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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL hijacking dinner

107 replies

OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:00

Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 29/10/2025 08:02

‘They’ve already had a party and a cake, let’s keep this to the family gathering we had planned’ thanks and bye.

just say no op.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 29/10/2025 08:04

Or.. if he does produce a cake for his twins, let him finish the happy birthday song, then pop some candles on your cake for your DS and sing for him.

HangryBlueCritic · 29/10/2025 08:07

Make your own cake as planned and dedicate it to your own DS before he can do the same?

Long term just stop attending or inviting to dinners so close to your children’s birthdays in future to avoid the same thing happening.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/10/2025 08:08

Why do you keep inviting people who never invite you?

Your BIL had a birthday party for his twins and he could have invited your family to celebrate, but he didn't. He doesn't get to use your dinner party as another birthday celebration for his children.

B1anche · 29/10/2025 08:08

If it's just a cake then does it matter? Have your normal gathering plus 10 mins max singing happy birthday and eating cake.

My DP has a big family and if a gathering is near a birthday someone might bring a cake. It's never occurred to me to be upset about it.

Firefly100 · 29/10/2025 08:09

Personally I’d suck this one up (but make sure your 9 yo is included in the belated birthday wishes if BIL does it). Then I would think ahead going forwards and not organise a get together anywhere around his family’s birthdays.
Given he never invites you, I’d also be tempted to organise some extra activities with just SIL’s family at times.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/10/2025 08:15

The easiest solution is to stop arranging get togethers near the twins birthdays or just invite SIL and family (who you seem to like and have a reciprocal relationship with)

In terms of this event. I would be considering "having norovirus" and rescheduling for sometime in Dec or Jan - let SIL and BIL work it out themselves.

If you want to go ahead.... prempt it and on arrival loudly announce you have made a birthday cake for your son and rhe twins (just your son is petty)
Then I'd make 2 smaller cakes (one for twins and one for son) you can eat the twins cake for dessert and then give SIL one to take away.

GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 08:16

Just don’t let him near your cake until it’s on the table and you are slicing into it. Bring it out to the table announcing that you know it’s SIL’s favourite so you baked it especially for her.

If he tries to get near it with candles or whatever, look bemused and say “they had their party and cake last week didn’t they?”.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/10/2025 08:17

if he does bring a cake, whisk it away and stash it till after everyone's had the meal that you, the host, planned to serve.

when you bring it out*, make a big point about it being for all three birthday children, and offer the candles to your ds to blow out first (as he's the oldest, and his bday was first) then relight them for the twins?! that should teach him!

(* covering it with clingfilm first, to avoid the saliva-on-cake problem = genius idea i saw on here a while ago)

ps: the cake you make yourself, which is being served as part of the meal, can just be cut in the kitchen, and brought to the table as individual portions.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:17

Thanks for all responses.

Timing is due to the half term break as our DC normally have lots of clubs/activities/parties at the weekend and we’re usually very busy. We had my family over last weekend for the same reason.

DH hasn’t seen his family for a while and wanted to have them all over. I don’t have a problem with that generally as he does all the cooking.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 29/10/2025 08:20

I would totally do candles for my ds, bring the cake out and say luckily bil reminded me! we did the twins at sils and ds hasn’t had a family birthday! And light them and start singing.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:20

GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 08:16

Just don’t let him near your cake until it’s on the table and you are slicing into it. Bring it out to the table announcing that you know it’s SIL’s favourite so you baked it especially for her.

If he tries to get near it with candles or whatever, look bemused and say “they had their party and cake last week didn’t they?”.

I like this idea!

OP posts:
aWeeCornishPastie · 29/10/2025 08:23

Yes he is hijacking it and sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. Not really sure why your being so accommodating to them in the first place

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:24

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/10/2025 08:17

if he does bring a cake, whisk it away and stash it till after everyone's had the meal that you, the host, planned to serve.

when you bring it out*, make a big point about it being for all three birthday children, and offer the candles to your ds to blow out first (as he's the oldest, and his bday was first) then relight them for the twins?! that should teach him!

(* covering it with clingfilm first, to avoid the saliva-on-cake problem = genius idea i saw on here a while ago)

ps: the cake you make yourself, which is being served as part of the meal, can just be cut in the kitchen, and brought to the table as individual portions.

Edited

I like this too! Think he’s unlikely to bring a cake as DH has told him not to- just hijack mine and bring candles etc. So I think making the point that it’s my DS’s birthday too (even though it’s not really anyone’s birthday) may be the way forward.

Oh- just saw the edit! I like this idea too- just cut it and serve it rather than a big performance. Only issue is that we usually ask if everyone is ready for/wants tea/cake but there’s nothing to stop me just cutting a couple of slices in advance…

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 29/10/2025 08:32

YANBU. Doing one shared birthday cake for twins is crap anyway! Make the cake you want to make and be ready to stick 9 candles on it for your DS to blow out if BIL turns up with one for his kids.

TwinklyNight · 29/10/2025 08:34

Ditch the cake idea to be safe. You and your ds can make cupcake versions, with a picture of his face on every one of them. 😀

Noshowlomo · 29/10/2025 08:37

Haha yea get an edible photo of your son and put it on your cake. That’s not for the twins !

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:37

I understand all the queries about why we’re even inviting BIL. It’s because DH wants to invite them and see his nephews.

I don’t mind this and I’m not bothered about the lack of reciprocal invitation.

It’s the potential hijacking, ignoring of my DS and using the dinner for his own purposes that I have an issue with.

Appreciate that we could have timed it better but this weekend worked for us.

OP posts:
GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 08:38

TwinklyNight · 29/10/2025 08:34

Ditch the cake idea to be safe. You and your ds can make cupcake versions, with a picture of his face on every one of them. 😀

This is a great idea 😂

Or on the day when BIL is faffing around with candles asking where the cake is… “oh I decided to make apple crumble and custard instead” and dish it up in the kitchen.

Allaboutthecats · 29/10/2025 08:42

Just let him bring his cake for the twins and you use your cake for your DS. Do three rounds of happy birthday. This isn't a big issue.

NewPhase23 · 29/10/2025 08:42

I can see why you're annoyed but I wouldn't begrudge some 6 year olds a birthday cake. Just find a way to work in all the birthdays and avoid this time of year in future, as someone else said.

tripleginandtonic · 29/10/2025 08:44

MellowPinkDeer · 29/10/2025 08:02

‘They’ve already had a party and a cake, let’s keep this to the family gathering we had planned’ thanks and bye.

just say no op.

This.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:45

Allaboutthecats · 29/10/2025 08:42

Just let him bring his cake for the twins and you use your cake for your DS. Do three rounds of happy birthday. This isn't a big issue.

I see your perspective. I guess my point is we just wanted to invite everyone over for dinner- we were not planning on celebrating anyone’s birthday.

BIL hadn’t arranged anything himself for his family but is now using our gathering to celebrate his twins and that’s annoyed me.

But I get it. So I need to either just use the cake as a dessert as planned and serve it OR find a way to celebrate all 3 DC.

And avoid this time of year in the future.

OP posts:
Velvian · 29/10/2025 08:46

Make the cake @OneBlueOnePink and stick some candles in it for your DS, let BIL bring the cake and candles for his DSs. All 3 boys can have a happy birthday from their family.

I understand BIL may be PFB and superior about his DSs, but this is a bit petty and not the issue. BIL's boys have gad their birthdays celebrated as he has suggested it and brought a cake, you and DH should do the same for your DCs.

1willgetthere · 29/10/2025 08:49

You can never have too much cake in my opinion, there are 12 people, just let them bring it and then people have a choice of desert or the option for 2 slices!