Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Yes same! It’s a big group who know each other through birthday lady so it’s not reciprocal really. I’d only see my mates other mates once a year at various lunches.

I actually have a Valentine’s birthday and got used to just doing lunches though once older more friends are single and so we can do dinner if we want. Or a valentines escape room!

I think it’s rude. Host the occasion you can afford, even if it involves compromises.

I think you’ll get a lot of invitations declined or just one of a couple/family will attend.

No, it wouldn’t be right to ask people to pay but I do empathise with the birthday on a shit day thing.
Mine is THE shittest day- I find it so depressing. Everyone is over Christmas, over New Year, skint, partied out and not stepping over the door.
I hate birthdays - they’re so over rated 😏 bahhhh

This 🙂

I think people would expect to pay if it was a restaurant but not if it's a private function. I wouldn't come if it cost that much money

I went to a friend’s 50th at a posh restaurant where she asked us to pay similar amount. She was upfront about it so I had the choice to say no thanks. But tbh, I would have felt pretty mean saying no I’m not coming as she was a very close friend. She did say she would pay for champagne. On the day, other people in the group ordered bottles of vodka and all sorts of extras too, which ended up being split between us on top of the food bill. Left a bit of a nasty taste all round tbh.

Great advice.

OP - 2 constructive thoughts:

• Make it much more modest and intimate and just invite 10 local friends and pay for them yourself.
• If you can bear to postpone till mid Jan (awful time of year, I know - that’s my birthday!😢) Pubs and restaurants will be desperate for business then and may offer much better value and incentives to eat out.

Seems that you want a very specific event and can’t afford it. That’s life sometimes. Hope you find something nice to do instead. Happy birthday!

50 a head is a lot -am guessing drinks on top? I don’t see why you can’t host a home. Ask people to bring a buffet dish , ask your best friends to help clear up

The very idea that it is now acceptable to ask questions like that is shocking. What's next? I can't even imagine. Cut your cloth accordingly.

I celebrated my milestone birthday in a local restaurant. Everyone seemed genuinely surprised when we paid for everything. You know your family and friends better than people in MN. I think if they know you are making a significant contribution (which you would be) and they can afford it, I don’t think people will mind.

Or hire a hall / room ( that’s cheap these parts) ,buffet again with contributions and get some music going

40 isn’t going to be cosy any which way - it’s formal

edit 2 / asking people to a restaurant/pub that isn’t a private function , a pub with a menu starting at half the cost ( eg just a main ) then it would be ok to ask friends to pay

Im sorry op but your post makes no sense to me. You can pay for service charge, booze , rooms and nonsense but not the lunch itself. Just arrange a lunch at a restaurant that you can afford and pay for the food because you clearly have a good budget if you can hire the room ata hotel pay for booze and ppls rooms. Very odd.

Awful to ask for £50!
I had a friend who did this once it was so weird to be invited to theirs and then asked for money.

Just invite a couple of guests and treat them.

However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What? Why not?! We're going to a party in someone's home in a few weeks? I don't understand what you mean by you "obviously can't host a party at home or in the evening at this time of year"?!

Bit its my birthday!! I want it how i want it on the day just for once! stamps feet

Thats how this post came across to me

If you're going to do this, then be upfront with people about the cost. I wouldn't be happy paying the same as someone else when I've ordered a salad and they're eating steak. I'd rather pay exactly for what my meal actually costs. Why don't you book a restaurant and people pay for themselves? What about a room above a pub and you pay for the buffet and they get their own drinks? If you're asking for £50 per person then be prepared half of them won't come. Those that do come won't buy you a present.

Good idea. A set lunch paid by OP and a pay bar- no drinks bill at the end to be shared or argued over.

Yeah no. I’m of the opinion that an event which someone has been invited to shouldn’t really cost them anything. (Obviously card/present aside)

Absolutely CFery!!!

Goodness, no, no, no absolutely not but I see that you've taken previous advice onboard.

If an evening things doesn't work because of people's logistical barriers, how about a boozy brunch at a nice hotel?

You'd get more help if you just said the date op. You won't be the only person turning 50 that day, it isn't outing. Then people could advise based on the "awful day not running up to Xmas and not V Day where it's too cold to do anything and everything is closed". I'm a NYE baby, I do understand crap birthdays.

You need to reduce your guest list. You have a 1.5k budget so book tables in a nice restaurant you like and work out how many people you can feed. Do you really need to hire the whole room? Can you book just tables? Then a room for you and DH on the night. Book and early lunch and go for the walk afterwards or late and before.

Honestly 30 / 50 (I can't remember what you said, sorry) people sat for lunch is gonna be pretty hard to make sure you talk to everyone.

The other option is to break it down into groups. Invite the far away friends for a lunch when transport is better and the local friends on your actual day.

I dont think there would be anything wrong with asking if people wanted to join you for a lunch to celebrate your birthday - everyone paying their own. But everyome is self-funding, its best to offer flexibility so they can choose to skip a starter, etc, rather than a flat “per head” charge

It’s cheeky and I’d be really pissed off to be asked to do this, and I simply wouldn’t go.

Yet again - another full-grown adult who is so self-absorbed they want everyone else to make a huge fuss of their birthday, and this time you even want everyone else to fork out for it. Get over yourself.

Do what you can afford to do within your own means, without imposing on others to indulge your ego.

Hire a room in a nice hotel that's near the majority of people you know will attend.
Pay for a buffet and a glass of bubbly.
They buy other drinks.
Ask everyone to bring photos of memorable times.
Have tables of 6 so people can move around and chat to lots of the guests rather than one huge table

No. Terrible idea.