Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Very interesting

I think in these circumstances it’s expected that you’ll pay. Circumstances under which you wouldn’t, would be if you arranged to go out for a meal for your birthday with friends, as opposed to inviting them to a specific venue.

I think you should do something but with a smaller group of friends, or at a much cheaper venue. Clutching at random ideas here but organising darts and buffet in a local pub, for example.

Lol @HumphreyCushionintheHouse

Is it a shit day of the year because something tragic happened on that particular date? Or just because it’s an awkward date (I have a birthday on an awkward date so do sympathise if it’s that).

The cost also really depends on your friends economic status. Is it common for you all to spend £50 + on birthdays for each other (either as a present or a meal out?)? If so it may not be as over the top as some PP’s are suggesting. You could even say that you don’t expect a gift as their presence really is the most important. However, if your friends are struggling and this kind of money doesn’t come easily to them then I don’t think you can ask them to part with it for a birthday.

I don’t think it’s “funny” to want to determine what I’ll be eating if it’s costing me £50.

@birthdayquandary appreciate the issue as looked at similar options for a big birthday last year.

Could you do evening drinks in the city and pay the bar bill? Or at least pay for the first part and then people will buy their own drinks when money runs out? This is quite normal I think. You and DH could stay in a nice hotel afterwards and meet people for brunch the next day.

I've been to big parties in hotels where we've had to pay for the room but the food and drinks - or at least wine with meal - has been provided.

Have also been to a couple of winter garden parties with gazebos, fairy lights, fire pits and outside caterers for food & serving drinks. It could be a really nice vibe if you wanted to do it at home.

Same - but that’s when I’ve arranged the meal with friends, not been formally invited to a party, if that makes sense.

I haven't rtft so not sure if this has been mentioned but can you scale it down to a lower number of guests. I'm sure it would still be a lovely lunch with a smaller number.The hotel might allow you to decorate the table so it feels more special than an everyday lunch.

Just to add my birthday is just before Christmas. The pubs are busy but it adds to the atmosphere. I did my 40th and 50th at home and this year I'm treating me and my closest friends who have supported me due to ill health.
I'm not sure I'd want to pay for 40 people even if I could afford it and although I have a lot of friends I'm not inviting husbands and partners. The dynamic of the conversation changes. My friends are mostly retired and are strong of opinion. It will be a noisy happy event. (one friend did ask if her husband could come which I thought a bit cheeky , I said yes but he's into a feminist hotbed if he turns up! 😄).

Yes, I think that's the difference that many of us are pointing out, really.

Seeing lots of posts like this lately - people wanting to be celebrated but expecting everyone else to foot the bill. Mind-blowing. Not so much bordering of CFery as it does reek of narcissism. It’s one thing to say, it’s my birthday on Saturday and let’s use it as an excuse to get together for a pizza, another to say ‘I’m having a brunch/party and you have to pay/buy a ticket in order to come’.

It’s your birthday, you pay and if you’re lucky they’ll bring you gifts. Stick with what you can afford - drinks from majestic/sainsburys and nibbles at your home, a gathering at a nice bar with £500 behind the bar for the first few rounds, or you just invite 10 close friends and family for breakfast and you pay for them.

It may be significant to you, but it’s just a birthday. Every person in the world has one every year.

Sounds fantastic! Have a great time ✊!

Is it the Sat between Christmas and New Year? Limbo, in other words.

Would your guest coming from an hour away fit in a mini bus? Could you hire a bus/driver for the afternoon and put on a light/buffet lunch?

Why not hire an Airbnb? The biggest and nicest you can afford and host lunch - even get caterers in. Then you might have space for people to stay over (first come first served) and go for a nice walk in the morning, pub lunch on the Sunday etc. Make a weekend of it.

That's been suggested, she doesn't want the clearing up. She wants a hotel.

Apologies if this has already been suggested… But why don’t you do what folk sometimes do if their kid has a Xmas birthday, and arrange to celebrate 6 months later? You could send out “save the dates” in your Xmas cards. That way, you have longer to budget (if you decide you do want to cover the entire cost) and you have more options re: doing it at home/outside etc and you still get to celebrate you! Given that it’s a big birthday, I don’t think this would be seen as remotely unacceptable, and people will probably be happy not to venture out on the “difficult” day without good public transport etc. win:win! Knowing you have plans, albeit in a few months, might stop your actual birthday from feeling depressing and “forgotten”.

It has been suggested, @Squigface , but it sounds like she's set on having it on the actual day. Not a bad idea, though.

My close relative is a Valentine’s Day birthday, which is a bit naff. Her husband’s is a January birthday so they pick a date in between to celebrate. My husband and I are both within a few weeks of Christmas and it can be tricky to do things as people tend to be super busy through December and want to nest at home in January or do dry January, Veganuary and similar. Could you plan to do a big lunch in the garden in summer? Is there another event like a significant wedding anniversary you could celebrate in that way? Alternatively could you go a bit smaller and do something cheaper like a private room or separate area at a pub?

Just hire a room.Some pubs let them be used for free because people are drinking. DJ and a buffet, nothing fancy, sandwiches, cocktails sausages etc. If one of my friends invited me to their birthday party and then asked me to pay for it I would think they were a CF.

No you can’t ask your guests to pay! When I had a ‘big’ birthday we borrowed a big gazebo with sides and put on back of house to give more room - would that be an option? We had a local cheese and charcuterie company set up an amazing table and a friend dj’d. Friends/family helped decorate/set up and then clear up too!

Buffet lunch in private room at a pub. You pay for food and guests can pay for their drinks.

So you said you could cover 1.5k. And realistically 25 or so people would come. At 50 pounds each that’s 1250 pounds. Ao do your lunch, and let ppl know you will cover lunch and they can buy their own drinks. Surely a pub or the like would do a deal for lunch for less than 50 pounds? Whack whatever is left of budget on the bar so maybe the first drink is free? Just let ppl know you are fo eating food and they need to buy their own drinks?

I would go and pay but out of my group of families and friends I’d probably be the only one who would accept the invitation due to cost. Also if they were paying that much they’d like to choose where they eat.

You can't be the host and then charge people! Are you as popular as you think? I'm cringing with embarrassment for you,

I think a lot of people won’t be able to make it because of the cost ( especially with Xmas coming up) so you might end up feeling more disappointed.
Honestly I’d pick a pub where you pay at the bar so people can control what they spend on themselves - it’s the company that’s important, not the venue!

I think your plan sounds lovely, but better suited to a group of maybe 10/12? Can you trim your Guestlist?