BIL hijacking dinner

[OneBlueOnePink]

Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

Cheeky fuckers eh

Let him bring his cake.

Oh no!! You tripped and dropped it carrying it from the kitchen…

Job done.

@OneBlueOnePink Make your cake, then also make some iced cupcakes, then bring three of them out with candles for the 3 children who have had birthdays.

Make it clear to your BIL that twins should NOT have to share a cake, so this way they all get their own individual cake with candle, can blow out their own candle, then eat the cake they slobbered over. Sorted!

I would cut the cake up to serve and put a candle in each piece of cake for the three birthday boys. And an extra decoration. Serve everyone else's’ as normal

Drop all the petty adult-centred drama and just make it about the kids. Singing happy birthday and eating cake at the end of a meal doesn't turn an entire dinner into a birthday party and wishing children happy birthday isn't a zero-sum game.

Redirect the BIL's suggestion so that it includes all three children with their birthdays this week (be a little pointed about wanting to include all three). Suggest he brings a cupcake for all of the DC present (state a number) and the birthday children can have a candle and everyone can either sing "happy birthday to our cousins" or just skip the singing and you'll be making a cake for the adults or you offer to make both if you're already going to and enjoy the baking. Then just focus on family getting to spend 2 minutes reminding three young children that they're glad to know them.

"Let two 6 year-olds think their family is about to celebrate them with cake then intentionally drop the cake on the floor in front of them"

Awesome stuff

This
Seriously. Why does it matter?

I would probably say something like "If you wanted us to celebrate the twins birthday you should have invited us to their party" But that's just me, I'm quite direct because I don't like being stepped on or taken advantage of.

Bil is a Grade A wanker.

Just tell him if he wants to have a celebration with a birthday cake for the twin's birthday then he should host a dinner. Your dinner is to celebrate your darling child.

I can’t believe what spiteful measure some grown adults are suggesting to avoid two 6 year olds having 5 minutes for happy birthday

If needs really must line all 3 kids up and say we’ve had some birthdays in the last month and sing to all 3

for the life of me I can’t see the drama

grown adults on here suggesting dropping the cake and sabotaging it that would create more drama and take away more from what must be the equivalent of “ hyacinth’s candle light suppers “

Dear lord, just celebrate both. My mother's birthday is 10 days before mine, my cousibs 2 days after. I always shared family birthday celebrations with them, and it never once bothered me. Another cousin was the same birthday as my dad. So we would celebrate both. None of us ever were upset about it. Maybe you're the one who needs to grow up and learn to share.

Right? In my family and extended family we'd use the opp to sing happy birthday to anyone with a recent or upcoming bday. Not for score keeping and grudges. JFC, let it go and enjoy dinner with your loved ones.

It is a bit unusual but hardly a celebration, will be singing happy birthday. Will take about 2 mins of the evening. Do it for your ds too if it bothers you or ds.

That’s the odd thing for me. That he had a celebration for his children’s birthday and didn’t invite you and your family. His own brother??. Surely if he tries to make a big deal of their birthday now you can reply that you would have said happy birthday to them at their party if you’d been invited but you weren’t. And that birthday is now over.

picture the scene where I work..

teacher- anyone had or got birthday coming up ?

any kid who has/had would stand up

we’d all sign happy birthday dear, bob george Kenny sally Julie…. With much hilarious laughter trying to sing all the names in time to the happy birthday dear bob george Kenny Sally Julie which is just two musical beats/note 🎵

i understand the irritation, but let it go … you’ve many more birthdays to go.

This ⬆️

does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if you sing happy birthday to 3 children at a family gathering for a couple of minutes.
happens all the time in our large family and it’s never occurred to me to be upset.
It’s not like he’s asking you to provide a birthday cake .

I think a few minutes celebrating (all 3) children's birthdays is a lovely thing to do and doesn't interfere in any way with the rest of the gathering. Kids won't want this sort of fuss soon enough....enjoy it while you can, get some photos.

Lighten up!

Surprised at the responses, I couldn’t get worked up about this, I’d just say, sure let’s do it for all the kids shall we, I will bake. No biggie.

How will you enjoy the day if it is spent scheming stay one step ahead of BIL and his evil hijack plans?

Change your outlook to his: “ how lovely to be able to say happy birthday to all the younger cousins together with their aunts and uncles”.

It’s just one small part of the day / dinner.

All this suspicion and resentment must be exhausting. Choose fun and joy and enjoy your cake!

I suppose you could bake some cupcakes and put candles in them at the end for all the birthday kids? Or not. I personally wouldn't because it's been 2 weeks now and it's not their birthday now. Just slice up half the cake, then serve it when it's time to.

A cannot imagine a family who don’t want to celebrate children’s birthdays.

I think it’s a lovely idea!

I think most are missing the point. It’s not the celebration of his twins birthday thats the problem, it’s the fact they weren’t invited to any parties, they were completely left out, and now BIL wants to use this get together as another party of sorts, even though his twins birthday was weeks ago. No mention of OPs son who also recently had a birthday.
Correct me if I’m wrong OP

I haven't missed that point. I just still don't see why it's worth getting upset about or doing something to make a point. So he wants an extra cake. Let him have it, roll your eyes at the fuss and move on. Not worth the headspace.

You could go NC, or just stop worrying about such a minor thing! Bil cake can be for all 3 kids, maybe as you only see them twice a year, you're probably getting angry about something he doesn't even realise. Go ahead and make your cake, choice is good and everyone is happy.

If you don't want to enjoy, but merely tolerate a family gathering, don't have one.