Not to invite brothers new partner and child Xmas day

[thesurreymum]

I wasn't planning to host this Xmas and keep it just the 4 of us. Last year, I hosted for 12. However change in circumstances means that in-laws will now be coming so therefore will invite my family too. My brother has a new partner of 4 months who has children from previous relationships. Her youngest is 2 and will be with her. I've met the new partner twice but not the child.

My brother has children from previous relationships too and unfortunately he won't see them over Christmas.

Now, I'm not sure if my brothers plans for Xmas and he may already be sorted however I don't necessarily feel comfortable inviting new partner and young child I've never met. Personally it feels too soon for me. DM thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's wrong to exclude them from an invite, she also hasn't met the child.

How do I navigate this with DB? Or am I being unreasonable and invite them too?

Not to drip feed but the past two relationships my brother has had have ended badly and with children involved it's been messy. Whilst I hope this relationship works out I'm not ready to get too close to any new partners and any children.

It would never even occur to me to invite a sibling’s new girlfriend or boyfriend, with or without a toddler, to Christmas, and I’d be utterly baffled if someone expected it.

Would you be happy if they popped in for a drink and a slice of xmas cake? I'd be ok with that but understand if you are not. But that would be the extent of all I would be comfortable with.

Are her family close by? They may already have plans so I would ask him what their plans are and go from there.

Can you not simply ask your DB what his plans are for Christmas? I have hosted a few friends of my DC at Christmas over the years, it doesn't matter whether they are people we've known well or just someone who might otherwise be spending the day alone. By Christmas your DB will have been with his gf for 6 months but even if this relationship doesn't last forever you can surely offer to spend Christmas with her.

“change in circumstances means that in-laws will now be coming so therefore will invite my family too”

Why not just have the in-laws? Why must your family come too, considering originally it was going to be just the four of you? If you don’t invite your family, the brother and partner problem goes away - or you could have them separately after Christmas.

I doubt he will spend Christmas with someone he's been going out with for 4 months.

I don’t see why your in laws can’t come without your family coming too, I also have no issues whatsoever with inviting a ‘strange child’. It’s not about getting too close it’s just about giving a child a fun Christmas Day?

It's Xmas Day, how close are you going to get in that time?

It would be rude not to invite her, there's no need to make it into a big "thing". I really don't get this weird MN idea that you have to be together for at least a year for it to become a proper relationship and before then you can't possibly do anything family related.

@Whatado inviting someone to a Christmas lunch in no way means you accept them as family. It's just basic manners and is fundamentally what Christmas is about from a Christianity perspective. My brother had a mate living with him with nowhere to go so I invited him for lunch. Didn't mean I perceived him as close family. OP says her brother is practically living with this girl and child. Not inviting them if he is invited sounds incredibly petty and judgy. I don't like the quick blending either however it's clearly happened so moralising over it isn't going to change that

I mean we had my sister in law’s partner for Christmas when we had never met him, so I would say this was unreasonable. Also, it seems unfair to base how you treat her on your past experience of people who are not her.

Invite them all.

She'll be a girlfriend of 6 months by Christmas.

I don't understand your rationale for not including them OP, can you explain further?

You're uncomfortable around little kids you don't know very well?
Is it an issue of cost?
Are you a bit judgy about your brother's relationship history and trying to make a point about him bringing him into the 'family' too early?

Be honest about your motivations as that will change the advice, I think.

Quite possibly he is sorted anyway, so you may be worrying unnecessarily.

I am not judging you for your misgivings. I am a shy person myself and rarely find it easy to relax among strangers.

However, you are lucky to have the chance to spend Xmas with family you love. It would clearly make your DM happy if her son was there too - and that MAY necessitate inviting the new partner and child.

I would suck this up and do it, for the sake of DM and DB. Though I would secretly be hoping the partner had made her own plans..

For what it's worth, I have never actively regretted inviting someone for Xmas. There are times I have regretted not inviting someone, and later finding out they spent it on their own.

DExH and I had a friend who took his own life shortly after Xmas one year. He had spent it alone, and though none of us knew that, we should have realised - we made false assumptions.

That very much changed my view of Xmas invitations. I now make them much more readily. I'd rather have a slightly awkward, less than ideal day, than live to regret not inviting someone (for any reason).

Ask your brother what his plans are and that if he hasn’t got any, and is on his own he’s welcome to come round to yours. He presumably will want to see his kids and his partner may have plans of her own. So he could be doing rounds.

Another one who doesn’t understand why you have to host:

a) your in-laws, but if you do, that doesn’t means you have to include
b) your family, but if so, that doesn’t have to include
c) your brother or
d) his girlfriend of 4 months and her kids

It’s ridiculous. You didn’t want to host anyone and did it all last year. How dare any family member get pissy about who you should host. Is your mum/brother/brother’s girlfriend gonna host you? Course not! Don’t be a mug. Draw the line and prioritise what you want for once.

You're not obliged to host anyone for anything if you don't want to.

Is there a chance they might invite you and your family to theirs?

They aren’t in a relationship at 4 months they are still dating!

Four months is WAY too soon for a young child to be spending Christmas with - or even meeting - his parent's partner's family!!! Why not ask your bro what his plans are; if he's decent at all he probably hasn't even met his partner's children and perhaps doesn't even expect to see her - let alone them - over Christmas. He's likely made other plans if Christmas is a big deal to him, but why not invite him (explaining why it's relatively late notice) and see what he says?

See, this in its turn baffles me. I don't say that to be argumentative or critical - I absolutely respect your right to restrict Xmas invitations to family/long-standing partners only, and I am of course familiar with this approach.

But have you genuinely never come across the practice of inviting people you know less well? Not seen people mention this on-line, or seen it depicted in films or novels, etc? Because it's honestly not that unusual, I don't think, as to provoke utter bafflement.

I have even heard of some good people inviting strangers from their neighbour they don't know at all, when they find out these people will be on their own.

And if people will sit down with total strangers, surely inviting a sibling's partner of a few months, isn't that much of a stretch, that you would be staggered to even hear of it as a possibility?

I suppose it does depend on what you view as "new" - most people I agree wouldn't invite some guy or girl their sibling had swiped right on the night before on Tinder.

But a partner of 6 months (as it will be by then?). I have certainly been invited before by the family of a boyfriend (I probably wouldn't use "partner" for myself at that point - no disrespect to those who do) of that sort of vintage. I don't think its that weird or unheard of - it's well-known, surely, that different people celebrate Xmas differently and take different approaches to the guest list?

OP obviously has to do what she feels comfortable with at the end of the day - but I am not sure it's fair to say that either option would be bafflingly strange.

I agree

I'd invite everyone. Because it isn't my problem.

But your brother has a new girlfriend and you think he will want her and her child to spend christmas with his family.

4 months in he shouldn't even have met her child. Still less be playing big happy families. Poor kid.

Oh and your brother doesn't have a "new partner" of 4 months. He has been dating a woman for 4 months.

Again I feel for her child.

If they live together (which they shouldn't be, given that the GF has a child) then she gets invited too. If they don't then she doesn't. "Practically living together" wouldn't count if they each have their own places.

Christmas is just one day, it’s really no big deal. If she comes with her kid it’s a bit disruptive but doesn’t really matter?