Cut ties because of their 2 year old sons behaviour?

[Iliveonabighill]

Shortly after my 2 year old was born, I made really good friends with another first time mum. Our husbands get on well too.
their son had always been very heavy handed, but now he is 2, his behaviour is not good. He will push my son over, puts his hands around my son’s neck, headbutt him. He can’t be left alone with any child- even if his parent is 1metre away or turns around to pick something up, he will hurt the other child.
the parents are very conscious of their son’s behaviour, and are desparate for it to stop, but it’s just getting worse. It doesn’t happen at his day care, but happens at all non-day care settings.
We are lucky that we have a good number of friends with kids the same age, and none of the other kids are like this. With others, us parents can sit on the sofa and watch the kids play from a few metres away- obviously intervening/ joining in where necessary.
Its got to the point where I don’t want my son to play with this child any more because
a) the other kid doesn’t play with my son in a nice way anyway
b) I can’t stand to see someone take repeated swipes at my son, constantly. And I don’t want to have to be my sons bodyguard while the other child is around.
c) I don’t really enjoy seeing the parents anymore because we can’t even have a conversation because they are CONSTANTLY having to tell their son no, stop, etc.

i feel bad for this because it’s unlikely to be the child’s fault- I don’t know if he has a neurodevelopmental issue or if it’s the result of the way he’s been brought up.

anyway, AIBU to cut ties because of their child’s behaviour? It would make me sad, because I really really get on with the parents, but I can’t have my son treated like this.

you are being unreasonable = you should continue to be friends with this family
you are NOT being unreasonable = you should cut ties.

It’s not cruel to not want to be hit all afternoon

I’ve clicked that you’re being unreasonable but I only half believe that. In that I think maybe you continue to be friends with the mum but try to see her when the kids aren’t around for example if both your kids go to nursery and you have a free morning where you could have a coffee every couple of weeks, then I would switch that arrangement. if they’re aware of the behaviour and given his Age I think it’s unlikely to be something they’re doing at home, it’s probably developmental or linked to his anger at not being able to fully express himself with words yet. I understand not wanting your child to be hurt anymore, I’ve been in a similar situation with a friends child but only once so easy to overlook. But I do think it’s not the mum’s fault and for her to lose all of her mum friends over this would be incredibly isolating during an already lonely period of her life.

My child was not aggressive but he was disruptive and didn't respect boundaries. Autism diagnosis at 4 years old. I NEVER had playdates in the traditional sense. I stayed next to him ALL THE TIME to prevent him taking toys/going up the slide/bothering someone. I sometimes found "solutions" like mini stroller for him to walk his toys around, scooter, bubble machine etc. But it was impossible to socialise with him because he needed my support at all times to socialise himself.

@Iliveonabighill If both the parents are there why don't they take turns in helping their son out with his behaviour ; preventing aggressive behaviour and modelling good social interactions. I would be so stressed out if my son hurt someone but they don't seem pro active at all. So even if their son is ND (not their fault) they are not helping him out at all- lazy parenting and they will have to pay the social costs that come with it.

I wonder whether her child is overwhelmed by having so many children around? I wouldn't lose the parents' friendship but I wouldn't put my child in that situation, either.

I'd meet without the kids for now. Hopefully they grow out of it. But no I wouldn't want to be seeing my child being pushed around a lot either so I'd either reduce playdates or stop them for now.

But if you said you didn’t want to be around their child anymore do you think they would still hang out with you? Reality is, if the child is ND then this issue could drag out for years and most parents of SEN kids are rarely without their kids (speaking for myself here and SEN parents I know)

Personally I wouldn't care if they didn't understand. My kids and their feelings were always my priority. Wasn't bothered what other parents thought.

You’re right. The word strangle is more appropriate. Stop downplaying the aggression. In most people’s books, the victims feelings (and physical injuries) are more important, as they should be.

I obviously don't know. I am thinking of one mum friend in particular, I think she still would. I would be completely happy to meet her and her child, just without my child. I really value her as a friend and she is a fabulous person. I wouldn't want to stop being her friend because I didn't think our children could be together any more. She would probably need friends to stick by and support her, not run away. BUT I think as a parent she would understand I can't bring my child somewhere he could be physically hurt.

This will amaze you, but some of us are capable of being sympathetic towards someone on the receiving end of aggression whilst also providing some context for the aggressor's behaviour in the context of ND (something of which I have considerable experience and knowledge). If you infer that as downplaying violence, it rather suggests a lack of understanding on your part of something that can be really disabling for some children.

Plus, the "victim" (as you put it 🙄) is aged two, as is the perpetrator. No physical injuries have been mentioned and worst case scenario, one DC can be scooped up and plonked somewhere away from the other, as I have done many hundreds of times with DS. Managing a violent child becomes much more difficult when they are bigger and stronger than you - and again, I speak from experience. At no point have I suggested that the OP's DC should put with violence - in fact, I stated the exact opposite.

If they are good friends and you get on well I wouldn't end a friendship because of their child's behaviour. If they have a child with problems the last thing they need is their friends cutting them off.
Also you never know when you might need friends who have experienced of dealing with a difficult child.
Honestly your child is bound to encounter more than one difficult child when he goes to nursery/school. As long as you don't leave him alone with the child I'm sure you can protect him

I don’t think I would cut ties completely but meet them elsewhere. My kids are older but when young a friends child was a nightmare. It was best not to do home play dates and meet at parks, soft play etc. It could be asd? Otherwise try and see them without children.

Would cut them off like a shot. I've cut ties with a family member who's child is 4 and is a violent psychopath to other children and has no respect for adults. No regrets. My kid is NOT allowed within a mile of that horrible child...protect your own.

Can't bear this. Having to explain to an innocent child who doesn't understand why they have been bitten because another kid has an "excuse". It's totally unacceptable. Shouldn't be at nursery if they can't control themselves, it won't wash when they're an adult and they attack another adult. They will get a slap.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Just be ‘busy’ from now on. Why meet up just for your child to be used as a punching bag for their kid?

Well you do you. And I’ll protect my DC from violence, however it’s dished out.

The first line of my post was literally "it's not an excuse". I am beginning to think there is a correlation between people who willfully refuse to acknowledge the potential neurodevelopmental differences of some kids, and a lack of basic reading comprehension. Getting "a slap" at any age will not cure anyone's neurodivergence.

The hope and expectation of most SEN parents I know is that with the right support, and a bit of understanding from the grown-ups in the room, our DC will not be biffing folk when they're older (and not all of them biffed anyone in the first place). On the other hand, this child is only two, is highly unlikely to be either a psychopath or the anti-Christ, and it's a tad pre-emptive to remove a toddler from nursery because he can't control himself. Show me one that can...

FWIW an autistic child typically presents like a child aged about 2/3 of their actual age. It can takes them longer to pick up social cues and learn/model appropriate behaviours from others. However, no self-respecting practitioner will diagnose a child of two, because these behaviours are so common in all children of that age, which suggests the DC in the OP is not especialy unusual. That said, there is no reason why the OP (or her DC) should tolerate violence, and I would not suggest otherwise.

This. I know others toddlers who were like this and then grew out of it just as quickly.

I absolutely will, and I will try equally hard to protect my DC from bigotry, narrow-mindedness and ableism, especially towards children.

Would you accept domestic violence from your friend's husband because you don't want to upset her? Of course not. Protect your DS. Your DS comes first don't take him there again.

I think that is really unfair of you. She is a women who is coming to terms with the fact that her son may have a life long condition. As someone who is two more years down the line than your friend, I can tell you the heartache, the lack of empathy, the wait for diagnosis, the lack of funding and support when you finally do get a diagnosis, the fear of the government cutting support and funding. It’s all very real it all incredibly challenging. I get his behaviour towards your child is challenging, but just because you don’t get to relax and have a gossip doesn’t sit right. Your friend is going to shortly realise who are fair weather friends and who in her family and friends will be their to support. You need to decide which group you want to be in. If you decide to be a friend then see her at places that suit her child’s needs and that may well be her home- my son couldn’t tolerate the noise, the lights the soft play mats of a play centre. Sit on the floor with your child, monitor the situation and meet up with her without the kids! You can make this work and support her in the most difficult time (the time between investigating and diagnosing is by far the most challenging time) or drop her and let her invest her time in genuine support and care.

I think we all just got a lot of insight into how your children are taught to behave!

I absolutely cannot believe that you would expect a 2year old to be a punch bag so because the child MAY have SN? It’s like a common theme on here. A child can be punched blue in the face and everyone needs to have more sympathy for the other child.

I've been the parent for whom the invitations dried up. It's horrible to think that all the Peter perfect parents are judging you because of your child's issues. If you drop these people now you can't expect to just pick up with them again later if/when it suits you.

There are some truly disgusting posts on here. Is this what society has come to, you aren’t meeting expected milestones and have social difficulties so the solution is to ban them from nursery and public life?! What century do we live in again?!!! For those who support this disgusting view I suggest you read the book the giver… perfect example of how a utopian society can be dystopian.