BIL hijacking dinner

[OneBlueOnePink]

Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

Better idea. Get one 6 candle and one 9 candle and watch everyone try not to laugh

If the BIL is that desperate for “just a bit of cake and a song with family”… well, he could have invited them all to the twins party last week .

I mean to be holding on to a family member bringing cake to celebrate his twins two tears ago is really petty. You could’ve brought cake celebrate your DS?
I wouldn’t mind him bringing cake to celebrate his twins this time round either tbh

Your husband sounds like a complete doormat.
They had a large party for their twins and didn't invite you, but now tries to hijack your dinner?

He knows your husband is a soft mug.
Yanbu to want to push back.

You risk looking massively petty if you object. Just go with it and include your DS. The kids will love it and everyone will enjoy the cake. Life is too short to fall out over something so small. It's a FAMILY gathering. It's not all about you.

🤣 Yes, do this!

I couldn’t cope with the drama the kids are 6
when he arrives with it tell him you’ll do it it after you’ve all eaten it will take 5 minutes hardly hi jack the evening

honestly it move of an effort to sabotage it then just let the twins have 5 minutes

life is to short

birthday cake for kids your cake for adults

I couldn’t get worked up over this one OP! I have twins, and my niece is a year younger with a birthday 3 weeks later. In a similar scenario we’d just sing happy birthday to all 3 if we were all together and move on. It’s little kids birthdays, it’ll take 20 seconds, don’t let it cause an issue!

Why dont you suggest the cake is a birthday cake for you DC as well as his twins? That way no one if left out and you can have a mini celebration of all the birthdays post dinner.

It’s just some candles and a song for two small children. Which will take 30 seconds. It’s not a gathering for them
Go with the flow. You say your DH is a great host… a big part of that is about how you make people feel in your home.

Yes... make sure your DS's birthday is acknowledged whatever happens. Its so rubbish of your BIL to do this and domineeering to hijack your invitation efforts and turn it into a celebration for his twins, whilst completely ignoring your son.

I think I'd say.. we can have your cake later at the end. This is actually a gathering to celebrate my son's birthday as I wanted to make sure he had a party with family present.

Do you think they will bring your DS a present?

Although @Cymbalsimba does have a good point about the kids.

Make a pavlova and watch him try to stick his candles in that?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable! I can see you don't want your DS left out - but just have 3 rounds of happy birthday and one cake for all 3 that you make as "we've had family birthdays so lets celebrate them all together". Have it with a cuppa later in the day if what you've organised for dessert doesn't work.

In our family we would definitely be using it as an opportunity to acknowledge any recent birthday, especially for children. It doesn’t mean that the whole occasion is a birthday meal - just a ‘isn’t it lovely we’re all together, and also happy belated birthday DS/DTs’. I get that it isn’t what is commonly done in your family, but I don’t really get (a) begrudging some children an extra happy birthday/candles/cake, especially when conveniently it can include your DS so it isn’t just all about two kids you perhaps feel get centred/spoilt (?) and (b) being precious over the exact purpose of the meal - they all know you’re kindly hosting a meal for the wider family, not a birthday party for the twins.

Is there more to this than you’re actually letting on or are you just being pathetic for the sake of it? BIL said he’d bring a cake because your nephews haven’t celebrated with family, your DH told him not to surely that’s the end of it. Unless he still turns up with a cake but why stress over something that might not even happen! What did BIL say when DH told him not to bring cake?

You’re being quite petty tbh. If my BIL mentioned bringing a cake to celebrate my nephews I’d probably just say “no problem I’ll also get one for my child cos their birthday has also just passed and they’d enjoy it as well”…. Kids get a happy birthday and everyone gets desert.

This, I find this whole thing baffling, it's such a non event. All this talk of hiding cake and strategically planning keeping someone away from a cake and announcing a cake as if the presence of cake is a huge event. Feel like I'm visiting earth from mars reading this thread.

Unless he's turning up expecting party games and a clown and the entire day to revolve around his kids I honestly don't see taking five minutes to sing happy birthday and eat cake as hijacking the entire dinner party. I think that'd only be the case if the party had been specifically planned for something else, but it hasn't so... Why does it matter so much?

Do you exchange presents for the childrens birthdays? Is he fishing for birthday gifts for the twins?

I’d be tempted to pre cut cake.

Lots of fancy stuff on your DS cake including candle. Then just a boring 1 candle on each of your DN slice.

I forgot to add this 😂

If it was on the day of the birthday then yeah, but a week after and they've already had a party? Nope, there's no need for it.

Its not a big deal. Make a cake for your 9 year old too.

@OneBlueOnePink Make one HUGE number 9 cake for your DS, light ALL 9 big candles and bring it in with massive fanfare...allow the nephews a modest slice.

Maybe also get 9 v bangy fireworks to let off outside? - I have cats and they're fully on board with this😹

Dunno, but you just have to do something to piss of your BIL as he sounds like a complete and utter tool.

edited, you could spell out your DS name in candles...as long as it isn't Nathaniel or Christopher - all that melted wax will ruin the icing or set off the smoke alarm.🎂

You could just find a nice pub or restaurant that will do you a table for 12, invite 10 people and cover the bill? You’d get the cosy lunch vibes you want at a vaguely affordable price point.

Really? You would begrudge a child having their family sing happy birthday to them because you clearly don’t like their father? How strange. In our family all people (adults and children alike) would have a cake and happy birthday sung at the closest gathering to their birthday, even if we then ended up with two cakes and two lots of singing. I find it more weird you’re not already planning this for your child too.

I don’t really think it’s a big deal. There are three kid birthdays in my family in one month, and if we happen to be all together within a month ish of then we chuck some candles on and they share blowing out some candles - spread out the birthday fun. They’ve all individually celebrated with family either before or will be a week or so later. It’s not like your family meet up is going to turn into a kids party with an entertainer and balloons everywhere. I think it’s nice to share cake and candles, but should be for all the birthday kids.

it’s your event though and if you’re entitled to put your foot down if you want to.