BIL hijacking dinner

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Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

Yep, hide the cake until it's time to bring it in, then make a big deal of you having made it for SIL.

If he arrives bearing candles etc, simply say that you understood that the twins had already had their birthday party, and the cake was made for SIL

Pre cut and plate the cake. And make sure you have a 9 candle to shove in ds slice if bil brings candles (bonus points if you get number candles for everyone’s age!)

Thanks all. This has helped. I think I’ll have to celebrate all three boys if BIL does hijack (will attempt just to serve cake as planned without any birthday hoopla) and just make sure my DS isn’t left out.

All this cake talk has made me super hungry for cake now…

”We’ve had quite a few birthdays recently so here’s a cake to celebrate ds, dn and dn”

I think i would of said “no need to bring cake ds9 celebrated his birthday & so did the twins already didnt they?”

Yes I would bring it out with loads of candles and say it’s for this “birthday month”. Don’t let it wind you up and ruin your day.

I think you're being a bit horrible. I'm not really sure what you're getting worked up about. You are all meeting up near to all the kids' birthdays. I'd just do a cake/ cupcake for each of them. Personally, I think you should celebrate when you can because life is too short. If BIL has done this before, leave your kid out, then in the future, make sure your kid isn't left out.

Do you have to keep inviting BIL and his family? Can't you just drop the rope and start leaving them out, just like they're happy to leave you out?

They are your nephews. I would want to sing Happy Birthday to my 6 year old nephews. Why not get the family to sing Happy Birthday to your son at the same time. I am sure all 3 children would enjoy it.

I’d get your dh to say “how about we come to yours for cake instead one day soon?”

I think you are being a little bit serious about this, I think I would pre cut the cake and put a candle in each of the kids’ slices so they have something to blow out.

To all the people berating the OP for not wanting to celebrate her nephews birthday I think you're missing the point.

The OP is quite rightly pissed off with her BIL for never hosting himself but repeatedly hijacking events hosted by others for his own benefit. I didn't know why you'd think that was OK?

OP I think given that your dh, who is going to be cooking for everyone and whose family it is, has tried to shut it down but has now said to leave it you have to respect his wishes though. Although it would piss me off too! And if he did try to hijack your cake I'd definitely make sure your ds is also celebrated.

I’d reframe this away from your BIL and swing towards “there’s 3 family birthdays to celebrate”. I’d stick a 6, 6 and 9 candle on the cake you were already going to make and use that. Take back control and focus on the children, not your BIL.

It's a bit of cake and maybe a song with family for goodness sake. Nothing is being hijacked. All this mentioning of "celebrating" the twins is just hyperbolic nonsense.

Are they going to be paraded around your neighbourhood on golden thrones with people doffing their caps and strewing rose petals? No, you're just having a bit of cake after dinner.

When you talk about 'hijacking' cake and 'using your celebration' for his twins, what else will this entail beyond singing happy birthday?

It's just a cake. It doesn't matter. Does your DS want another cake? You can make an extra one for him and do happy birthday again or just let BIL crack on. It'll be over in seconds and mean nothing to anyone else

covering it with clingfilm first, to avoid the saliva-on-cake problem = genius idea i saw on here a while ago
This isn't a genius idea. It's a weird prissy idea perpetuated by obsessive germphobes and if I ever saw it in real life I'd roll my eyes inside out.

YANBU at all. Message BIL and say it would upset your 9yo so he can’t do this.

It does matter to OP. You are not the arbiter of what matters.

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

Take this as a sign to stop inviting this prick of a BIL to your house.

Yeah, and it's AIBU so I think she is U to let it bother her. That's the point of the thread and really the entire board.

I can't imagine having family members round near a celebration day and not wanting to acknowledge it. Your having family round for a fun time, a little birthday cake should be enjoyable, I really don't get your issue.

Just have a joint cake for all the birthdays. Job done.

As with previous PP’s I would be clear about saying no, I would also hide the cake and bring out slices without pre empting it (avoid any sneaky candles).

If he still wants to jump on and throw out a happy birthday I would say no, this cake is for SIL, then bring out 3 cupcakes (held in reserve) to celebrate all three children. I would make a very clear comment on the fact your DS has recently had a birthday, as a reminder (does he even pay attention to anyone’s birthdays apart from his own DC? Maybe he needs constant reminding).

But I am quite petty.

It’s the fact he ignores your DS (again - has he ever bothered to remember?) that would annoy me.

It’s a good idea.

I think your DH does need to tell his brother that when he said you’re baking a cake, he didn’t mean a birthday cake, as it’s not a birthday celebration, just a dinner.

The three little cupcakes for the three children is nice though