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AIBU?

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Original poster

I got my dream job but…

134 replies

Rearing2go · 28/10/2025 23:59

As the title says, I got my dream job but house plans have fallen through and now I will be unemployed.

Im in a ldr with Bf, he rents off family at a cheaper price. Our plan was I move to his country (few hours away) ready to pack everything up everything is planned. Fm doesn’t want me to move into house with no reasoning just only family renting.

House rent is unbelievable dear , I don’t know if I can leave now but I’m unemployed as I’ve quit job and can’t take back. This has put a strain on relationship.

Aibu to give up support system and take job and we find a place but struggle (not sit comfortably now)
Or should I stay with support system and finally go it alone (houses are cheaper here) but still do ldr which is hard but works

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:52

twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:50

If you stay together can you really foresee a time where this situation wouldn't become too much?
I think you should take the job and separate from him. Family members can have a horrible grip on people but he's not even remotely putting you anywhere near first position.

I honestly couldn’t afford rent on my own if I take the job, and I don’t know anyone in his country as in I’ve no support system I’ve no friends because it’s always been ldr so I haven’t had a chance to make friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:54

NewJobProblem · 29/10/2025 00:49

But you still have the offer of the new/dream job, which is in the boyfriend’s country?

Since you’ve left your current job and have the other job offer, I would take it and go.

I would ask the family landlord if you could stay temporarily with boyfriend while you look for somewhere to live. Look for a flat share to keep costs down? Or friends of boyfriend may have a spare room? Your relationship has been long distance and suddenly you’ll be together - you living in a flat share separate from him could be a good first step so you get used to being close to each other but not too much all at once. Then once you’ve settled into the job and are sure you like living in the country, you and he can live together.

What country is it? People may have more useful living suggestions depending where it is.

Edited

I think I will be outcast from family as family member has control over everyone. I’m not sure I’ll even be allowed in house again tbh for in standing up for myself and confronting family member.

its Ireland

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:58

I agree with posters saying about bf not putting me first and making me a priority, I’ve talked to him that’s all we have done and he tells me he is committed but he is so far gone with being controlled that I think I’m scared to confront the truth and I hate this because I always thought I was over being treated like a mug and had self respect but clearly this has shook me

OP posts:
DarkForces · 29/10/2025 01:01

Honestly I'd stay put and find a new job. Your future with this man sounds miserable. He doesn't sound like someone you can depend on and moving to a different country with no support and it being unaffordable alone is making yourself very dependent on him and vulnerable. Much better to build your life somewhere where you have friends and family to fall back on.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 01:08

DarkForces · 29/10/2025 01:01

Honestly I'd stay put and find a new job. Your future with this man sounds miserable. He doesn't sound like someone you can depend on and moving to a different country with no support and it being unaffordable alone is making yourself very dependent on him and vulnerable. Much better to build your life somewhere where you have friends and family to fall back on.

We have the best relationship, until this so it’s very hard for me to walk away which I know I should walk away from relationship as I’m been treated horribly in this moment.
I don’t want to walk away and lose a good relationship and let family member win but I also need to demand more from bf and he needs to step up and stand up to family member which I’m trying to make him see without becoming controlling myself or playing games like said family member, I need to treat carefully so I’m not seen as trying to take him away from family

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2025 01:28

So his Mammy thinks that you are not good enough and has made sure that she can fuck up your life (waiting until you have left your old job) by withdrawing the understanding that you can move in, right?

Walk away. This shit will only get worse.

Either he comes to you or you break up. Done.

KellsBells7 · 29/10/2025 01:28

Could you look at renting a room in a house share?

NewJobProblem · 29/10/2025 01:30

Ireland - is it in a city or the back of beyond? If you’ll be working in a town or city you’ll be able to find a flat share, be a lodger, etc. Do the dream job for 6 months. In that time you’ll get a clear idea of whether the relationship is going to work. If it’s working, move in together out of his family home. If it’s not working, you’ll have six months work in your dream job to put on your CV which will help you move on. I think the key thing for now is, move for the job, not for living together. It’s the only job you have, take it and see how things play out.

HoppingPavlova · 29/10/2025 01:30

If it really is your dream job then move over, just rent a room and if it ends up working out with boyfriend it does, if not, you still have the dream job to springboard from.

DarkForces · 29/10/2025 01:30

The fact is if he wants a relationship with you he is going to have to prioritise you above his family. He is enmeshed and reliant on them. You don't want a life living in a country with no support network and toxic in laws. It'll be a lifetime of treading on miserable eggshells.

Peachy2005 · 29/10/2025 01:43

What this person said ⬆️

Evidemment · 29/10/2025 01:46

OP there is no good that can come from this - your BF does not have a backbone when it comes to his family, tears or not, and your life will be infinitely more difficult once you've moved as from the sounds of it he's sold you a dream but not the reality - which is that he is an adult but still beholden to family as though he's a child. He's not ready to be in a proper adult relationship or live together. It's easy to text/videocall all day and have visits from a distance but when you're talking about taking big, real life steps he has absolutely crumbled at the first hurdle and your life has blown up as a result. You should be furious at all of them. Please do not take this as anything but cold clear evidence of what you are getting yourself in for.

Can you find a house share to move into and take on the dream job to have it on your CV a while before you start looking for a new role back home? I'd also be urgently looking for another job in your current area in the hopes you don't have to move at all. Priorities need to be job and roof over your head, situationship with this man and his Mammy is not important right now and neither of them will provide any real help or support.

Do NOT tether yourself to this man - you and your relationship are not and will not be his priority and you are going to end up in even more of a mess than he's already gotten you into. Please listen to the posters who have commented here because they've also fallen for this in the past. You deserve better.

NamechangeRugby · 29/10/2025 06:56

What age are you both?

What country would you be leaving?

You both sound young and your bf not independent or strong at all. If his family are already supporting him, I can see why they might be reluctant to take another dependent on board.

If this is a dream job for you, but still doesn't pay enough to even rent a room (and if Dublin - I get Dublin is extortionate, but at least it should pay Dublin rates), then is it really such a great job?

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 07:02

NamechangeRugby · 29/10/2025 06:56

What age are you both?

What country would you be leaving?

You both sound young and your bf not independent or strong at all. If his family are already supporting him, I can see why they might be reluctant to take another dependent on board.

If this is a dream job for you, but still doesn't pay enough to even rent a room (and if Dublin - I get Dublin is extortionate, but at least it should pay Dublin rates), then is it really such a great job?

We are both in our early thirties. My bf pays his way at a cheaper rate than renting so doesn’t depend on money that way.
He is set a very high standard by family member were he doesn’t even think he is liked by said family member and is unbelievably controlled. From past relationship with family member, bf was cut off from family because of a past relationship he was in. Family member didn’t approve and tried to control and when they couldn’t bf was cut off from everyone and has tried and still trying to keep that relationship but again feels nothing is ever good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 07:05

Evidemment · 29/10/2025 01:46

OP there is no good that can come from this - your BF does not have a backbone when it comes to his family, tears or not, and your life will be infinitely more difficult once you've moved as from the sounds of it he's sold you a dream but not the reality - which is that he is an adult but still beholden to family as though he's a child. He's not ready to be in a proper adult relationship or live together. It's easy to text/videocall all day and have visits from a distance but when you're talking about taking big, real life steps he has absolutely crumbled at the first hurdle and your life has blown up as a result. You should be furious at all of them. Please do not take this as anything but cold clear evidence of what you are getting yourself in for.

Can you find a house share to move into and take on the dream job to have it on your CV a while before you start looking for a new role back home? I'd also be urgently looking for another job in your current area in the hopes you don't have to move at all. Priorities need to be job and roof over your head, situationship with this man and his Mammy is not important right now and neither of them will provide any real help or support.

Do NOT tether yourself to this man - you and your relationship are not and will not be his priority and you are going to end up in even more of a mess than he's already gotten you into. Please listen to the posters who have commented here because they've also fallen for this in the past. You deserve better.

I needed to hear this. Things are becoming clearer. I’ve worked on myself alone for me and that I can be the best version of myself for me and the reason for this post is because I honestly feel I’m letting myself down by allowing all of this and the treatment which I know I wouldn’t stand for so why am I standing for it now and I just needed to be reminded

OP posts:
Linenpickle · 29/10/2025 07:06

Big red flags here. I’d ditch the boyfriend

OnceIn · 29/10/2025 07:08

No is not move to bf’s country and give up the security of living in the uk. If your bf relies on his family for accommodation and it’s too expensive to private rent, he won’t risk being kicked out of his home for you and you’ll end up in a foreign country, an expensive one at that with no security and no one who has your best interests at heart.

Reddog1 · 29/10/2025 07:09

Allowing himself to be dominated like that at 30+ is pathetic. And he’s come up with no solutions, just cried on the phone. Loser.

But if this job is amazing, maybe you should go anyway and find a room in a shared house. Why not?! It could be great.

chunkyBoo · 29/10/2025 07:10

Which city is this? Can’t move into a house share? If the pay is so poor you can’t even afford to live there it’s not a dream job!

Agapornis · 29/10/2025 07:10

I wouldn't continue a relationship with a wet lettuce so beholden to his mammy.

HellsBells13 · 29/10/2025 07:29

My exfiance, he was from Eire. His Mammy hated me, she encouraged his affair partner to stay in their home for visits and she would drunk dial our home back in the 90's. Horrendous. I was not good enough. Walk away darling, he is not worth it.

Motnight · 29/10/2025 07:42

Why can't your bf move out of his relative's place and rent with you, Op? As others have said he's definitely not prioritising you in any way.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 07:44

Motnight · 29/10/2025 07:42

Why can't your bf move out of his relative's place and rent with you, Op? As others have said he's definitely not prioritising you in any way.

Exactly. He said he will but then I can tell he’s not ready.
Honestly I can see everything clearly now. I was afraid to confront what I know is obvious and that I shouldn’t be begging for the bare minimum.

OP posts:
Minnie798 · 29/10/2025 07:45

Is there a religious aspect to all this?

jeaux90 · 29/10/2025 07:50

OP you need to focus on you and let the BF sort his own shit out. Clearly he can’t stand up for himself.

You stay where you are with your support system and find a job and take it from there. It’s the only sensible decision right now.