, tbh. Explain that you hosted last year, so this year you’re only having ILs for (insert reason). Your parents and brother can decide between themselves what to do.

Girlfriend of 4 months is not a partner. Chances of them even being together at Christmas? Or will he have a new ‘partner’ by then?

I was the new girlfriend with the DC one Christmas and I was made to feel welcome by my now DH’s of 30 years family, I will always remember their kindness.

Chat to your brother like an adult and see what his feelings are for Christmas this year.

I sit somewhere between it’s your house do what you want and also it’s awkward to say brother can come but his girlfriend and toddler are not welcome.

You maybe over thinking and your brother might already have plans to spend Christmas at home as a 3.

Me personally I wouldn’t purposely go out of my way to leave a girlfriend and 2 year old out but I appreciate everyone has their reasonings

We were all girlfriends of 4 months once, weren’t we. Glad they showed you kindness xx

How do I navigate this with DB?

You begin with an informal, spoken conversation (not text) where you ask if he's thought about his plans for Christmas. Take it from there.