Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Yes we do that, but usually lunch. But that's different from what the OP says but a good alternative.

Blimey @Okiedokie123 I'm moving to your neck of the woods. It's £23 for a sunday roast in my local - no puddings, no drinks just a plate of roast dinner. I agree £50 is on the steeper side but nowadays I usually reckon on main, dessert & a glass of wine plus service coming in at £35-40.

Agree that "we're going to X pub for lunch if you can join us " most people would expect to pay and maybe appreciate some wine on the table. Whereas "I've booked a private room with £50 set menu" I'm looking forward to you paying and might expect to buy my own drinks.

You’ve got quite a healthy budget if you limit numbers and see if the hotel can work with you as one option. You say it’s a difficult date, does that mean they’ll struggle to get anyone else to fill it, so you can see if they can come up with a cheaper option?

Or, with that budget get a caterer and cleaner in at home?

Hope you manage to source something you’ll enjoy.

What on earth is this mysterious "shit date" that falls on a saturday not in the run up for christmas or valentines day?

It is as annoying as the secret/outing hobby which is always cycling

what makes this day so shit? seems relevant as you keep mentioning it?

You can’t ask it’s just crass and akin to those awful poems when people ask for money at their weddings.

As it’s such a difficult date according to you then I assume of the 40 invited maybe a decent % won’t attend as such a difficult date.

Plus it won’t be a cosy lunch. We attended an awards lunch ceremony recently, we likened it to a wedding reception. We had a laugh with half the table and the others especially one person were people I’m happy to not see again. How’s the table plan going to work. I have some very long-standing friends who have never met as scattered around with some in other countries.

A mooch about buffet is much better so you do not get trapped next to someone it’s tiresome to sit with.

At home but with a caterer?

Going to pub / restaurant i would expect to pay for myself.
Going to a private event I wouldn't expect to pay for myself
Either way £50 is a lot for lunch per person

I think you would be much better finding somewhere with no room charge, decorate yourself and that does a set meal/ afternoon tea at a reasonable price and pay for that.

Paying for drinks can get easily get out of hand. There is always some cheeky fucker that abuses it.

My friends love drinking!

I would say 'i'd like to do this for my birthday' no obligation to come. If people cant afford it they dont come. I regularly go our for meals for my friends birthdays and would never expect them to pay for. I go because i want to celebrate with them

Presumably if you can afford to pay for rooms and towards food and drink, you could afford to pay for everyone to have a partially set lunch at a jolly Italian that does pizza. A bottle of wine between two on the table, pre-agreed with the restaurant starters/ bread/olives on the table to share; pizzas, a choice of two puddings or if you really want to keep costs down, no pudding but serve a birthday cake which will probably entail a “cutting” charge.

You could get a fixed price from the restaurant and your DH can just announce at the beginning that there’s wine and water on the table but other drinks can be bought at the bar. The staff can be informed in advance that theee are charged for at point of sale, not added to your bill. Everyone will know the deal because you can send an email outlining the plan and asking for allergy and dietary restrictions in advance.

This would go down a lot better than being charged £50 so you can have the lunch at a hotel. The atmosphere will probably be a lot more celebratory too.

Amazingly, not everyone is like your friends! And some people like expensive fancy cocktails, some prefer half a lager. Also, some people just cannot drink.

Well as the OP has established it's not Valentines Day - and it's at a time of year the weather is shit - then I'm going to guess it's either the 27th December or 3rd January. But neither of these are significant dates so not really sure what the actual issue is?!?!

Seriously, all this "lazy and cosy lunch" shit is just social media fuelled crap. What's a "cosy" lunch? And how can it be cosy if there are 30-40 people there?! And then saying people can stay over?! I thought you couldn't have an evening do because of travel logistics on this "significant date"?! And what is everyone going to do the rest of the day / evening after the long and cosy lunch?!

So random 😂Just have a party in a pub function room / village hall setup with some food and drinks.

Is there a nice pub that could give you a private/ roped off area. Nice lunch/ buffet. Can still be a lovely occasion.

Assuming your birthday is the week between Christmas and new year, it’s a hard week to have any sort of big celebration.

That is expensive for a lunch. People would also have to pay travel cost and you are assuming some would stay overnight so more cost. You say others in your group that have chosen to do similar have paid all cost of meal. That is because that is the correct thing to do if you are inviting people to celebrate your birthday with you where you choose restaurant, day and time. I think most would decline your invitation. Just before Xmas is an expensive time of year.

As a PP suggested you could have an afternoon tea and pay for that for your guest.

Well it's actually statistically impossible 😂

I am going against the grain here but I'd prefer to pay for my own lunch but not buy a present. My SIL did a posh lunch for a landmark birthday but most people felt they should buy a present of equivalent value to the lunch.

The main thing is to be 100% clear if people are going to pay themselves. I agree that an informal pub meal would work better as it will be easier for people to choose how much they want to eat and or drink. I read an article the other week about pubs with lovely bedrooms so you can still go ahead with your plan for a meal plus night away: www.theguardian.com/travel/2025/oct/25/30-best-uk-pubs-for-autumn-escape-great-food-rooms-walks

I wouldn’t pay £50 to attend someone’s birthday tbh. I think if you can’t afford it then don’t do it. why can’t you just meet up in a pub somewhere for drinks and then people can order food (and pay for it) if they wish? Or pay for a venue where you can bring your own food, ask everyone to bring a plate of something?

People can't be expected to pay to celebrate your birthday.
£50 for lunch? Not including drinks.
£50 Drinks
£50 gift
£30 travel
£100 hotel

That's nearly £300 quid!

What you actually want is people to clump together off their own backs and throw you a massive party at this spec. You mention you love cosy lunches - 40 people is not cosy.
You're being entitled and it's giving CF vibes.

If it makes you feel any better @birthdayquandary this is my birthday:

Ides of March, day in the ancient Roman calendar that falls on March 15 and is associated with misfortune and doom. It became renowned as the date on which Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 bce and was further immortalized in the tragedy Julius Caesar by English dramatist William Shakespeare.

Our local golf club does very cheap meals, super-friendly, and caters for around £15 per head. Maybe scout around and look at other options?

No, you can't afford this one unfortunately. It's a shame but most of us would be in the same position! Bit cheeky of your friend to put this idea in your head because I can see that you really like it.

The main thing that come from your post though is - Jeez you got a lot of friends! I'm very jealous. You must be lovely so people will appreciate whatever you can afford.

So then you have to pay to have it elsewhere. That how it works, not charge your mates.

40 people won't be a cosy lunch, it will be more like a wedding reception.

I would either have a genuinely cosy lunch by having 12 people to a pub lunch or hire a room and lay on a buffet for 40.

But it's not really on to invite people and ask for £50. It happened to me once and all anyone coukd talk about at the party was being charged to go to someone's black tie 30th birthday party!

Why wont you say what date/ event it is?

You keep saying that it is a 'shitty day' but, I don't understand at all.

I've a friend who never does anything big on her birthday as she's worried about the cost to other people, or they won't want to come etc etc. So one year we all got together and persuaded her too for her big birthday - and we really wanted to do something special. She hired a room, we all paid for our own drinks, she got some nibbles ordered (and some people ordered etc) and it was all lovely.

Invite people - they can say no.

People on here are weird about stuff like this - you can't have a birthday celebration unless you can pay for it all....real life isn't like that.