I got my dream job but…

[Rearing2go]

As the title says, I got my dream job but house plans have fallen through and now I will be unemployed.

Im in a ldr with Bf, he rents off family at a cheaper price. Our plan was I move to his country (few hours away) ready to pack everything up everything is planned. Fm doesn’t want me to move into house with no reasoning just only family renting.

House rent is unbelievable dear , I don’t know if I can leave now but I’m unemployed as I’ve quit job and can’t take back. This has put a strain on relationship.

Aibu to give up support system and take job and we find a place but struggle (not sit comfortably now)
Or should I stay with support system and finally go it alone (houses are cheaper here) but still do ldr which is hard but works

Actually @Rearing2go I agree - telling you a week before you move is really a shitty thing to do. I might even wonder if it isn’t a last effort to break you up. Ok you lost it but you apologised for that - which is good of you - but you don’t have to retract what you said because leaving it this late is just a terrible thing. When did you actually finish work - it does sound like they waited until you’d burned your bridges with work.

With regard to your partner - I’m not surprised he’s torn but - he needs to make a choice of some kind. I don’t see how you can carry on if he doesn’t make some kind of stand for you … not least because you can’t afford the rent on your own.

You have the new job there - my suggestion is to discuss with him whether he is going to rent with you (in which case he needs to be proactive and find you both a place, quickly) and commit to splitting the bills (even if he doesn’t move in right away) and you might as well see how things go.

You also need him to be honest here - is he going to be controlled for ever (and lose you), or give things with you a go (even if it is a phased move after you’re in place).

You are out of the ‘old’ job now so you might as well try the new one if you can make it work practically - it might be your ‘next’ dream job.

(edited for typos)

Your partner should put his foot down as this has been planned for so long or he could move out with you. There are options but it seems he is leaving you high and dry.

Just an update.

I’ve said all I needed to say to bf in a calm and respectful way and that he hasn’t shown up for me , and the focus isn’t on what has happened to me but more on what I’ve said to family member out of hurt and that there is no concern for me but just concern of how family member is after I confronted and stood up for myself.

I’ve said that I need to walk away for myself because I’m not being shown “you’re there for me and have my back” which bf has told me. There doesn’t seem to be fight from him, only you’ve sent these message and I don’t want you to be perceived as someone your not, more thought about how I look to everyone now rather than what’s happened to me.
and so I have said about making arrangements for all of my stuff in the house ie, clothes and possessions, and that I don’t want to drag it out because I need to start healing process.

all replies have been gratefully received and I need to hear what I already know.

I will update on any other developments

Whereabouts in Ireland is the dream job, @Rearing2go ? Because if it’s in Dublin, and if it is really your dream job, I would concentrate on that aspect and find a flat/house share just for yourself, get settled in your new job and work things out with your boy-friend and his family once you have found your feet for yourself. From what I can gather, Dublin is a really great place to live and people seem to be very friendly, so I wouldn’t worry about not knowing anyone (I might be completely wrong, here, though, perhaps people who know more than I do could comment).
Good luck with your decision!
Sorry, I posted that before having read your latest post, but I think what I wrote still applies.

It does still apply. I’m an introvert so I wouldn’t be as confident making friends I don’t even know how to go about it. I’m scared of doing the flat share because either way, I’m going to be alone in a new country and a new job with no one and mentally I don’t know after everything going on I can. I think I’m going to have to give up job , as someone who does suffer from anxiety and mental health I worry about doing it alone when I have an amazing family who support me.
I could go it alone if I wanted to but now I’m thinking I’m being pushed into doing it alone and do I want to put myself in this situation if going it alone with no support system when my head is already messed up

I hear you, @Rearing2go . You know what is best for yourself. I wish you well in finding another job at home, as unfortunately your dream job has been scuppered by your boy-friend (is he an ex, now? I didn’t quite understand where you stand with him this morning.) and his family.

Yes I think he is an ex now, but nothing has been confirmed as in we haven’t officially broke up, but I’m just very numb right now and just done with the whole thing so I’m just trying to process my feelings without breaking down 😢

I’m sorry it has come to this @Rearing2go

Don’t make a decision on the new job yet - as other posters have said, if you feel able I bet you could find a houseshare and it might be great. It is early to make a decision and while I understand of course you need to let them know, don’t rush to close that door without giving yourself time.

Some companies have places they let - mine does. They might even have an approved list, if you let them know your accommodation fell through (don’t need to give the whole story).

I know it probably feels like everything has gone wrong but do take your time - you have had to make a few big decisions already and you’re doing amazingly keeping so steady.

The thing is, I have to let them know by tomorrow as I am supposed to bring all my documents with me and probably find out when training starts so time isn’t on my side which makes it even shitty because bfs family member knows exactly this and when to drop the bombshell and yes probably to break us up which she has successfully done.

OP I think you've done the right thing.
I was in a similar position and moved across the country for a man who was tied to his family and living in one of their properties (on their road).
His family controlled him and I wasted years waiting for him to grow some balls and have my back. He promised me the world, but these men never change.

@Rearing2go so you are already in Ireland then? Where have you been staying if not with the bf? So sorry this has happened to you but if he is not going to prioritise you and your relationship then he is not worth any of this.

@Rearing2go oh so they do know exactly what they were doing. Controlling in the extreme. I can see why your BF is struggling but it is also on him to summon up strength and make changes (or not).

Since you have to let the employer know soon, depending if there’s a particular person you’ve been dealing with, how would you feel about disclosing some of what’s happened? They might be willing to give you more time. I would, if you were the person I’d chosen for a job. It might just allow you to let the dust settle, or they might be able to help you make it happen, if you decide to try.

Your family will still be able to support you, you won’t be that far away, it just feels like that when you’re in the middle of what is actually an emotional crisis. Talk to everyone, don’t make a reactive decision - always take even just 30 minutes to mull over each point.

I know this isn’t a reason to choose to try the new job, but the family member would be peed off if you make a go of it anyway!

You are honestly doing so well with this!

Just to clarify because I know there are a lot of responses on location.

Bf is in Roscommon and I’m in the north past Belfast.
Im living at home because before bf I was at home to save for a mortgage, I have my savings and I can buy a house in the north but not in Ireland as prices are ridiculous.
I will struggle on my own after I pay bills but that’s ok I have my own home.
I was willing to give all that up for bf who has stated he wishes to stay in Ireland

Is the job in Roscommon then too?

No Longford , so about half an hour up the road

Ah yes I was just thinking if a bit closer the other way you could take the job for now and commute but not ideal either. I have to rush back to work but just found this, not sure if any use to you. Main Street, Granard, Co. Longford - Property.ie

OP, you have made the right decision.
He is a manchild under the control of his family.
Impossible to have any real respect for such a weak man.

Sounds like the right decision for you OP.

Best of luck with your job hunting. If he gets argumentative don't get onto the back foot. If he wouldn't consider moving for you then it is completely unreasonable of him to expect you to move for him into a less stable, less financially secure situation. Any lack of commitment he accuses you of is mirrored by his own. Actions are what matters, not words.

Long distance relationships can be very hard on you emotionally. When mine broke up I remember a friend telling me I seemed much happier since I was no longer on a sort of emotional rollercoaster between visits. Missing him, looking forward to seeing him, being sad he'd gone back etc. In hindsight it was exhausting!

Good luck finding a new job.

Long term this might be the best thing the family member could do. Imagine you’d moved in and built a life with him, you’d then be expected to let her control you like she controls your exp.

Congrats on getting your dream job OP.

I think you need to focus on that win and remove yourself from all the drama from BFs life.
It all sounds terribly messy.

Focusing on the job here - is this something you really want? Will you beat yourself up in 5 years time for turning this down?
Are there the same job opportunities North of Belfast for this type of job?

As the job is in Longford, you really have quite a radius of the midlands to search for a room to rent.
With the rental crisis in Ireland, it would be near impossible to rent a place completely on your own & if you did, it would eat up your wage.

And not to be mean but your post made it sound like you were moving across the world for this man. You are going from Northern Ireland to Roscommon 🙈 your family & friends are 2 train rides away / 4 hr car trip. You will still be on the island of Ireland.

Your focus needs to be on what is best for you.
Will this job be a great career move or are you best of staying at home, looking for a new job & getting your own place in NI when you have a new secure role.

Best of luck with what you decide.

I completely get what you’re saying. It was a lot for me to give up though as I am close to my family, and I’m creating distance from my family/friends, where as they arnt so close, all I was happy to do.
Now it’s like ok give my stability up and support to move for my bf to a new environment job wise and have no friends and no family close by, to then move to what is a messy toxic environment with only the support of one person, but I completely agree with what you have said

Iv googled house shares in Longford and 13 came up on first search.

Get yourself into a house share. Start you dream job amd see where it goes from there. You family are only a couple hours drive away

If it weren't for history it'd be a move in the same country about 3.5 hours drive away. I get the impression both of you have always lived in small, sheltered communities (did you meet through online dating?) so this might seem A Big Scary Move right now, but when you get a bit older you'll see it was absolutely fine.

You make friends by talking to housemates, joining a sports/hobby club, that kind of thing. But it will be harder if you stay in small insular communities.

The more I read @Rearing2go the more I think give it a go in a house share. Nothing to lose - give it 6 months and if you don’t like it look to buy in the North. Or plan to do that anyway (as your career progresses). You’ve come through some tough things in the last days/weeks/months? I honestly reckon it will be the making of you. You don’t have to try to make friends specifically - it will happen if you join a gym or fitness club, or get to know like-minded colleagues. It doesn’t matter how long it takes and you can visit family regularly. I say go for it, if anyone has the gumption to succeed in adversity you’ve shown it’s you!

I couldn't agree more. Screw him and all his nonsense, do this for you. Push yourself a little to do the thing that seems scary, you've nothing to lose. If it doesn't work out you have a safety net to go back to but I think in 6 months time you'll be pleased you went for it.