Page 3 | I got my dream job but…

Rearing2go · 2025-10-28T23:59:17+00:00

As the title says, I got my dream job but house plans have fallen through and now I will be unemployed. Im in a ldr with Bf, he rents off family at a cheaper price. Our plan was I move to his country (few hours away) ready to pack everything up everything is planned. Fm doesn’t want me to move into house with no reasoning just only family renting. House rent is unbelievable dear , I don’t know if I can leave now but I’m unemployed as I’ve quit job and can’t take back. This has put a strain on relationship. Aibu to give up support system and take job and we find a place but struggle (not sit comfortably now) Or should I stay with support system and finally go it alone (houses are cheaper here) but still do ldr which is hard but works

StokePotteries · 29/10/2025 07:55

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:36

These plans have been in place since the start of the year. Family member knew that I was looking for work and even asked me how interviews went, but our relationship I’ve felt I’ve never been enough for bf in their eyes. I’ve felt they have been cold towards me and have digs in passed off as jokes.
Bf had no idea this was going to happen and feels numb and pretty shit that this had happened to me.
He is trying to support me and keep on family members good side.
Me and family member have had words after I found out this situation and I’ll admit I said things I shouldn’t have out of hurt and anger , I’ve since apologised which has went ignored but I can’t change it.
Our plans have just been blown up , I am supposed to be starting new job in one week and a half and I don’t know what to do in such short time, if I give it up and start again at home, or move and lose all my support here in a new country and job with only my bf.

Show quote history

If it really is a dream job, not just a convenient job that brings you closer to your boyfriend, then can you rent the cheapest airbnb you can find for a month or so, settle into the job, get your first month's salary and then start either hunting for a place to share with your BF or prove to his family you have just the one head and he will be safe sharing with you.

PegDope · 29/10/2025 07:56

OP I live in Dublin. I promise you’ll make friends and create a life for yourself really quickly.

Look at renting a room in a house. There are loads of people doing this to bring the costs down. It’s not 10 people to a house either, everyone gets their own room.

Do this for yourself and your dream job. Forget about your BF in terms of housing or moving in together. You can do it on your own!

Twinkylightsg · 29/10/2025 07:56

To be honest it doesn't sound like he has a support system there apart from them letting him rent the apartment. If you do have a support system it makes more sense he moves to you. If you move there it will be hard on both of you as I feel like the way his family is being will be hard on both of you. If he moves in with you at least you both will have a support system in place If your support system is more welcoming to him.

CaroleKing · 29/10/2025 08:02

Yeah, cut the boyfriend -who is strangled by mammy's apron strings - out of your thinking and decide. Do I want to take this dream job, live in a flatshare in a fun but expensive city (Dublin, Cork, Galway, wherever it is) and perhaps use the role as a stepping stone back to a better role in the UK?

Or do I stay put and job hunt from the UK?

I think even if you are financially worse off by moving and renting independently versus stayin unemployed and job hunting in the uk (unlikely you would be Id think but I suppose possible if you could eg move in with a relative temporarily?) I think better for your overall prospects to take the job and go, have an adventure, but look to building on it to enhance your prospects in the uk.

And of course either way you will be saving the time and money you have been spending travelling to see Mammy's boy.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/10/2025 08:06

why not do the new 'dream job' (and stay somewhere as a lodger/ short-termm tenant, if you really can't stay at your bf's - even though you've spent a few weekends/month there for the past 2+ years?)
while you look for a new dream job (back in the same place as your support system), then move back there?
Your bf will then have to decide if he wants to stay where he is, or move to be with you.

Original poster

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 08:09

Minnie798 · 29/10/2025 07:45

Is there a religious aspect to all this?

No religion aspect

OP posts:

Guavafish1 · 29/10/2025 08:10

You have three options

go to Ireland - rent and work with BF

stay - find a new job and BF moves

Bitch the BF

I think your BF is being flaky. Life is full of disappointments … it’s about dealing them together as a team.

The family member maybe controlling but you have to remove them from your situation to end the control. Sound like your BF doesn’t want to let go

notacooldad · 29/10/2025 08:19

Your Bf needs to find his balls! He sounds ridiculous. Why dont the family like you? If they will cut him off and he has to 'tread carefully" there's something amiss.

All this talk about not letting the family member 'win' is just daft.
They dont want you and your bf is not making any solid moves to stick up for you or ease the situation.

Do you really want a bf who hasnt got your back?

Your options are clear, take the job and use it as a stepping stone and house share ot look for another job where you are. One thing that needs doing before all that is to get rid of the wimp of a bf.

One last thought though. Do you think he has got cold feet and making out that the family have changed their mind on the living situation to try and stop you going over? Have you evidence that they've changed their minds or have you only heard it from him?

RiseOfTheTeenyTinies · 29/10/2025 08:19

I would take your dream job and find the cheapest possible rental there. Either BF moves on with you or you split up, his family has made things difficult so it is time for him to have your back.

Is there potential for your earnings to increase with this dream job meaning that the struggle will be short term is ie a year or two it will it always be unaffordable there?

Y0208680333367 · 29/10/2025 08:22

Is it all money? The fm doesn’t like you because they think you ditched a job and wanted to live in their house for free?
And your bf is afraid to lose contact with family because money - house to live in, inheritance maybe?
Anyway as you’ve said and know deep down, you’re better than all this x

PracticalPixie · 29/10/2025 08:28

Dublin is amazing but very expensive. Did op say it was Dublin or just speculation from a pp?

Anyway, as a proud irishwoman, don't do it op! Sounds toxic as anything. He sounds weasely with the tears and angst but unable to stand on his own two feet by moving out. I imagine the loss of the relationship with his family member is less of a concern to him than losing the cheap rates of accommodation!

Stay where you are and do not, do NOT leave your support network. I cannot emphasise this enough.

I did the opposite and moved to england when I was 19 and I still miss my family and I'm 41!

Original poster

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 08:28

Y0208680333367 · 29/10/2025 08:22

Is it all money? The fm doesn’t like you because they think you ditched a job and wanted to live in their house for free?
And your bf is afraid to lose contact with family because money - house to live in, inheritance maybe?
Anyway as you’ve said and know deep down, you’re better than all this x

Bf pays rent, I was going to be paying my way as well , we were going to split bills

OP posts:

Timetochillnow · 29/10/2025 08:32

How have you both been funding seeing each other for a few days each week during the last two years? And who has been putting the effort into travelling?
saving this money must equate to a lot towards your own living costs if you are both living together
it sounds like he’s not ready for a mature relationship and that you are putting in all the effort.

if the dream job is worth it to you then follow your dream, but plan to go it alone - if he mans up and puts you first then reconsider a relationship with him but have your eyes open!

any dream job should pay enough for you to live in the area it’s based in - can you get a relocation allowance / loan from the employer? There’s lots of home share sites for Dublin

Original poster

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 08:32

notacooldad · 29/10/2025 08:19

Your Bf needs to find his balls! He sounds ridiculous. Why dont the family like you? If they will cut him off and he has to 'tread carefully" there's something amiss.

All this talk about not letting the family member 'win' is just daft.
They dont want you and your bf is not making any solid moves to stick up for you or ease the situation.

Do you really want a bf who hasnt got your back?

Your options are clear, take the job and use it as a stepping stone and house share ot look for another job where you are. One thing that needs doing before all that is to get rid of the wimp of a bf.

One last thought though. Do you think he has got cold feet and making out that the family have changed their mind on the living situation to try and stop you going over? Have you evidence that they've changed their minds or have you only heard it from him?

i have a good relationship with the rest of the family, always have even wider family, we get on great no issues, said family member I’ve always felt not good enough in her eyes and she’s very cold person that demands respect but doesn’t give respect back. I’ve never like her tbh but I’ve kept this hidden.

it’s not cold feet as me and family member spoke yesterday and things got nasty , I should have handled my words better, but I let out how shitty it was of her to now decide when I have one week to move she decides I can’t move in and pay my way.
I could have used my words better but there was nothing in my message that wasn’t true

OP posts:

PracticalPixie · 29/10/2025 08:35

Surely the cost of half a private flat is cheaper than all of the relatives house? For your boyfriend I mean.

Or is he paying like a peppercorn rent?

I wouldn't take the tears seriously tbh without any action from him. Either he's trying to manipulate you which is awful or he is not able to stand up to his relative which is a whole mess you do not want

tripleginandtonic · 29/10/2025 08:35

Arlanymor · 29/10/2025 00:28

That's a blow - why has the family member only said this now? They must have known for some time because you don't move abroad overnight, they must have known that these plans were in place? That's really rough for you.

What does your boyfriend say? Presumably he wants you to move to his country - so he needs to start looking for a place that you can rent together? And you need to find some short term work in the meantime?

So you've not left a dream job then OP? If you're in love I would want to be together, even if we didn't have much money.
Sorry, I've read your other posts now. I wouldnt move country just for the job, it seems as though your bf isn't as in love with you as I'd want moving into his territory.

SoSoLong · 29/10/2025 08:37

A man in his 30s who can't cut the apron strings is just not attractive. Stay where you are, start looking for a job right now and put a pause on the relationship. If he loves you, he can sort out his family issues first, before he gets you involved.

notacooldad · 29/10/2025 08:37

it’s not cold feet as me and family member spoke yesterday and things got nasty , I should have handled my words better, but I let out how shitty it was of her to now decide when I have one week to move she decides I can’t move in and pay my way.
I could have used my words better but there was nothing in my message that wasn’t true
That sounds really horrible for you. Is it his mother?
Your bf should have your back though and not be a coward and frightened of what may happen. He clearly isnt doing this and has shown he would prefer to stay in the family circle. That's fine, his choice, but it shows you where his priorities are.

tempname1234 · 29/10/2025 08:40

I voted you’re being unreasonable because I cannot understand from your post what actually is going on, which job is your dream job and what is the issue with your plans.

if you can go into your post and edit it to make it understandable, I’m sure you’ll get the advice you’re looking for.

Y0208680333367 · 29/10/2025 08:48

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 08:28

Bf pays rent, I was going to be paying my way as well , we were going to split bills

Show quote history

Oh I hear ya, I know. I was thinking from their perspective. They see you as a free loader (although obv you’re not). You know. And they know financially your bf thinks they’re more important than you. They’re probably right :(

RunningNananananananananana · 29/10/2025 08:55

Sorry I haven't rtft so apologies if this has been suggested already; please speak to your new company and explain about your accommodation situation, they may be able to support you somehow.

Really hope things work out for you 🙏🏻

turkeyboots · 29/10/2025 08:56

Irish men/families have their own dynamics and your BF may never step up to protect you from them. If he hasn't with the threat of you being made homeless, hes unlikely to change.
Ignore the BF, if the job is really the dream one, go for it. You'll find your feet eventually. If on reflection its not, stay where you are.

Doggymummar · 29/10/2025 09:04

It's not really a long distance relationship if you see each other a few days every week. Sounds like, I dunno one of you lives in Cheshire and the other in Wrexham different countries but just a short drive. Can't you just commute to the new job, or work remote for a bit till you find a house share.

Doggymummar · 29/10/2025 09:05

turkeyboots · 29/10/2025 08:56

Irish men/families have their own dynamics and your BF may never step up to protect you from them. If he hasn't with the threat of you being made homeless, hes unlikely to change.
Ignore the BF, if the job is really the dream one, go for it. You'll find your feet eventually. If on reflection its not, stay where you are.

Did i miss the bit where she says he's irish?

Monr0e · 29/10/2025 09:05

So you have given uo everything, your job, home, security, to move to a new country for him. But he's "not ready" to commit and support you by finding and moving into suitable accommodation for you both? After all you are sacrificing?

Will he ever be ready? Because if he can't support and be there for you now when you need him most, how on earth can you trust that he will ever be there for you.