AIBU 16yo DSD leaving freezer open

[Reluctantstepmumof2]

DSD almost 17 repeatedly leaves the freezer door open, so all food needs chucking out on a regular basis. I'm at my wits end. DH tries to minimise any negative interactions with her so won't bring it up or anything else negative really. I have mentioned it a couple of times (she says sorry but then immediately does it again) but I don't want to push it and be seen as 'evil stepmother' she is sweet but very forgetful, disorganised and messy. I realise times have changed but when I was young my parents would have told me off for things like this which obv isn't ideal but was very effective as I'm a very careful considerate person now! Any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour? This is just one of many similar examples...

If she knows not to slam the door as it then bounces open, why does she keep doing it?

I swear kids attention span these days is absolutely destroyed.

DD was (and still is to an extent) like that. It took pestering her over and over (which I also hated doing because then it just feels like I’m nagging and she’d get defensive) for her to remind herself of the most basic things, down to flushing even.

In my experience (and I have two ND kids) this sort of thing is always done by youngsters who know that it is no big deal. If you come from a family where the food budget is incredibly tight then a freezer full of food being wasted is a big deal.

So I would deal with it by not replacing items that have had to be thrown away. Ice cream especially is not a necessity. So buy once, and if it has to be thrown, there is no more. You can also adopt the same approach with meat. If it gets wasted, then thats tough and she has to eat plain pasta and sauce or a jacket potato or whatever instead.

Don' tmake it a punishment as such, but let her know that food is expensive and these are the natural consequences of her carelessness.

I slam doors a lot, by accident, because I have dyspraxia.

I also have ADHD and autism, and it makes learning habits like not slamming, remembering to check things twice, and deviating from what I'm used to really difficult.

I'm the same with toilet lids. I am used to a soft close toilet lid, and I know the toilet at DP house does not have a soft close toilet lid, but because I use it less frequently than my own toilet, it doesn't cross my mind, I drop the lid, make a loud bang, and then kick myself for not remembering that it isn't a soft close lid like the umpteen other times I've done it and promised myself I'll remember for next time. You'd think I'd remember given that the banging startles me worse than anybody else and I'd do anything I could to stop it, yet like Sisyphus, I feel eternally doomed to repeat my actions despite the best intentions in the world.

None of these things were diagnosed until I was almost 30 either so I've just been clumsy, careless and accident prone all my life.

Who knows what the SD has or hasn't got, but if she's not able to form these habits then perhaps it's not simply behavioural as people seem to be suggesting. It's not normal behaviour to repeat such a huge, costly, and impacting mistake over and over, especially when it not only impacts others but impacts yourself as well.

😂 not sure why you have tried to make my comment sound like that, my child is so far from an angel it’s unreal, I’m snorting 😆

However you turn it though a 16 year old who can’t shut a freezer door properly is unusual.

Classic MN! This thread is so much handwringing about nothing!

Get rid of your freezer.

Get rid of your dh.

She has ADHD.

You hate your DSD.

Laugh it off and keep buying stuff.

Don't say anything to her, it's not her fault/it might hurt her feelings.

Telling someone off is not ideal.

No wonder people need labels on products for obvious consequences. No wonder kids and adults have gone wild. No one is ready to be held accountable or take responsibility for their actions, regardless of intent. Everyone is either doing whatever they like or afraid to say something or call a spade 'a spade'.

I think there's a difference between an accident and just being repeatedly careless. You don't need to go hard at it, but there needs to be a consequence of some description because its repeatedly happening. I think explaining the cost of what's being thrown out will be taken out of her pocket money etc going forward and get an alarm/ catch for the freezer door to help her succeed. Has she been checked for adhd or similar if she's that forgetful and disorganised or is that something you suspect? It would help to identify if you need to work with her to build strategies for success or if it's discipline and consequence for carelessness. I wouldn't be locking a child out of a source of food in their own home that would be a marker of abuse and its worrying to see it suggested here.

Just reading some of the advice here & surely someone that age should be capable of closing a freezer door properly without her parenta buying an alarm? Many of her peers will have jobs etc at this point. The alarm advice feels more appropriate for a scatty 9yo.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 why does everything need a label on this forum...

not sure why you have tried to make my comment sound like that,

Because that's how you wrote it and that's what you meant.

Put note on it and get alarm that will alert when it is open.

Quite a lot of thoughts about this one.

1. Like others I would say natural consequences are needed, but discipline or punishment wouldn’t be appropriate. So help to batch cook some things, paying to replace others and foregoing some things (so no ice cream until the one that defrosted would naturally have been replaced).
2. Your DH needs to be involved in those natural consequences
3. Does she live with you full-time or switch between homes? Because remembering the idiosyncrasies of things in two homes can be a lot mentally, and switching between those different settings can be disconcerting. Especially as it is something which would have been outwith her control. So it would be appropriate I think to recognise that (which goes way beyond the freezer door really) and provide support for the transitions. This would be being a bit more understanding than you would with someone who is a full-time resident. It would also mean things like a freezer alarm or loc, reminder notes. Whatever the support measure is, involve her constructively in creating it- ask her what would help her to it.
4. I went through a phase of doing similar with a fridge as an adult. At first I just thought it was having too much on my mind but it turned out the door hinges were a bit off so it had to be closed perfectly and even then it sprung open sometimes. So rectifying those was a big help.
5. If she finds these things especially difficult, consider whether it might be something like ADHD.

Pussyfoot parenting strikes again! @Reluctantstepmumof2 you have a DH problem

17 is PLENTY old enough to be TOLD not to do that to the freezer.

plan b is to get a lock for the freezer and ban her from using it.

Not everything does but ND people exist and as we don't know ops dd we can't diagnose either way. However it does affect the approach they'd need to take. So it should be a consideration.

Haven't read the entire thread, but there is a difference between "disciplining" and "expecting them to take responsibility".

The conversation could go along the lines of

"Delilah, you left the freezer door open again last night. Dad and I think that if you do this again you will need to contribute to the cost of the wasted food"

It doesn't need to be said harshly, just matter if fact.

And definitely do not buy whatever she is going in the freezer for.

Nah, it’s how you choose to interpret it.

Unless a child has additional needs (which have not been mentioned here) it is entirely normal for even young children to close a freezer door after getting something out of it. Nothing to do will being an angel, well behaved or bla bla bla.

If she can remember to open the freezer she can remember to close it

You brought up your 8 year old as a superior comparison. You meant to say exactly that and now you're back tracking as you've realised it makes you sound like a judgemental sourpuss.

Put a sign on the door so she sees it when opening/closing it. She’s just being stupidly careless whacking it closed, lazy etc
I think maybe also trying a child lock type thing may help or an alarm that goes off in a second so she’s not out of the room when it goes off

Lady, pipe down you sound INSANE.

Shutting a fridge door is normal you absolute fruit cake 😆

Bye.

Don't make shitty comments on the internet if you are going to get this upset about people calling you out for them.

This girl is neurodivergent. You’re right not to get cross, however, it’s ok for you to sit down and kindly explain why it’s important to close it, you can even put a sign on the freezer to help remind her and hopefully break that habit. My freezer has an alarm. That’s very helpful as accidents happen.

How do you know?

Stop replacing stuff for the freezer that had to be binned.

You can live without frozen meat, frozen fish and ice creams.

If she’s anything like my teens were at that age, she’s getting ice lollies and the odd frozen pizza- she’s not defrosting a leg of lamb for Sunday dinner. Stop buying frozen snack stuff.

And also have the conversation about shutting the door properly- how to do it, and the consequences of not doing it. She’s 16, she can handle an instructional chat.

Edited because autocorrect added an apostrophe incorrectly.

If she is old enough to go make herself food, she's old enough to shut the freezer. I would make the point fo saying no freezer food. We have a coffee machine & it's a similar situation. Teens use it but don't empty it. As far as I'm concerned, if you don't look after it, you don't get to use it