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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cut ties because of their 2 year old sons behaviour?

117 replies

Iliveonabighill · 28/10/2025 13:46

Shortly after my 2 year old was born, I made really good friends with another first time mum. Our husbands get on well too.
their son had always been very heavy handed, but now he is 2, his behaviour is not good. He will push my son over, puts his hands around my son’s neck, headbutt him. He can’t be left alone with any child- even if his parent is 1metre away or turns around to pick something up, he will hurt the other child.
the parents are very conscious of their son’s behaviour, and are desparate for it to stop, but it’s just getting worse. It doesn’t happen at his day care, but happens at all non-day care settings.
We are lucky that we have a good number of friends with kids the same age, and none of the other kids are like this. With others, us parents can sit on the sofa and watch the kids play from a few metres away- obviously intervening/ joining in where necessary.
Its got to the point where I don’t want my son to play with this child any more because
a) the other kid doesn’t play with my son in a nice way anyway
b) I can’t stand to see someone take repeated swipes at my son, constantly. And I don’t want to have to be my sons bodyguard while the other child is around.
c) I don’t really enjoy seeing the parents anymore because we can’t even have a conversation because they are CONSTANTLY having to tell their son no, stop, etc.

i feel bad for this because it’s unlikely to be the child’s fault- I don’t know if he has a neurodevelopmental issue or if it’s the result of the way he’s been brought up.

anyway, AIBU to cut ties because of their child’s behaviour? It would make me sad, because I really really get on with the parents, but I can’t have my son treated like this.

you are being unreasonable = you should continue to be friends with this family
you are NOT being unreasonable = you should cut ties.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 15:05

If you really like mum tell her let’s meet up wigrout the kids so we can be free to chat and go to the pub in the evening

Hussaini · 28/10/2025 15:11

The child is too young to really know what he’s doing, when you’re child is 10 you’ll get how young 2 is they can’t really be bullies. However for your son’s safety you’re well within your rights to stop having play dates till his behaviour improves which it most likely will.

Branleuse · 28/10/2025 15:12

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 14:35

Here's the thing: being punched by an ND child isn't any less painful than being punched by a neurotypical child.

Yes, of course children have to understand that not all children are the same. It's really easy, in fact, to explain that to them. But that absolutely doesn't mean they have to play with children who repeatedly physically hurt them.

'Danny is neurodivergent and he finds some things quite difficult. He isn't a nasty boy - he just doesn't always understand how to be gentle, and that isn't his fault' is a reasonable message to give to a neurotypical child.

'Danny is neurodivergent and he finds some things quite difficult. He isn't a nasty boy - he just doesn't always understand how to be gentle, and that isn't his fault. That means you have to put up with him hurting you whenever we see him because being kind means you have to let some people hit you all the time' is not a reasonable message to give to a neurotypical child (or, in face, a neurodivergent one).

The needs and feelings of an neurotypical child are not less important than the needs and feelings a neurodivergent one.

Show quote history

thats true, but if you only use neurodiversity as an excuse for "bad" behaviour, rather than a factor in how he is able to socialise, or what he needs, then it isnt helpful. Hes going to be less likely to cope with lots of kids and adults that he doesnt really know that well, in someone elses house, than an NT kid, so youd hopefully find ways to still be able to socialise him, but without it turning to shit.
Thats what id hope for anyway. Not just people with more manageable toddlers forming a clique and closing ranks.

Not saying the kid is ND of course.

My kids are though, and although theyre adults now, I remember how ostracised I felt at times.

PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ · 28/10/2025 15:16

Keep meeting up without the children?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/10/2025 15:17

If they are genuinely trying to deal with their son I think I’d try to make things work. Maybe plan a shared outing to a zoo where both children would be in the pushchairs. Two year olds don’t generally play “together” anyway. Absolutely your son should not be subjected to physical attacks, but I would try to find a way to manage the situation better as a first step.

Vinvertebrate · 28/10/2025 15:24

Well this was my DS at age 2 and within a year he had an autism diagnosis (and ADHD, dyspraxia and SPD diagnoses within a few years of that). It’s highly likely he’s ND (and the different behaviour in childcare substantiates rather than contradicts this).

We lost a lot of friends and acquaintances in similar circumstances and that was an entirely reasonable decision for them to make. I got used to play dates never being reciprocated (and in one case, cut contact myself because of negative comments the couple made about ND children with a jolly “oh we don’t mean DS of course”.)

I will say though that I massively appreciated those who stuck around, who saw me doing my level best as a mum, and who understood that DS’ behaviour was related to neurodevelopmental issues rather than crap parenting, and they became really dear to me. If she’s a “keeper” friend I would try to find a way to maintain the friendship while protecting your DC. If she’s a passing acquaintance, you WNBU to move on.

Elfie111 · 28/10/2025 15:24

Katiesaidthat · 28/10/2025 14:14

Well, actually, if my daughter was at the receiving end of the thwacks, I wouldn´t care if said kid was the second coming from Heaven. I would meet with no kids, but there is no chance in hell I would subject my daughter to that.

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂😂 THIS 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 could not have said it more eloquently ♥️

TallulahBetty · 28/10/2025 15:24

As awful and hard it must be for them, it's not fair for your child to be collateral.

TheTwitcher11 · 28/10/2025 15:25

I think all the people saying ‘remain friends with the mum’ are being unrealistic here. Would you continue to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be around your child? (Not saying OP is in the wrong here, but just think about it)

TallulahBetty · 28/10/2025 15:30

Vaxtable · 28/10/2025 14:08

How would you feel if you were that child’s parents, and he was undiagnosed at the moment as ND? Then no one wants to play with your child, or want to meet up with you? The parents, from what you are, are trying, so it maybe a developmental issue, it may not be, it could also be your child in a few months

I get you want to protect your child, but your child also has to understand at some point that not all children are the same

by all means cut down perhaps, but how cruel to stop completely

And while that is very sad for you and them, my child does not need to put up with being battered just to teach them that 'not all kids are the same'.

Sartre · 28/10/2025 15:32

Your DS’s safety and wellbeing comes first. Their son sounds really awful. I don’t know why some kids have a propensity to act this way, is it learned behaviour? Either way, your son deserves better so protect him and cut ties.

Endofyear · 28/10/2025 15:34

Vaxtable · 28/10/2025 14:08

How would you feel if you were that child’s parents, and he was undiagnosed at the moment as ND? Then no one wants to play with your child, or want to meet up with you? The parents, from what you are, are trying, so it maybe a developmental issue, it may not be, it could also be your child in a few months

I get you want to protect your child, but your child also has to understand at some point that not all children are the same

by all means cut down perhaps, but how cruel to stop completely

Don't be ridiculous 🙄 OP is not obligated to continually allow her 2 year old to be a punchbag for someone else's child so as not to hurt the parents feelings. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you don't want your child to be hit, strangled and headbutted! And FYI being ND is not an excuse for violent behaviour - I have a son with autism and learning disability and have been around children with additional needs all his life - very few of them are violent towards other children.

YellowCrayola · 28/10/2025 15:35

TheTwitcher11 · 28/10/2025 15:25

I think all the people saying ‘remain friends with the mum’ are being unrealistic here. Would you continue to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be around your child? (Not saying OP is in the wrong here, but just think about it)

You don’t need to be so blunt as to say ‘I don’t want to be around your child’. But it’d be unreasonable for the mum to fall out with the OP if she points out it’s not working out between the kids but she’d really like to remain friends.

Createausername1970 · 28/10/2025 15:38

If you like the other mum then arrange to meet her without either of your children being present.

My DS was a handful and I was constantly intervening. I was much happier to meet up without him. As DS matured he got a bit more manageable and I would do meet-ups outside the house with other families.

pontipinemum · 28/10/2025 15:38

I saw your update, yes I would step back.

If the parents are people who you value as friends I would want to stay in contact. Maybe meet without the kids - not easy!! I would also tell them why you are doing it.

pontipinemum · 28/10/2025 15:40

TheTwitcher11 · 28/10/2025 15:25

I think all the people saying ‘remain friends with the mum’ are being unrealistic here. Would you continue to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be around your child? (Not saying OP is in the wrong here, but just think about it)

I have one friend I meet up with most Fridays. If my son was constantly hurting her child. And she told me she didn't want her child to play with him for a bit but to still meet up with me I would understand.

It seems like the parents are aware as they are trying to correct it. It would be different if the friends were oblivious to it and would get defensive

HenDoNot · 28/10/2025 15:41

TheTwitcher11 · 28/10/2025 15:25

I think all the people saying ‘remain friends with the mum’ are being unrealistic here. Would you continue to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be around your child? (Not saying OP is in the wrong here, but just think about it)

Well if that’s her attitude, then that mum is going to find herself totally friendless pretty soon by the sound of things.

Harrishare30 · 28/10/2025 15:43

I had a similar situation and I feel guilty for letting it go on before stopping meeting up.
If you are friends with the mother, you could continue to see here/the couple separately. It isn't fair on your child to continue meeting up.

Jamesblonde2 · 28/10/2025 15:44

TillyTrifle · 28/10/2025 14:35

It blows my mind how many people say that a parent should allow their toddler to be physically hurt, over and over, by another child to ‘be kind’ and not risk upsetting a grown adult. Horrifying really, the message that’s sending your child. Put up with anyone physically assaulting you not to rock the boat.

There may well be reasons for this child’s behaviour but that doesn’t make it the OP’s responsibility to offer up her toddler as a punchbag ffs. Surely the very first job as a parent is to protect your child from
physical harm?! It’s negligent and horrible parenting to continue exposing them to a child who is repeatedly hurting them.

Exactly. It’s ridiculous. You look after your child. And they look after theirs. When did possible or actual ND suddenly become a hall pass to batter other people, a child no less?!

Silverbirchleaf · 28/10/2025 15:44

“He will push my son over, puts his hands around my son’s neck, headbutt him. “

That sentence alone is a good enough reason to not let the other child mix with your son. Advocate for your child.

As others have said, if you want to remain friends with the mum, meet separate from the children.

(and I don’t think he will grow out if it, until his parents start to parent him).

coxesorangepippin · 28/10/2025 15:45

Your son is your priority here, op.

FlyingApple · 28/10/2025 15:48

Protect your child.

WatchingTheDetective · 28/10/2025 15:50

Polyestered · 28/10/2025 13:48

Ah @Iliveonabighill , there’s nothing more smug than a parent with one easy child. They are trying, they aren’t making excuses for him. He is still a baby, as much as you don’t realise this yet. Chances are he will grow out of it.

Are you saying in the meantime the OP should let him put his hands around her child's neck?

Nestingbirds · 28/10/2025 15:53

I said to the our friends we missed adult evenings, and we started doing that instead. It was fun and relaxing. My df and I also did our own meet ups and she could talk in confidence about how challenging her dc was. They were eventually diagnosed with autism.

We did get together with dc very occasionally, but mostly not, as they could be unpredictable and violent and my dc found it so stressful. We came under pressure for a bit as her child didn’t have any friends, but we became busy with school commitments and sports. The behaviour never did improve very much sadly, we are still friends now. It’s been a tough road for our friends, and cost them their marriage in the end.

Vinvertebrate · 28/10/2025 15:54

When did possible or actual ND suddenly become a hall pass to batter other people, a child no less?!

It’s not a “hall pass” or an excuse. But autism is primarily about social interaction and communication, often coupled with extreme sensory issues, so occasional violence is not a particularly unusual presentation. My DS used to push children away at nursery because he didn’t want to interact. He was also a biter for longer than is typical for a NT child because it was meeting some sensory need. Even now, when exhausted, he will have a little chew on my arm!

None of which is to say the OP would be wrong to withdraw from the friendship to protect her DC. But a little understanding of the ways ASC can present in small children also wouldn’t go amiss. Hyperbolic language like “batter” helps nobody.