Not to invite brothers new partner and child Xmas day

[thesurreymum]

I wasn't planning to host this Xmas and keep it just the 4 of us. Last year, I hosted for 12. However change in circumstances means that in-laws will now be coming so therefore will invite my family too. My brother has a new partner of 4 months who has children from previous relationships. Her youngest is 2 and will be with her. I've met the new partner twice but not the child.

My brother has children from previous relationships too and unfortunately he won't see them over Christmas.

Now, I'm not sure if my brothers plans for Xmas and he may already be sorted however I don't necessarily feel comfortable inviting new partner and young child I've never met. Personally it feels too soon for me. DM thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's wrong to exclude them from an invite, she also hasn't met the child.

How do I navigate this with DB? Or am I being unreasonable and invite them too?

Not to drip feed but the past two relationships my brother has had have ended badly and with children involved it's been messy. Whilst I hope this relationship works out I'm not ready to get too close to any new partners and any children.

When my mother was alive Christmas meant we always had extra room at our table. Sometimes it was people who had no family of their own, or whose family had recently broken down or people who would just pop by to visit and stay when my mother found out they had no other plans.

People that my mother knew years ago would just drop in and stay. We didn’t lock our front door so that people could just walk in.

After she died I found myself being the extra person at my grandmother’s table along with her neighbour who had nowhere else to go.

I think it’s sad that you are only thinking of yourself. Your brother’s new girlfriend might not be around after Christmas - she might even have plans and not want to come. But I think your position on this issue doesn’t make you a good person. You never know when you might be the odd person at someone else’s table.

Sorry OP but I'm a bit baffled. What exactly are you afraid might happen if that lady turns up with her daughter ? If you're hosting that many people you'll barely have time to talk to her anyway. And inviting her doesn't mean you have to be besties.

Maybe he'll break up with her in a few weeks, so what ? Inviting her isn't the same as getting close to her or becoming friends.

I just don't see any big reason not to let her come, assuming she even wants to.

This x 💯

Someone always gets to the heart of the matter.

The usual twerpty shouting about "eexccccllluuussssiiiooonnn" literally every gathering in the entire planet excludes most of the other people planet, and that's normal

What's "twerpty"? Very strange take on the meaning of exclusion. By your reasoning, the very concept of exclusion/inclusion doesn't exist in any context. In reality, I think most adults can understand there's a difference between excluding "most of the other people (on the) planet", and excluding a family member's girlfriend, irrespective of our views on this specific situation.

She's not afraid of anything. She disapproves of the way her brother conducts himself in relationships involving children and she wants to use Christmas as an opportunity to demonstrate this to him and his girlfriend.

No, I didn't know what you meant because neither twerpty nor twerpy are real words. And this similarly childish reply doesn't mean anything either - "you already read my post and know why it's fine"? What does that even mean?

I agree that the girlfriend is not family. I agree that OP doesn't have to host anybody if she doesn't want to. I was commenting on your nonsensical rationale.

Inviting his girlfriend for Christmas dinner in no way involves her in any "hassles". She just disapproves. Which is her prerogative but then she should just have the courage of her convictions instead of inventing silly reasons like "I feel uncomfortable around children I don't know".

No advice about Xmas day other then to speak to your brother.
They’re practically living together already and they both have multiple children with multiple ex partners? I’d invite her as she’s going to win the mother of another niece or nephew in the new year at the latest .

*be not win

How is having some people over for lunch getting 'involved in more hassles'?

There's a lot of women on here who want to gatekeep their siblings' relationships now that they're married themselves. I wonder how they'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot and their spouses were unwelcome.

I don't see it as my place to police my family members' relationships even if I don't always agree with their decisions.

He should not have even met this child yet. There is no way she should be attending larger family events.

you also face the problem of gift opening. It’s not fair to children to have to sit through watching other children open nice presents while they are given some sort of token gift. A new child probably isn’t going to be included fully in the family gift exchange so an invite is going to be problematic.

This.

4 months (especially with kids) is nuts. I wasn’t invited to spend Christmas with DH’s family when we had been dating for 4 months!

@thesurreymum just because you’re hosting some family, doesn’t mean you need to host all—why does in-laws coming mean that you now must invite all of your family, their girlfriends, and their girlfriends’ toddlers?

My son comes to Christmas each year and usually brings his current girlfriend. I welcome them with open arms. They may or may not be my future daughter in law but anyone he brings will always be made very welcome.

You are being incredibly judgemental and rude by not inviting them. Why on earth would it be uncomfortable?

You're not being very kind.

I was responding to FastTurtles post. That sometimes happens in threads. Just like you are responding to mine. HTH.

Thank you for the feedback! It's given me food for thought. First of all, we are a blended family. Mum and her DH (not my dad) SIL is separated. So this isn't the issue.

DB and new GF/partner have 8 children between them from 5 different partners. I suppose I'm skeptical about it working and I have nieces and nephews that I have very little contact with due to my brother not having proper access to. Personally, if it was next Christmas and we had all met and built a relationship then I would be more than happy to host but just feels way to soon this year.

I will start by asking DB if he's made any plans yet and go from there.

I’ve got used over the years to, in the nicest possible way, randoms, at Christmas. Mostly from my dhs side of the family, his son is a serial (lovely) monogamist, so have had various of his girlfrienda and their kids over as well as his exes relatives…. Basically I’ve just gone with it. In your case I’d invite them all.

@thesurreymum why not just arrange to see them soon and get to know the new partner better? I understand the wariness in introducing children to new partners family too soon but at two they’re hardly likely to understand all that.

As you said, they may not even want to come but I can’t imagine wanting to exclude them based on pre judgement rather than being kind, supportive and welcoming. I don’t think it reflects well on you to be honest.

I think it’s really telling that someone would invite family for Christmas but exclude someone’s girlfriend because they’re not ready to meet them. It shows what kind of person they are. I’ve had christmases where it’s the first time I’ve met someone’s partner - it’s not a problem! Where’s your Christmas spirit?

Me too. I went for lunch and myself and partner went back to my home in the evening, That was 45 yrs ago and I have always had some form of open house at Christmas and we have had many unexpected guests over the years

Well I think if you ask your brother and he would like to come and also he would like it if she could come ,which would obviously include her two year-old cause I mean where is that child gonna go ,then I would be quite happy to accommodate them . I will see as I’m doing it for my brother because I care about him .