Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

549 replies

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 29/10/2025 01:18

I’m thinking NY Eve or NY day. But no, you can’t invite people to a party and ask them to pay 50 (or indeed anything) for their food, or any part of the party. Just do what you can afford, which might have to be a nice dinner snd hotel night with your DH?

Squirrelandnuts · 29/10/2025 01:23

At my 60th, I asked my 20 guests to contribute £20 for the birthday lunch on a Saturday, including soft drinks. I hadn't had a social birthday for 20years.

My friends were wonderful, I even got two birthday cakes, lots of flowers and amazingly quite a few gifts.

To be fair, we had Vietnamese, so lots of sharing dishes. But, the food was absolutely excellent. The owner also gave me flowers.

Howdoesithappenlikethis · 29/10/2025 01:32

I'd have to decline the invitation if this was from a friend of mine im afraid, I've not ever attended a party that wasn't paid for by the host.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2025 01:44

If you want a specific thing and cant afford it without people sending you money then you cant afford it, end of. So you cant do it and you need to accept that.

However if it would be "Hi all, I will be at X place on Y date for my birthday, so if any of you would like to join me then that would be wonderful! Unfortunately I can't cover everyones meals (cost of living haha!) but if you would like me to reserve a table for you then let me know by Z date xx" then thats fine.

treacledan71 · 29/10/2025 01:50

People would have to pay travel and if stop over too the hotel so will add on. Could you ask a pub if could have a section of it and people got option to eat or just drink. You could give vouchers out for one free drink or ask the pub to provide nibbles or chips etc.

Tomorrowtodaywhenever · 29/10/2025 01:56

I would choose a cheaper lunch option, what about a nice pub, just tell people you are meeting at the pub, it will be nice to see everyone, get a few sharing platters for the food, but everyone buys their own drinks? 50 per head is expensive before xmas for people. At least with a pub they can come for one drink or ten depending on their budget. And can order extra food if they want to themselves. And you won't have the worry of a possible £1000 bar bill!

LillyPJ · 29/10/2025 02:32

I think it's cheeky (and unfair) asking people to pay but I'd be happy to contribute in other ways. How about a dinner where everybody pitches in and brings a dish, or a winter picnic or barbecue?

Lemonandorangecheescake · 29/10/2025 02:36

I was going to say the same as one or two posters have mentioned, why not have two separate night or day meals out to both accommodate people who live locally, and then you and your DH could also travel to the Town or City where others live to celebrate your birthday?
A pp also said that you won't get the chance to talk to everyone if you've got too many people attending one night, so to divide your celebrations in two is way more logical.

There's no need to spend 1.5k on everyone for your birthday, just say to people that you and DH are going to be having a meal in a pub for your birthday locally, and if anyone wants to join you they're welcome, and you'll put maybe some wine on the table.
You and DH could then book a night in the hotel near your other friends and family,, with the same words, saying people are welcome to join you for a meal, but that it's not a party as such. This way you're not putting pressure on people to go out, and your not having to splash out a ridiculous amount of money just because you've got another year older,

I don't mean to sound blunt, but realistically, no one will care except you that it's your big birthday, and surely you'd prefer people to celebrate with you because they're happy to stump up for their own meal, rather than only going because you're paying them to.

LillyPJ · 29/10/2025 02:45

ScreentimeInTheMeantime · 28/10/2025 23:21

Oh wondering if I should be mortified - for a big birthday I organised a “do”. We asked people to pay for their meals and it was a set menu, but we paid for all the wine and drinks all night, and hired a band/DJ. I thought it was a nice thing to do i.e. buying lots of drinks (people drank A LOT) but reading here it seems like people think it’s tight not to buy everyone’s dinners, too!

Great for people who love drinking . Hardly fair on those who don't. Wouldn't it have been better for you to pay for the food (which they didn't have a choice over) and let guests buy their own drinks?

LillyPJ · 29/10/2025 02:48

Thistooshallpass. · 28/10/2025 23:38

Is it New Year’s Day ? In which case you are right no one’s wanting to go out in the evening .

They'd probably want to go out for lunch even less if they're recovering from the previous night.

MermaidMummy06 · 29/10/2025 03:13

My family regularly do birthday or anniversary meals where you buy your own. I loathe it. We have to go as we're local & it would be frowned upon to not go, but we have 2 DC & it's an expensive exercise.

I think if you have a party, just have what you can afford, even cocktails & nibbles. I said no to the huge reception style 40th DH wanted as it would cost almost as much as a holiday. I wanted the holiday....

Supperlite · 29/10/2025 03:31

Where I’m from it’s normal to go out for a meal for your birthday and everyone pays for themselves. Sometimes the group even pay for the birthday person!

Christmasbear1 · 29/10/2025 03:55

You can always ask your friends to see how they'll feel about paying. Are they well off? There's nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your birthday. Could you choose a cheaper hotel? £50 is a lot for dinner. You may just need to save up and pay for them if you really want a party. But it may be well worth it if that's what you really want.

spoonbillstretford · 29/10/2025 03:58

I wouldn't mind paying it if a friend was doing that, OP. But I'd probably just do what I can afford myself, a smaller event I can pay for, a dinner or gathering at home with catering, hire the village hall and have catering but a paying bar, several smaller drinks or dinner with friends where everyone pays for themselves.

Motherofacertainage · 29/10/2025 04:23

Going against the grain here but so long as you make it clear on the invitatioms what the costs are I don’t see an issue. Assuming your friend group in the main can afford that sort of cost (plus a possible overnight stay) then I would just see what the uptake is. I’m getting a twixtmas/ New Year’s Day vibe from your cryptic clues and many people would be glad of an opportunity to get together with friends at this time of yea if finances allow . As the mumsnet saying goes, it’s an invitation not a summons so those who would see it as CFness won’t attend and you may have a wonderful celebration with those who are up for it. I’m finding as I get older that I cherish the increasingly rare big celebrations that used to be more commonplace and therefore I took for granted in my 20s abd 30s. Just go for it!

Superhansrantowindsor · 29/10/2025 04:27

Sorry no I wouldn’t go this. The only thing I’ve done that is similar is pay towards a massive air B&B (20 people) and everyone bought a buffet dish for a relatives big birthday.
My friends have had big parties at hired venues. I can’t afford that so I haven’t.

Rightsraptor · 29/10/2025 04:28

I'm struggling with a meal with 40 people being cosy. 40 people would be the polar opposite of cosy to me.

3luckystars · 29/10/2025 04:33

What about a breakfast? You could have a big breakfast in a hotel at about 11am on the morning of your birthday for that many people, that would be absolute lovely.

you could finish up by 1pm and then go for your walk or whatever you want to do. Stay in the hotel the night before and night after.

I would definitely go to a birthday breakfast. It’s something different and you still get to see everyone. It would also be way cheaper!

Bootss · 29/10/2025 04:40

Its beyond rude to ask others to have to pay £50 for attending your birthday brunch. And 40 people?

why don't you cut numbers down to just your closest friends and invite them (about 10 people). There won't be a room charge if you just book the table and there is no way a brunch is £50. You will be able to do it for about half of that and the show shebang would be a lot more affordable.

Ponchodreams · 29/10/2025 04:42

I don't see why you can't hire a room for the afternoon and pay for a buffet rather than an expensive lunch.

Beesandhoney123 · 29/10/2025 04:49

People are unlikely to come along. It's the principle of the idea too. Yes, I like a lovely big lunch with friends. But I wouldn't present it as my birthday lunch!

If you've all gone out before, just say you plan to book a table at x. How many people really? More than 10 isn't an intimate lunch and do they all know each other? Obviously you'll pay for yourself.

If you never do this, then it's not always a fun chatty lunch. People have chores, kids to arrange and run about, I wouldn't pay £50 either. For that, I want to have a say in the venue, who is going and menu.

Just shove all your furniture against the walls, and hold an evening drinks from 6-8 , with canapés. You'd be amazed how many people you can squash in:)

Katflapkit · 29/10/2025 04:50

As your friends have had parties at their homes, would one of them be willing to lend their home for your local party then your would cover a nice lunch. The perhaps have a restaurant lunch in the city with others.

Shamesame · 29/10/2025 05:00

I feel differently to most - I went to various celebrations like this when we turned 30. The host would cover drinks and there would be a set menu with a fixed cost so there was predictably and we all knew up front what it was going to cost.

if people don’t want to go they don’t and that’s totally fine!

springintoaction2 · 29/10/2025 05:04

Ashersmom · 28/10/2025 22:55

You can't make guests pay for your party. That's close to CF territory.

I'd say it's right in CF territory.

No - not cool.

banananas1999 · 29/10/2025 05:13

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

its ur birthday and if u want a party you should pay for it.

Birthday partys are for kids anyway