New bf saying he wouldn’t date someone who goes to the gym everyday

[Harrowe]

New bf of three months made an odd comment. I guess we’re all entitled to our preferences. But he said he wouldn’t date someone who goes to the gym everyday. He said it’s because it’s time consuming, excessive and vain.

I go to the gym three days a week but have definitely been an everyday person before and definitely kick up my workouts when I am carrying more weight or before a big event ie my brother’s wedding.

Is this weirdly controlling? I can definitely see myself hitting the gym everyday again in the future. It’s weirded me out.

red flag?

He goes for runs, participates in half marathons so it’s a bit odd

Not everyone who goes to the gym is obsessed by their appearance. There are any many reasons why people are gym goers.

Saying he has a preference is not controlling. Telling guy how many times a week you can go, is.

I’m kind of with him on the daily gym thing. I think its borderline obsessive and indicates that it’s going to take up a huge amount of time.

I wouldn’t necessarily rule someone out on that basis though and it seems overly prescriptive.

Frequent exercise is really healthy and (with an argument for a rest day if you’re working out intensely) daily exercise is great for physical and mental health. I do a mixture of running, swimming, gym classes and weights in the gym. I do know that some people perceive the gym specifically as being somehow more about vanity than other forms of exercise (I don’t think this is the case unless it’s obsessive weight lifting with steroids or something, but it definitely exists as a viewpoint). Is it the gym specifically that he objects to or daily exercise? If it’s the former, he may have a misconception about how most people use gyms, which is for physical and mental health. Dedicating an hour or so most days to exercise is a real positive as long as it’s not significantly driven by vanity alone (but then the person would be vain in other ways too and it wouldn’t just be a ‘gym’ issue).

It could be yes, it could be. He is setting his expectations for you. Depending on your dynamic you may now feel that you are not going to be free to decide how often you go to the gym in future if with him.

Whether we think it’s ok for someone to have a daily fitness hobby or whether this can be reasonable within a relationship as opposed to when single, or not, is a separate issue and contextual to a degree. There are times it may be fine and times it could be negatively impactful.

What stands out here is that he has a blanket position on this and it would apply to what you like doing but not what he likes doing.. Time consuming is probably true but excessive vain are his opinions - training for a marathon could be seen as time consuming excessive and also as vain if there is sponsorship and medals and personal bests and fancy kit involved lol.

Could it be that your interests and needs will always be seen as less ‘important’ than his? That he will undermine your choices and preferences with negative words which could really apply just as easily to his choice of exercise.

I think it depends on how much it effects the relationship especially if kids become a part of the equation.

it's 30-45 mins dropping in as part of a commute, that's far less intrustive than coming home and driving off for a lengthy session

Agree.

I wouldn’t date someone who gets up at 5am every day

What he means is he doesn’t like extremely vain women who feel they should go to the gym every day ?

What, for any reason? I would get up at 5 .50 for work if it wasn't the gym! Would work also be a no no ? I guess if you're a light sleeper and don't want to be disrupted !

I wouldn't date someone who goes to bed at 9 or 10pm every evening, because that affects ME and our ability to do things together, but how is 5am affecting you? That's weird.
As long as they let me sleep, I don't care 😁

@TheZanyZebraPresumably because they use the bathroom and a light to get dressed, or are noisy, or similar.

I wouldn't date a guy who went to the gym everyday. I find it tedious.

I don't think it's controlling. I would tend to feel the same tbh. Nothing wrong with someone going to the gym, but going every single day would suggest that it's a major part of their life, and that they are very focused on their appearance and fitness, likely at the expense of other interests and of time spent together. There are only so many hours in the day. Personally, I would prefer someone who had interests in common with me and who I had things to talk about with, and (perhaps unfairly) I would think that was less likely with someone who was very into the gym.
So, I don't think him having a preference like that is a red flag in itself, but it could be a sign of incompatibility. I would try talking to him about it; see what he says.

I actually can’t believe the responses here on this. !!
’ Excessive & vain ‘ ..🙄..
Firstly, no he’s not being controlling, he’s expressing a preference & that’s ok too ..
I can understand partners not liking it if they’re left at home to manage kids , dinner , housework 7 days a week , that’s not fair ..
That’s not your case though , I can’t see the problem in you going to gym every day , I presume you don’t stay for hours , it’s exercising & it’s good for the body & mind ..
I can’t see how it’s a deal breaker for someone 🙄..
If you want to go to the gym every day , go to the gym !
If he’s going to finish things over it , let him off cause it’s a pretty ridiculous reason to finish a relationship in all fairness !!

Agree. I am a light sleeper, always have been but I typically go back to sleep.

I could tell you who woke up to use the loo by footsteps in the middle of the night growing up and they were walking on carpet.

It only got worse after having children.

but that has nothing to do with going to the gym or starting work early, it's being rude and inconsiderate.

You can be just as rude at 8am, and that's a no for me.

I don't think it's controlling. But it has made me appreciate my husband, who never complains about my 5-day a week training. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, and do 1 morning cross fit session, and 1 morning HYROX session.

We have masses of time together still, and Friday and Saturday evenings are always free for socialising.

But each to their own I guess.

You find it tedious if the person you live with is away from you for an hour or so a day to do some exercise? Or do you mean that what you actually find tedious is people who bang on about their workouts? Because those are two different things.

It's interesting how many comments are suggesting that people who go to the gym are doing so for the sake of vanity.

I go for my health, strength and mobility (because I've watched my 70-something mum melt and crumple before my eyes), because I love listening to loud music whilst I move my body, and because it makes me feel totally alive and BUZZING! And it keeps my anxiety in check.

The fact it gives me a body that I like the look of comes as a nice side effect.

But most people sit and watch a couple of hours of mindless tv each night, or scroll their phone (I'm doing both right now!)
Finding an hour for exercise, when you don't have young kids, is no big deal and surely something to be encouraged?

I'm with her. I'm a night owl, I go to sleep about 1ish, I wake up about 8.30 to get to work for 9.

Someone who got up at 5 would be massively incompatible with me. Even if they were quiet as a mouse, they'd still be going to bed earlier than me, we'd get very little time together in the evenings. It just wouldn't work.

Yes Exactly !
I’ve never heard such crap in all my life .
OPS bf with his ‘ I wouldn’t date someone who goes to the gym every day ‘ 🙄..

I don’t like this attitude because I think often it speaks to a dislike of people looking after themselves, wanting nice things for themselves, and spending their time doing things that feel good.
some people think there is nobility in denying yourself, and that having fun and enjoying life is a kind of selfish vanity.

these are not my people.

I'm a regular runner and run 3-4 times a week. If I had the time to go to the gym on non running days, it would improve my mental health so much.

It's not appearance driven (although I do appreciate the side effect) but by feeling strong and fit. But I wouldn't date someone who wasn't interested in taking care of their health. And I definitely couldn't' date someone who wasn't active.

Fortunately, I'm married because, at 57, there are very few active, fit men my age 😃

A friend of mine competes in Ironman competitions which mean a minimum of 16 hours training a week! I'd love to do a triathlon but not that sort of distance.

If gym was treated more like play and less like "work", I think many people would find the idea more agreeable.

It's the oddly self-righteous vanity that goes with expressions like "work-outs", "no gain without pain" etc. that's off-putting.

As for weight loss, a sensible weight loss diet is of course far more important than busting a gut in the gym.

When he probably goes out for a runs 5-7 days a week, especially when he's training for an event?