Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

I’ll be 50 in a few months. Can’t afford to host even a small party in a restaurant/hotel and pay for guests (or rather, I could but that would mean no holiday next year, and I’d rather have a holiday than a party), wouldn’t ask them to pay for themselves, so am going to have a summertime party at home instead.

Ok @birthdayquandary I can hear that you want a nice venue, your friends, and nice food.

I have a January birthday which means no one ever wants to go out, but for my big one this year I had a party at a hotel with a band and buffet and about 60 guests, and I spent 2k and half of that was on the band. I live in an expensive town but I was able to tell the hotel my budget for their bit and they worked with it (gave me 50pc off the room hire for a start).

You said you have 1.5k, so approach some nice venues with your budget and tell them you want a nice lunch (buffet is cheaper) and a nice space and see what they come up with. If it's a quiet time of year they will prefer to have a discounted booking than no booking.

My party had a pay bar included, people were happy to pay for drinks, your friends probably will be too but you might be able to afford some wine as well. I think your budget is good, it's the room hire you need to barter on. And they will be able to shift on that, just be open with them about your budget.

I think the mystery date is 27th December as it’s the day after Boxing Day so no one is in the mindset to celebrate anyone else’s birthday. I know two people with this birthday. One absolutely hates it and the other is a child so still has lots of fuss made over his birthday.
Back to the point, I don’t think I’d go to something where I had to pay £50. I go to lots of birthday dinners where we all pay for ourselves but I make sure I order what I can afford to pay for and £50 would be too much. I’d go with function room and buffet.

Yes but that idea came from you - not the birthday girl who sounds commendably self-effacing and considerate!

The CF aspect would be to expect your guests to pay to fulfil your personal insta fantasy.

Wow, I woke up to a pile-on this morning.

To everyone telling me I'm spoilt, a matryr, pathetic, etc. Good morning! Thanks so much...

In case anyone is actually reading my updates, rather than getting all incensed that I've floated an idea on an anonymous board:

• yes, my friends are mostly pretty well off. E.g. recently for a local good friend's non-significant birthday we went out to a place for food that cost £55 a head + drinks. Plenty of people showed up. My 'city' friends are much more well off than I am
• It's not a fantasy fuelled by social media. Whatever that means. I'm not on social media! It's actually 'fuelled' by the way a dear friend celebrates his birthday every four years by having a big meal with probably about 25-35 friends. I now only really see those friends at each of his birthdays and it's always such a lovely time. But he can afford to pay for the whole thing
• Those questioning the 'can't be the first Saturday'. No of course it isn't, but this is the first Saturday that has also been a 'significant' birthday and I can actually do somethign on the day. Previous 'big' birthdays: 40 I had a newborn baby, 30 I was working on the other side of the world, 21 I did have a 'party' at Uni, but a month or so after my birthday. I don't think I did anything on the actual day

I wanted to do something on the actual day this year because it's a 'big' birthday and it happens to be on a weekend. If it was just one of those things I wouldn't be bothering. I think by the time summer rolls around the moment will have passed. And in any case, that doesn't solve the problem of what to do on the actual day so that I don't feel sad and depressed.

Do I have an issue with my birthday? Yes I definitely do. I have no idea why. Probably a lifetime of shit birthdays?

Anyway, don't worry - I've given up on the nice lunch idea as the reason I posted was that I was uncomfortable with the idea of people having to pay (despite what my friend said) and you've all confirmed that unease. I'll think about some of the other suggestions on here - thanks for those that have made them.

You don’t need to give up, put your £1000 towards a cozy pub lunch somewhere and guests pay the rest. I went to a 50th dinner in a pub, the host paid for two courses that we preordered and we paid for our own drinks. How about something like that?

As they are good friends can you float some ideas passed them? See what they think is a good way to celebrate your birthday and if they’re willing to help meet the costs? I don’t see any reason for keeping your thoughts or ideas secret from them. If they’re all happy to pay then problem solved, if not then tailor it to your budget.

Woah hold on, you have a £1.5K budget! That's massive. I don't see what the issue is. If 20 people came that's £60 per head. There are tonnes of restaurants that would happily let you book it out for that and you could get a very nice meal and some wine for that.

Even if the full 40 people came that's still nearly £40 per head which is generous.

Do you just have very limited venue options? It doesn't have to be a binary choice between a fancy hotel and a village hall, there are tonnes of options in between.

Also it's odd to come from the angle of people pay for a lunch and you cover drinks. Drinks are the expensive thing. It's more typical for a host to cover food and then people can choose to spend as little or as much as they want on drinks.

A huge amount of restaurants will give you a private function room and a free buffet for X amount of guests, as they know they will get a lot of bar takings. Ignore the naysayers, it's a lovely generous idea, you just need to shop around and you don't need to ask your guests for money, they can show up and choose what they spend.

@TweedleTarmac she wants it to be £50 per head though.

I think it's fine to ask. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for dozens of people to eat at a fancy restaurant. I'd always go out to eat with the expectation that I'm paying for myself anyway. If they can't afford it then they won't come.

I guess I'd be phrasing it as a dinner, rather than 'my birthday party' as there's more of an expectation that an actual party would be catered or open bar.

I couldn’t ask people to do this, however if a friend invited me to a restaurant for their birthday meal I would expect to pay for myself. And if it was a close friend then I would gladly go. But probably only if it was a 10-15 group party.

I don't 'want' it to be £50 ph. That's just the quote I got from one place, with me covering the room hire, service charge and drinks. The (set) menu was £50ph. Other places were similar. I live in an expensive area. Tbh, you can't even go to a pizza place and get away with less than £30ph if you get a pizza, a pudding a drink and pay the service charge. Eating out is just expensive now

Right, ok, you can see where I got the £50 from.
Maybe take some of the good suggestions on board.

How would it work with you paying for up to 40 people’s drinks in a hotel, the bar bill could be crazy?

I think set menus aren’t very sociable anyway - you have to sit in the same place all meal and you’ll only really talk to the people just around you. Still think the answer is a nice buffet in pretty surroundings with flexible seating so people can mingle.

I don't think people are goign to be getting smashed on a Saturday during the day at our age? So I was thinking I'd pay for a set amount of wine and soft drinks for the table...

Hard no. Not a chance I would attend this and I’d be giving you a wide berth in the future

At my pal's birthday he moves at every course so he gets to talk to everyone. But yes, that was one of my hesitations too.

Don't worry - I am taking all of this on board and rethinking. I actually love the idea of a pot luck, but I'd need a venue and I really don't want to do a village hall. They're all so depressing and institutional around me. And awkward to get to!

food out is expensive now! I would put the feelers out and you can see who’d be willing to, as out of the 40 if there are people that don’t want to that’s fine! I think you’d definitely get a group of people willing to, I know I would for one of my friends! Sorry you’ve had such a flaming!

FWIW I'd be OK with this (obviously would want to clear it first). But another idea - my husband just had his 40th at a very nice pub near us, he paid for lots of pub bites (but again, a very nice pub, so these were really nice and delicious), he bought a few bottles of prosecco, and he put c. £200 behind the bar, whole thing was about £500 and people only 'had' to start paying for their own drinks just before 10pm.

Well if it is 27th December, as many have suggested, one other problem could be that everyone will be a bit sated with big meals and celebrations. Also, they may already have shelled out loads for various Christmas meals in and out.

DH's birthday is 2nd January and he himself never wants to go out on his birthday or make a particular fuss as we have had so many festive days by then.
I do always make the effort to cook something nice and have sometimes had members of his family round. For special birthdays I have even had ages balloons and a cake (even though there is still Christmas cake left).

OP has said it's not Valentine's Day. Another day I know how hard it is to organise for. We got married on that day many years ago, and I know only to well how difficult and expensive it can be to get a table somewhere nice to celebrate one's anniversary.

To answer the question though, YABU to charge £50 a head, especially if many will also have to pay to travel and possibly stay over after that.

It’s a no from me too. If you’re holding a party/get together to celebrate your Birthday, I think you should only do something that you can afford to pay for. £50 is a lot for many or if they spend that, they’d probably prefer to be doing something of their choice. Could cause embarrassment and ill feeling as they make their excuses.

Some village halls are really beautiful inside but they are not the only venues for hire. Have a look around, there's a barn for hire not far from me it's stunning inside.

If the hotel lunch is £50 and you have £1.5k, can't you just pay for 30 people to eat there? And they can buy their own drinks or choose to drink jugs of water, so no obligation to spend money. If the hotel are charging some kind of fee on top of £50 per head then that is obscene and you can get a better deal by asking around. Most places are happy to throw together a package which is not advertised.

No, sorry, that’s not good. If you can’t afford it, do somethine else or have a smaller party.