I got my dream job but…

[Rearing2go]

As the title says, I got my dream job but house plans have fallen through and now I will be unemployed.

Im in a ldr with Bf, he rents off family at a cheaper price. Our plan was I move to his country (few hours away) ready to pack everything up everything is planned. Fm doesn’t want me to move into house with no reasoning just only family renting.

House rent is unbelievable dear , I don’t know if I can leave now but I’m unemployed as I’ve quit job and can’t take back. This has put a strain on relationship.

Aibu to give up support system and take job and we find a place but struggle (not sit comfortably now)
Or should I stay with support system and finally go it alone (houses are cheaper here) but still do ldr which is hard but works

That was what I thought at first. But the more she writes the more I think no, the move was always mainly about the bloke, not the job.

OP you're the captain of of your soul & all that. The main thing is that you make your choice for yourself, not for him.

I see what you’re saying @Doughtie but she’s already given up her existing job and has the new one … I’m only suggesting because of the job situation to kind of salvage something. At least then giving up the job wouldn’t be entirely for nothing. It’s a rotten situation for OP … 100% her choice

I think you can do this op. It’s your dream job, don’t let him take that from you. It sounds like your family aren’t miles away.

Have faith in yourself - you got this!

The house shares are a fraction of the prices in Dublin OP. Why don't you try apply for some of them today? And make your decision if you can get a place? I wouldn't continue this relationship though OP, he doesn't have your back. Down the line if your had DC this would be a nightmare.

I wouldn't advise any course of action that makes you too reliant on your boyfriend. He does not appear to be prioritising your relationship.

Definitely agree to give it a go in Longford and you can start looking for a job back in Belfast or wherever suits you if you hate it. You’ve already quit your job and you live at home there so you’ve nothing to lose really? As you can go back home if you hate it.

From what you've said, I don't think you have even the support of one person. I reckon if that you needed your bf in a moment of crisis, said FM would feign illness or something to prevent him from coming to you. He doesn't seem to stand up to them at all.

In the future if you were to have children together, I wonder if said FM would exert influence over this too.

Only you can know if this relationship is one you want to pursue, but if you were to marry him, you would be marrying his family too.

So my feeling is you need to decide if you want to go for your dream job, but if so, do it all alone with only distant support from your own family whilst living in shared accommodation near your new job.

So bf met with df today to talk about everything because I had said I wanted to end relationship and he started to “show up” but I was still decided on walking away.
after there meeting again It’s been thrown in my face about the messages between me and dm and how I was out of line and how I’ve ruined everything by confronting dm and how I’ve made it so much harder.
this is obviously hurting because I made a mistake in the heat of the moment out of anger and hurt and this is the entire focus on how I’ve fucked up. Held my hands up and apologised (no response) but again bf doesn’t see how the situation is being manipulated. Of course no matter what I say, I’m the worst in the world

Ok. Let's try to get straight to the heart of this. Your boyfriend is not prepared to stand up to his domineering family over this issue. He'd rather put you in the awful position of moving to a new country to start a new job, knowing you have no home lined up and will struggle to rent somewhere by yourself. He'd rather see you have to manage all that, than move out of his cushy subsidised place provided by his family. And he's scared to put you first and confront his family over this in case they cut him off altogether.

I think you should see this as having dodged a bullet, frankly. If this is what living in his country and living with the daily glare of his family's disapproval is going to be like, then you are better off staying where you are. Tell your boyfriend the options are as follows:

He moves to be where you are.
He moves out of his family's place and rents somewhere with you.

If he makes excuses about why he can't do either then you have your answer. Walk away.

Oh my sweet lord, do NOT move to be near him. Run, run for the hills! Find someone nearby without all those weird baggage. There must be many amazing men in belfast. Find one of them. I love Belfast and wouldn't leave that area for this absolute wet wipe of a man

where is your dream job? Why are you unemployed if you landed your dream job? I am not following.
If you do not have a job, I would came back to the UK, stay with family and find work and take it from there.

I don't associate Longford with a dream anything! Good luck OP. Make good choices.

I’ll say again - if anything @Rearing2go you only needed to apologise for any rudeness/how you said it, not what you said (although frankly given what you’ve said I think they have a cheek). Everything else might be something they don’t want to be responsible for but how about looking at what his DM (think you said that) did:

• waited until you moved all your stuff
• waited until you left your job
• made you homeless at the latest possible moment
• complained that you stood up for yourself at this point

and BF and his bloody DM are still blaming you?

NOPE. Not on you. Tell them to sling their hook then block (once you get your stuff back)

Consider letting them think you’re still taking the job even though I think you’ve decided not to.

Fuming on your behalf.

The bitch knew what she was doing, she was probably hoping you would blow up as you have so she is the victim, you are the horrible person who verbally attacked her (whilst of course glossing over the provocation), darling son (first born or only son by any chance?) will go to the defence of his Mammy as has been trained into him since birth and you go "fuck this shit" and walk away. She wins.

Except that you also win because you are not saddled to her toxicity anymore.

The only person who loses here is your ex because he knows no better. She guilts him, controls him, manipulates him because no woman should ever replace her in his life. Poor sod will probably never marry or have kids because of her and will end up lonely and alone. Not his fault, as far as he is concerned this is normal. If you can do one thing for your ex its to recommend that he gets therapy to see just how bad this situation is.

Apparently I was very harsh and hurt her

This I know, I said to bf there is playing the victim and then there is her playing the victim, and she probably won’t get over it for a year, and how I’m supposed to bend over backwards to do that which I was told, well I would do it for you

Also , it was said that WE bf and me shouldn’t have assumed it was ok for me to ‘just move in’ and so bf is also getting blamed for assumed I could move in.

and this again has only happened a week of moving

You couldn’t pay me to live in Roscommon or Longford but that’s just me: I’m sure there are lovely parts… Your BF is being ridiculous saying he only wants to stay in Ireland: it’s still the same island!! If he loved you enough, he would do it in a heartbeat (you are prepared to!) and it would be a bonus that it would get him out from under the thumb of his psycho-Mammy. This guy will clearly never put you first and if you move down and have kids with him, they will come under her control too because he has no boundaries with his family, plus it could be difficult to remove them from the jurisdiction if you later wanted to move home without him. Buy yourself a house near your own support network and find someone who isn’t beholden to their Mammy. Or give the job a go with a house-share and re-assess in a few months time. I would still vote to ditch him!

Edited to add: actually he could redeem himself by moving up North to be with you rather than her, if you can sort out jobs up there. No chance I would stay either him unless he starts putting you first pretty damn quick!!

@Rearing2go ‘very harsh and hurt her’? She’s managed to let you leave a job and jeopardise another because she dropped her little ‘surprise’ so late in the day. I bet ‘she didn’t mean it’ either. Of course she did. And if she didn’t she should be apologising to YOU.

Grrrr. Fuming.

I was sorry for your boyfriend but now I think leave him to it, he deserves her. You don’t deserve either of them.

I’m all in favour of apologising for being rude or hurtful in delivery. But even then you can make that distinction - “I’m sorry I snapped/called you a cow, but I am not sorry for being angry at how you have done x, y, z etc. Not only have you caused a huge inconvenience by back tracking but you’ve allowed this to go on until I’ve GIVEN UP MY JOB, moved my furniture, wasted new employer’s time etc etc do you not take one iota of responsibility for that? Where are your morals?’

Now I’m even more annoyed. Gah!

Stay put and if he wants to be with you he can move

Seems very risky for you to give up everything and only now discover the issue. Why were you the one doing the upheaval? Is it culturally different, language? Had your bf chosen to overlook the warning signs? He is choosing fm over you , not a great start to a life together. How did you meet and how much time have you really spent together? Perhaps best to realise this before you moved and have a chance to regroup, with or without him.

OP don't get involved with this pathetic mummies boy, you will never be the priority and he will always resent you if he does move in with you. Don't make the mistake i did, you've had a lucky escape IMO.

It sounds extremely deliberate by his mother.

Honestly OP, you have dodged a bullet.

Aha, it's clear he didn't really tell them what your plans were. He may have told you "Oh, it's all fine , I've sorted it out" and the implication was that there was no issue you moving over.
However, he seems somewhat spineless and could be a procrastinator when it comes to confrontations with this family member. So he just kept kicking the can down the road and then ran out of time. Cumulating in this mess.
This is who he is and you can't change it. When I first read your posts I thought you were both a decade younger than you are.

This is really hard @Rearing2go but he is who he is and please don't think you can change him long term. Heartbreaking for you too.
The ball is in his court now but I advise if you step back don't get dragged back into the to/fro of the LDR again. It's just postponing a similar situation further down the line

Thinking of you @Rearing2go. How are you doing? Did you have to make the decision on the job today or have you got a bit more time?

uodate @Doughtie

I contacted dream job today and asked could start date be pushed back, i knew it would be very unlikely but if you don’t ask you don’t know. It was unlikely but at least I know where I stand, and I’m actually very calm about everything having been able to process everything.

My new plan is , get a job up north, (I didn’t like my previous job, (nhs) but I stayed because I was moving but honestly I’ve wanted out for a while) and work the next few months towards getting what I’ve always wanted, a mortgage , my own home, on my own.

I feel like I was led up the garden path, but sometimes difficult times feel like they are breaking you but I’m putting this down to experience and it will all work out and get me to where I need to be which is very calming. Unfortunately I’ve been through hell over it but honestly it’s made me stronger.