Cut ties because of their 2 year old sons behaviour?

[Iliveonabighill]

Shortly after my 2 year old was born, I made really good friends with another first time mum. Our husbands get on well too.
their son had always been very heavy handed, but now he is 2, his behaviour is not good. He will push my son over, puts his hands around my son’s neck, headbutt him. He can’t be left alone with any child- even if his parent is 1metre away or turns around to pick something up, he will hurt the other child.
the parents are very conscious of their son’s behaviour, and are desparate for it to stop, but it’s just getting worse. It doesn’t happen at his day care, but happens at all non-day care settings.
We are lucky that we have a good number of friends with kids the same age, and none of the other kids are like this. With others, us parents can sit on the sofa and watch the kids play from a few metres away- obviously intervening/ joining in where necessary.
Its got to the point where I don’t want my son to play with this child any more because
a) the other kid doesn’t play with my son in a nice way anyway
b) I can’t stand to see someone take repeated swipes at my son, constantly. And I don’t want to have to be my sons bodyguard while the other child is around.
c) I don’t really enjoy seeing the parents anymore because we can’t even have a conversation because they are CONSTANTLY having to tell their son no, stop, etc.

i feel bad for this because it’s unlikely to be the child’s fault- I don’t know if he has a neurodevelopmental issue or if it’s the result of the way he’s been brought up.

anyway, AIBU to cut ties because of their child’s behaviour? It would make me sad, because I really really get on with the parents, but I can’t have my son treated like this.

you are being unreasonable = you should continue to be friends with this family
you are NOT being unreasonable = you should cut ties.

Ah @Iliveonabighill , there’s nothing more smug than a parent with one easy child. They are trying, they aren’t making excuses for him. He is still a baby, as much as you don’t realise this yet. Chances are he will grow out of it.

Maybe give them a miss for a month or two to see if the behaviour improves. If they are trying to stop him doing it then I would give them some leeway.

Yeah previous op is right. It could be your son doing it in a few months.

Can you see the parents without the children getting together, so an evening with babysitters for the children?

Whilst I have every sympathy for the parents, your child shouldn't be physically attacked.

No way would I want my child around theirs.

I was faced with a similar situation and did cut ties with the parents. I felt worry for them however the safety and well being of my own DS has to come first for me.

I didn’t make a big fuss about it. I just stopped inviting them over and it soon fizzled out.

I think it's fair enough to say to your friend that you're finding the dynamic between the children hard work at the moment and you'd rather not meet with them for a little while.

All very well saying he’s little etc, but I don’t think I’d want another small child being subjected to constant aggression. Why should the OP’s 2 year old have to tolerate being hit?

If the parents were doing nothing I would definitely cut ties.

Any more neutral locations or activities where you can meet?

It’s interesting that at that young age, that your friend’s child is ok in their childcare setting but not ok away from it. Maybe childcare has a different approach to negative behaviour?

Oh I’m very aware that he will probably grow out of it, I just can’t stand my son being this child’s punch bag.

Also FYI I have 3 children.

Hi. My dc have adhd and were very like this. I avoided playdates in houses at all costs as I had to have my dc literally next to me.

I became so li ely and isolated so I may be putting myself touch in friends situation

Rather than cutting ties could you invite mum for coffee while dad looks after their wee one?

Or do an activity outside the house like swimming or physically active where kids doent have to play together but more parallel.

Meet up in the evenings, once the kids are in bed.

I am nearly a decade in to parenting and for me the "stay friends or not" line is - do they stop and intervene, or do they turn a blind eye and hope for the best?

I would try and keep the friendship going but meet up without your children if that's possible?

Depends how much you want the friendship....for my best friend or close friends, I'd find options to make it work. Not meet with kids for a while etc until behaviour improved. Met in situations which mean supervision is naturally constant (park, swimming, structure activities) Help support her if needed. For someone I wasn't too close with, I'd stop meeting and see if it changed in a year or so.

They sound like they are trying and he is only 2 years old. Sometimes it takes some children longer to 'get it' than others. There is nothing wrong with that and repetition is the only cure.

This is years ago now, but my friend had a friend that she met during pregnancy, and they both had boys around the same date.
From the time they could walk these two just didn't get on. One was definitely the more pushy and handsy, but the other would fight back. It got very difficult to the point where they agreed to just see each other outside of the kids, and try again in the future. They left it for well over a year and when they got the boys back together (after they started school) it was a whole lot easier. They'd had time to mature and settle and be with other children. It saved a friendship!

This is what stood out to me, there is a way to control it, they just haven't figured it out yet.
I also wouldn't make a big announcement and just casually swerve / make excuses for a while - it could all change and I wouldn't want to burn bridges at this young age.

How would you feel if you were that child’s parents, and he was undiagnosed at the moment as ND? Then no one wants to play with your child, or want to meet up with you? The parents, from what you are, are trying, so it maybe a developmental issue, it may not be, it could also be your child in a few months

I get you want to protect your child, but your child also has to understand at some point that not all children are the same

by all means cut down perhaps, but how cruel to stop completely

i wouldnt be getting the kids together, but I wouldnt make a big thing of it either. Her child is only 2, and plenty of them are a bit of a nightmare at that stage. Biting, grabbing etc. It doesnt mean they are bad parents. I hope they dont get ostracised by everyone

I wouldn't cut ties with a friend because of their 2 YOs behaviour that they are trying to manage, no. I would think my friend needed support. I'd maybe meet up without DC for a while though. Where are you meeting them? As a PP said, playdates in houses weren't great for my DS when little, but would have been fine to meet up with friends for days out at farms, swimming, parks, soft play etc.

Well, actually, if my daughter was at the receiving end of the thwacks, I wouldn´t care if said kid was the second coming from Heaven. I would meet with no kids, but there is no chance in hell I would subject my daughter to that.

Please don’t write the child off. My DS was a nightmare. He grew out of it by 3. Now I get nothing but compliments on how lovely he is. Maybe have a break for a bit, but do patent evening things. Some kids just don’t gel.

It really doesn't matter if the parents are doing their best or not, though. That's not really relevant. The end result is the same regardless - i.e. the OP's child gets thumped, pushed and headbutted throughout and the OP feels upset by it. It's no more pleasant for a child to be headbutted by a toddler whose parents are doing their best than it is to be headbutted by a toddler whose parents aren't doing their best.

Therefore it's perfectly reasonable to cut ties. Meeting up with friends is meant to be fun, not a feat of endurance or a source of stress. If it's not enjoyable, don't do it.

Maybe the child will indeed grow out of it, but that doesn't mean the OP has to watch her own child having a miserable time in his presence for another couple of years while she waits for her friend's kid to emerge from his 'headbutting other children' phase.

WTF?

Her child doesn’t ever have to accept being on the receiving end of physical aggression. It may suck for the parents of the kid, but compassion for them should not come at the expense of her own child.

Do them the favour by cutting them off

OP states that the child doesnt behave like this at daycare. So he clearly knows what is acceptable. Im afraid I wouldn't be allowing my toddler to be assaulted relentlessly, just for the sake of a friendship