Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Many years ago (1960s) I organised a meal out with work colleagues to celebrate my 17th birthday and success in first professional exam. There were 8 of us and I explained that I could not afford to pay for everything but would cover the wine/drinks bill. I had got a menu so the range of prices was available. Everyone was ok with that as they knew I was a young girl in my first job.

I would not feel comfortable doing that nowadays because people would take the view that if you host then you pay. So I would confine the birthday to very close friends and family and cover the bill myself. Alternately you can explain to friends/family about your budget and see how they feel about making a contriution.

Personally I would not pay £50 to attend someones party.

If it’s 27th December, one of my old school friends had this birthday and never used to have a problem celebrating it. People often love a catch up with friends between Christmas and New Year. In fact some of the best parties I’ve been to have been that time of year.

I would do something less formal though, room in a pub, hot buffet, you could do it about 4pm so those that have to travel can do so with plenty of time to get home.

I don’t know anyone who would willingly pay to attend someone’s birthday party so no, k don’t think you can ask.

I don’t understand why any time of year is bad for a small gathering at home, or why you need 40 people to attend. Maybe scale back and invite a handful you can afford to feed.

No. Arrange only what you can afford.

If you are feeling this way because others did it, just brush off this need to keep up with the Joneses.

You've done the sums and you can't afford it, so you need to scale back on numbers. £50 is a lot for many people and it puts people who can't afford it in an awkward position.

are you sure the 40 ppl you're thinking of inviting will even show up. Are they all really close friends? Can't you pick your top 10 +1 which is half the numbers and more affordable.

dont be one of those people who has grandiose ideas of their event but make their guests have to fund it!

Its not a 'cosy' lunch for 40 people

£50 for a lunch is madness !

Inviting people and then expecting them to pay is the height of rudeness.

Pay or don't invite.

With your updates i dont think doing anything else will make you happy.

You cant afford to host 40 people so best just to leave it

If I have been out for a birthday meal then we have always paid & so in my world that is just the norm. The only time it’s been hosted is if it is a pub buffet type of thing. I think £50pp is a lot though. So you probably need to find a cheaper option if you want people to pay. Why are the hotel charging room hire if you’re already paying for food & drinks? I doubt that they will fill this slot if it’s a wedding venue type place & the date is awkward. So maybe ask them to come up with a more affordable menu. A pub would be better & they would do something more reasonable I think. I think people would prefer to mingle than sit at a table in a hotel. You could then cover cost of food easily with £1500.

I would decline the invitation based on the expected outlay - meal, drinks, gift, transport, and disrance - can't drink alcohol unless staying over. Also the number of people being invited makes the event sound impersonal and chaotic. I'd happily take a friend out for drinks or go for a light lunch locally to celebrate a birthday. No need for the big event just because you've reached a round number.

That makes my toes curl with horror.

If your budget is £1500 you’re not far off, why not speak to the hotel and see what they can do for that price? As a guest I wouldn’t expect all drinks to be paid for. Maybe a cheaper brunch/lunch menu or an afternoon tea instead?

It’s not just the cost of the lunch, it’s the timing. It basically sucks up the entire precious Saturday. Whereas an evening party allows people to get their weekend stuff done before attending.

Could you invite a smaller group to your house and get caterers in?

This is a nice fantasy but impractical. I wouldn’t expend that much time and effort on my own birthday let alone anyone else’s. Taking a train 1.5 hours each way from the city to a rural area and then finding a taxi to get to a lunch?

Why so cryptic about the date? I am hard pressed to think of how a day out of each year is so “shit” that it has upset you all your life. Most adults don’t get (or need) a big fuss no matter when their birthday falls.

Maybe the issue to address is why your own birthday depresses you so much. It seems to be a pattern, reading through all of your posts. Nothing seems to live up to your expectations.

why don’t you have brunch with your rural group, then train to the city for dinner with your city friends?

what is 'CF territory'

Hang on, when we go for lunch or dinner for a friends birthday we all pay for ourselves plus extra to cover the birthday girl or boy, sk they dont have to pay. Isn't that normal?

OP, My friends birthday is 3 days after Christmas and every year we go for dinner in the same Chinese restaurant in town for it as tradition. So you can really do anything at any time of year, I dont believe there is a "bad" time of the year.

My wider family has just started doing celebrations together as a big group. It started with one couple, who can well afford to cover to pay. Most had to pay for a hotel as we are dotted around the country. However they didn’t pay towards anything at all. We were a bit surprised and it felt a little bit of a social faux pas mainly because we thought they’d contribute to something eg the drinks. However they’re partners to independent adults and I wonder if it was agreed with their kids as it’s actually worked in everyone’s favour. We all know where everyone stands and the younger generation have also been able to start to organise their own parties and invite everyone without fear that they cannot afford to pay for it.

I would say be upfront. Invite who you want and say you’d like to know who can make it so that you can book numbers with the venue. Be clear that although you’d love to be able to afford to pay for everything, you can’t. And say you have a healthy budget to cover drinks. Don’t talk about the hotel cost. You said an hour away. Maybe try to choose something a little closer but if you still want that venue, an hour’s drive is achievable especially if you do an earlier start as you’re suggesting (or maybe early evening is better?) and those, who stay can hang with you for the rest of the evening.

Shorten the guest list and do it at home. This is giving destination wedding vibes when neither the bride and groom have any connection to the destination. A 2 grand plus birthday is fine, if you could afford it but you can’t.

If having such an extravagant do is import to you, why haven’t you prioritised it by saving up up for it?

£50 is a lot. Maybe £15 I wouldn't mind so much but £50 is too much.
When I hosted my birthday I paid for everything

One of the best events I’ve been to was in a village hall. All the guests were asked to bring a dish to contribute to a buffet. There was no list so I thought it could be death by a million sausage rolls, but it was actually very varied and delicious. There was a band (which you could pay for?) and a bar run by a local pub I think which charged very reasonable prices. Everyone had a great time and the couple didn’t shell out a fortune they didn’t have. Hope you can enjoy your birthday x

£1.5k is a good budget.

Is alcohol the issue? If you’re not providing much booze then you don’t need to have it in a hotel as people can make their own travel arrangements. Pick a mid price restaurant with a dining room. Limit it to 25 people and you’ve got a budget of £60 per head.

Offer one glass of fizz per person. Say on the invite that alcohol is not included. Give people a short deadline to RSVP so you can invite more people when you get nos.

I’ve done this and it worked great - plus everyone was basically sober which I prefer.

If its more important to you who is there don't go with the nice hotel if you cant afford to pay it all. A friends partner organised similar the rough cost was £50 a head without drinks. I declined but heard attendees were asked for £100 on the night because they bought champagne, wine etc and it was only a small group to share the costs.

I had a pub function room for my recent big birthday. Its what I could afford to make sure everyone I wanted to come did.

Can you just hire an area in a local pub? Everyone pays for their pub lunch and then you could put what you can afford behind the bar for afternoon drinks?

also how can your birthday never fall on a Saturday? Doesn’t that happen every 7 years.

if it’s such an awful and tricky date, surely other people won’t want to do anything on this date either?

I would have no issue paying for my own lunch - if it was a reasonable cost.

I'm afraid I don't think £50 is reasonable for a friend's birthday lunch though, sorry. I would think twice about paying that for my own birthday dinner!